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I am sorry for this, but as I know you know, we here can have no idea of any of the details of your unique and complicated case.
You are, unfortunately going to need an attorney. I understand the expense of such a thing. Call APS and ask them for guidance. Explain how long you have lived in the home caring for your mother.
I wish you the very best. I hope you find support to guide you and let you know your options, but we unfortunately on Forum see many children who stayed home/moved home caring for parents end up homeless, jobless, and without any job history.
Good luck. My heart goes out to you.
Are you mom's POA? You state that you feel where your mom goes should be your choice, but legally, unless you are her POA, unfortunately you don't get the input because you will not be consulted to speak for your mother. You mention that mom has dementia - has she been deemed non-competent/no longer able to make her own decisions? If she is no longer able to make her own decisions, who is legally designated to speak for her? Have you requested a new social worker for your mother? The social worker at the nursing home is there to see to the interests of the Nursing Home and the residents interests AT the nursing home. They aren't likely going to be invested in helping her come home.
As NeedHelp mentioned - you may need an elder attorney. Is your name on the deed of the house? There are caregiver clauses around Medicaid exemptions(in the event that you kept her OUT of a SNF for a number of years) - but those would have to be in place - so if you qualify for that- an attorney would be able to answer that.
It does sound like your mother needs the additional care that a SNF provides, especially with your own health issues. It sounds like they are keeping her for more just dementia. Typically people CAN live at home with dementia, if the home is considered safe. And your mother's reaction to want to come home is VERY typical - everyone almost universally wants to go home.
If you feel that the facility is negligent or unsafe - that is one thing. Falls happen - whether they are home or in a 24/7 care facility. No one is watching them every minute no matter where they are - and falls cannot be prevented no matter what. AND they are guaranteed to increase with dementia.
As far as bringing her home - that would definitely be something you would have to look into with an elder care lawyer. It might take a number of steps and frankly - it might be better to consider looking for another placement rather than bringing her home.
As to the rest - it might be better for you to consider your own future at this point. Entirely too many people pin their future on inheriting a home and don't anticipate the need to sell that house to cover their parent's care. And if she is the sole owner of the house (on paper - because legally that is all that matters) and she is in a nursing home and goes on Medicaid - the house will likely have to be sold to pay the bill.
At this point - your best option is to consult an elder attorney to see what recourse you have.
as far as I know, you have rights to stay in that home because you are a child and a caregiver, but the house is going to have to be maintained. Who is paying for your mother's care now? Who is applying her for Medicaid if needed, who is controlling where her SS checks are going to. Was there a court hearing? Have you visited a lawyer? I think you need an attorney's help here. If you can answer some of these questions, maybe we can advise a little more.
I am sorry that you are having such trouble.
It sounds like your mother needs a lot of help and the nursing home is the best place for her. Be her advocate. Speak with the head nurse about your concerns.
What aren’t they doing for her?
Do you have a job? What are you planning to do for your own future?