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As for the unsupportive spouse, often they can see clearer than the caregiver can. Maybe not so much, unsupportive but more not willing to jump on the crazy train.
I think it is time for a talk with your father about long term plans and how you are unable to maintain the level of care you have been giving.
Regarding your husband, in general, it is suggested that you do nothing during a crisis but if it were me, I would wonder how he would care for me if this were my turn to need help.
In my opinion, it is a bad idea for anyone to take on the responsibility of caring for someone without having the authority. Do you have durable power of attorney both medical and financial for your dad? If not, get it. If he won't give it, back off.
In order to help your dad without burning yourself out, you need to understand his finances. What income does he get? Does he own his home?
Has your husband always been unsupportive of you or is this new because he's tired of you running over to your dad's place three times a day? Do you value your marriage or is this a last straw?
I hope you will feel how much support people on this forum have to offer and that your feelings of hopelessness will start to diminish as you realize you have options and valuable information from people who have been in your shoes. Hugs.
Sounds like he needs daily care like a caregiver not just home health nursing. Not sure how old father is.
No sense in moving him to your house since husband refuses to help and you are working full time. You would not have a minute's peace.
What entity supplies this weekly RN ? I suggest you meet with her and Dad next visit and let him know in her presence you cannot continue. Beatty, one of our members has a truism I often repeat: "No other solutions will be found if you continue to be all the solutions".
If your Dad is abusing pain meds there is honestly good reason for his gut to be in a mess. I hope that's all it is.
You mention a not very supportive husband. I can't know what that means. Either he is trying to let you know you can't do this, or he is not supportive period. If you are trying to care for an uncooperative Dad and have a bad marriage with full time work, something will definitely give. Probably your own mental health.
I think you need to let Dad know this can't continue. He needed more care when your Mom was alive; he still does and it will get worse. He likely needs placement he won't accept, so there may be no answer but to back away and let him operate in his own behalf with some minimal shopping support until he understands this cannot go on; that may occur only with hospitalization. I am so sorry. That's an awful option; I just can't think of any good ones.
Can you do an "ER dump?" (I know it sounds awful). But it sounds like you are in over your head by a lot--I also did CG to my FIL for about 5(?) months and was running to his place 3xs a day and doing ALL THE THINGS. Still had 3 kids at home, too.
Dh was totally unsupportive and would actually gag and vomit if dad needed help toileting. FIL was so embarassed by this, I am in the bathroom trying to get him undressed and in the shower, he's fighting me, saying 'I'm fine' and poop is runnning down his legs....so I had to clean him, his clothes, the floor (carpet) AND our the front seat of our car....and DH is puking in the downstairs bathroom.
FIL's LAST ER run was basically an ER dump--I simply could NOT do the care any more and DH wouldn't and there was no one else. I explained to anyone who'd listen about the situation and we were working on a NH placement and he passed away. To this day, my DH blames me for shortening his dad's life by my lack of compassion. I didn't and don't accept that. In my mind, I know I facilitiated the last year of his life to be the best it could be--BUT we all have limits and I had mine.
Sounds like you are at the end of your capability to be a compassionate CG. Your health will start to tank and then what good are you to him?
I'm mean, maybe, but I think you'll get more attention if you take him to an ER and let the hospital know he is unsafe to discharge.
And yes, you do need someone to help you naviagte the waters of placing a sick elder in a facility. They know how to cut through the paperwork.
I wish you luck--be tough, but loving.
Hugs--you need them!
This forum is here for you to explain your situation and also to vent.
You have a lot on your plate! It’s actually more than a person should be expected to deal with on their own.
Your dad needs more care than you can offer.
Can you ask your father’s doctor for a contact number or email for a social worker?
They can help with assistance in finding a suitable facility for your father.
Your dad needs medical care and you need to live your life.
You can monitor his care and continue to be an advocate for him.
Best wishes to you and your dad.
Take care.
Make sure you get your father care somehow, but you probably can't do it all yourself. He needs to go to a facility where they can take care of him 24/7, or he needs hired help at home. He can't stay at home and expect you to keep him there all by yourself indefinitely.
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