My horrible nephews put my sister into a nursing home, they live 1,000 miles away, I take care of my elderly mother who needs 24 hour supervision and attention so I cannot, sadly, care for 2 ill people, if I could I would. I had begged my nephews not to put their Mom away and instead come here and we could all take turns caring for her and my mother, I obviously would still care constantly for my mother, but on occasion I could care for my sister as well as long as they did most of the caring or whatever they could do to help her. They flat out refused. I told my useless nephew, the one who made all the major decisions that if he put his Mother ( my sister) away she would deteriorate, the narcissistic oaf said, "Not necessarily." and has she ever deteriorated, she can no longer walk, nor feed herself, nor bathe herself, nor dress herself, I call a lot and she barely says one full sentence. She cries on occasions, My heart is broken for her. And she is NOT old, she is by far the youngest resident there ( the nurses all have told me that). But I feel like she has been sent there to die. I care for my mother and it is so hard, but it is the right thing to do, I am young, healthy and able, my nephews are both even younger than me, the jackass , the one who made the decision to put her away is a lazy no job holding ass , I feel he loved that he had some power in life by making every decision about his mother, and every decision was the worst possible and most selfish ones, He and his brother inherited hundreds of thousands of dollars ( from their late Dad's Mom who btw they never did anything for, they never bought her gifts even though she sent them 500 and 1,000 on birthdays and Christmas ( can you imagine their greediness and selfishness?) It is sickening to think they have all that money when they did ZILCH to deserve other than share their Grandma's DNA that's it!. The least those two selfish swine could do is pay to get my sister physical therapy so she will walk again, get a great nutritionist to feed her the healthiest meals, rent a handicapped/wheelchair accessible van and just get her out of there once a week, ( I asked 1 of the nurses if she can leave the grounds she said yes, it would do her a world of good , but she would have to be in some kind of vehicle that a wheelchair could easily get in and out of), but nope those two unfeeling slobs do nothing, they ohhh wow visit her maybe twice a week for wow maybe an hour a visit, but they do nothing otherwise. But I cry thinking that my horrible nephews sent her there to die, obviously she is going to die there among tons of other sick people and strangers, no matter how nice that staff there is they are not her family who knew her so many years like my dirtbag nephews and shared life experiences with her. I read of Belle who wrote way back wishing her mother was dead, see for my nephews I wish the hell and sadness they put my sister through, and the added stress and sadness I have as a result they get tenfold. It is so sad to see how quickly my poor sister deteriorated simply because two selfish curs ( mutts!) have no desire to give her the freedom and love she gave them. She should had aborted them! I wonder will they care when she dies all alone in that cold nursing home?
Well. Every one of us will eventually need a place to die in. It's a question of whether it's somewhere that is equipped and staffed to cope with what you will need at that stage, or whether you'll be lucky enough to "cease upon the midnight with no pain" - or unlucky enough to be far from help when you could really do with it.
By the time my dad went into the nursing home - he was very sick. He wasn't taking his multiple meds properly (he refused my step mom's help), he was sleeping and eating odd hours (refused my step mom's help) and stank to high heaven (refused to bathe and brush his teeth, my step mom couldn't "make" him).
I visited him several times after a fall put him in the nursing home. What a difference immediately - good color and stronger and no stench - he was finally being taken care of to the level he needed. My step mom tried so hard because my dad refused to go to the nursing home. But he was hurting himself by refusing her help.
I do not judge anyone who decides that they can no longer be caregiver and that their loved one finally needs nursing home care. I usually see people waiting far too long to make this call.
Also - who says person A has to give up health, social life, sanity to care for person B who needs a higher level of care than A can provide?
I know you are angry with your nephews. But in the end, I feel its better to be in a nursing home then to have a family member not care for your properly.
If your nephews found a good home, visit her and are attentive to administering her needs, I do not believe they are horrible. I am sorry, you were likely seeking validation. This is no doubt a difficult sad situation, but not everyone is willing to give up their life - time with family, career, financial security to become a full time to semi full time caregiver.
The place is spotless, the staff are wonderful, there are skilled nurses on duty 24/7 and there are activities for those who wish or are able to get involved in. Each room has a hoist over the bed, a bed alarm and call bell. Residents who have difficulty feeding themselves have a separate dining room where they are fed one on one by staff and there are exercise machines with a qualified physio.
Yes, they will all be there until they pass away but, in the meantime, they are safe, clean, well fed and treated with kindness and compassion. NH staff get to go home, have days off and lead a normal life at the end of a shift, caregivers do not. Who can provide the greatest kindness and compassion - a nurse or aide on shift or a stressed, burnt out, angry, resentful 24/7/365 caregiver?
Something to think about.
Darling, the thing is this. No one is trying - well I'm not, anyway - to change what you feel about your nephews. The point is that, while you continue to curse them so comprehensively and energetically, a) it distracts you from the important task of getting better attention paid to your sister's needs and b) it makes it impossible for you to build any kind of co-operative relationship with them. Which, after all, is what you must do if you want them to change their management of their mother's care.
Eyes on the prize, in other words. Forget them, focus on her.
You and others on here who seem to think my nephew put his Mom away because he's a good caring son are delusional, or are either unable to understand all i have written about him or you must like immoral,selfish people. and what is even odder is you people think I am judging you for putting your Moms, Dads whoever into nursing homes, I am NOT. I do not know any of you. I do not know your circumstances, however I DO KNOW my nephews and I know the circumstances. And what my nephews did is very wrong!
I am fully aware my sis is taken care of at that nursing home, but she has deteriorated at a very fast pace. I found things i wrote when my nephews first put her away and she would cry to me saying could I get her out of there. I called the bums telling them she did not want to be there and for once in their lives to do something to help others rather than only doing things for themselves, it fell on deaf and stupid ass ears! . And I did my best to ask the two dirtbags to not put her away. I also cursed them out when I found out they did.
My mother is not easy to care for, but I do it because it is my duty. I have been told by many people that most people would never do what i do, I get that. But my nephews are two people and the third is one's wife, there are three people to help my sister and with the money she was getting, an aide could had been hired, I gave my ass nephew the name of Home Instead he refused to call them. No one on here is going to convince me I should allow my nephews to feel what they did is okay, no way, no how! And now they have hundreds of thousands of dollars from an inheritance they did not deserve they never did anything for that grandmother except accept her checks. Why the younger nephew when I was yelling at him not to put his mother away that jerk off said, "Don;t you think if I could I would quit my job and take care of my mother?" Okay he has tons of money now so where is he taking care of his mother?? I freaking play the lottery idiotically hoping i will win so I can bring my sister home, they both have a boat load of money now why aren't they doing what i would do if I had that money???
I am telling you defenders of my nephews you are aligning yourselves with selfish, uncaring, narcissistic fools, it makes you look bad that you think somehow it is wrong for me to hate them because they failed my sister. Maybe God will allow my sis to get healthy enough to come here, or allow me to win big bucks in the lottery and bring her home, in the meantime, hellllll yeah I am going to rant about and hate my nephews. I reserve my love for those who have good souls, those who extend themselves to others, i sure don;t love, nor like or accept those two hemorrhoids, hell no!
My nephew was no way as affected by his Dad's death as my sister was, He would not even talk at his memorial service, not because he was so broken up, but because he is too shy, well guess what i am shy too, but i stood up, spoke about my brother in law and yep cried doing so in front of strangers to boot. I am positive it hurt him to lose his father it hurt me as well, I knew him since I was a little girl. But his Dad's death has not seemed to dramatically impact him, he still hung out with friends, still was the lazy oaf he always was, he still got high and ate a lot and slept until 2 pm, I saw no change in him. with my sister the change was dramatic she went from a woman who loved socializing with her friends to not wanting to be around them, since their husbands sometimes were around or they spoke of them. My sis changed from someone who loved laughing to a crier. She changed a lot, John was everything to her, he was one of a kind. And she visited him every day at the various ICU's they moved him too as well as a rehabilitation hosp, she went every day except nine days and that was from Dec 31st 2006 to July 2007 when he sadly died and she had to watch as they removed his life support, she saw him with a huge swollen eye from them having put a needle in that eye to retrieve cells to see if the cancer had spread to his brain. Countrymouse you have no idea what my sister saw and heard and what my poor brother in law suffered through those last almost 7 months of his life. Both my nephews went very minimally to see him, how awful, they knew he was dying, wouldn't they want to feel the love of their family those last horrible months on Earth? But my sister went all those days and sat and held his hand and wiped his nose, and turned him on his side so he was comfortable, she watched him suffer and die, I don't know how anyone could witness that and not die a little themself, plus my sis is obese and has pain from the obesity yet she sat in those very uncomfortable chairs by his bedside, i am thin and i sat in them and they hurt i can imagine how much it hurt her with her bad back and knees. My sister had to hear conflicting reports on John's health status every day and then she would go home and call up family members to tell them what was going on. My mother, sister ad i all visited John and my sister a lot. And they live 1,000 miles away. My sis also helped my sister when John died, she went there to watch the machines be unplugged and she helped my sis arrange the funeral and wake, but my sister still had to deal with everything in her own head. I know John's death is what caused all her brain sickness and her sons know it too.
Well Countrymouse I called my other sis last night and asked her to send a letter off to that dr I also told her i was forwarding her all the articles that i found online concerning untreated sleep apnea and confusion, depression, heart disease and strokes as well as other disorders, my sister said she would write the letter. I also told her if that dr is not proactive and immediately starts my sis on a CPAP then i will find a very good lawyer to sue that nursing home for gross negligence. I am positive many lawyers would willingly take on this case especially since that nursing home is huge, it has many nursing homes around the USA.
I also told my sister about some of the rude and insensitive remarks I got on here, she asked why do I even go on sites like this, i told her it is a caregiving site and I assumed people would be compssionate and caring, not rude, accusatory and insulting. She also thought that woman who tried to make me feel bad that I cannot go see my sis and have not seen her in 2 years is a terrible person. I agreed. I mean I am under so much stress caring for my mother and I am heartbroken still over my late bro in law and now my sister is ill and some ass decides it is right and good to make me feel awful about not being able to see my sister?
I do not feel my hatred for my nephew will wane, it is pathetic that here i am 1,000 miles away always trying to help my sister and that moron is right there and does nothing to try to improve her health. Today i called her and all she did was cry, it kills me. I could never put my mother away and hear her cries like that. My nephew should be telling them to give her treatments for the sleep apnea. All that lard ass does is visit her once a week ( maybe less often who knows, I ask the nurses and most of them only work 3 day shifts and at different times too so they really have no idea how often he and the other sloth visits her. I would think in a nursing home, like a hospital you have to sign in to visit patients, but there i guess not. It would be nice so i could see exactly how often the two turds visit her.
And see I disagree he is doing bad by doing nothing. If I say ignored my mother or did the minimal to keep her healthy and happy I would be doing bad, so that is the same with him, but with him he has all the time in the world and now inheritance money to help his Mom. and the other nephew though he works, he has days off, vacation time. these two pigs better learn a life lesson soon, that we are all here to help others, even when helping others is hard, depressing or time consuming.These two idiots haven't a clue about what life is all about.
Hopefully my sis will write soon to the nursing home dr and that dr will actually help my sister I have researched sleep apnea so much and they say within a month there is a great improvement in patients using the CPAP, so the sooner they start it the better, and if she tries taking it off, then they could use hand restraints like they use in hospitals so that patients do not pull at tubes they have in their mouths, noses and underneath their skin. I will be so thrilled when my sis starts to get better, even if it is just a little better that is better than the way she is now.
Again thank you for your kind and thoughtful words and good advice. and I told my sister that a nice woman on this site ( you) said to put the name of that neurologist from the Cleveland Clinic in that letter and to also write what he told her and her husband about my sister.
You see, I don't doubt that losing her husband is at least partly at the root of your sister's deterioration; but then wouldn't it also have been pretty damaging to a young man to lose his father in the same way?
I think it would help you if you were able to separate the issues into: one, how to help your sister; two, the blazing anger you feel towards your nephew.
I'm not saying you shouldn't feel angry. You feel how you feel. It's just that it makes it harder for you to be clear about what you want to happen next - how you want to go about making things better.
If you need to vent, there are loads of other threads on the forum where people who are angry with family members are exchanging experiences and supporting each other - it's a healthy way to let off steam.
But in terms of making constructive plans, I think it would be better if you just left him out of it. He's going to carry on acting in the way he has done. Well, that's okay: he's not doing anything bad, he's just not doing much at all. And what you're trying to do is add a more energetic, proactive approach to her care, particularly getting her bereavement/depression risks addressed, yes?
The thing is, if you don't separate the issues then it will be much harder for you to be clear about what you want to get done. The nephew-related bits can wait; your sister can't. Best of luck, let us know how you're getting on.
Now see with my sister she is, i am positive, also still deeply depressed over her husband's suffering and death, he died 7 years ago this July. He was a very special man, I really mean it he was kind, extremely intelligent, helpful and so moral. I know his suffering and death damaged her a lot. I still cry for him, I am still so sad to know I will never see him again...they used to come here every Christmas since they were married, and that is a looong time. But tis adds to her apathy, it is obvious she never was properly treated for her grief. I know my sis and i know her husband's death completely wrecked her. And no one expected him to be so ill and die, he was always super healthy, athletic etc.
But see my nephew does not work, it was not a matter of him taking time off from work, he is a lazy ass, I swear he is. He leeched off of her, he while there the first year refused to cut the lawn, she had to call her other son who lived maybe an hour away, worked and was married to come and cut it on the week-ends. The non working lazy nephew was supposedly going to college, 1,000 or more miles away from his home to get his Masters, he claimed he could not fly home to visit his Dad because he would never graduate unless he wrote his thesis, which hmm he never wrote, he bsed that his professors hated him because he wrote a satirical story about them ( give me an effing break, they are professionals and satire is not anything new to them, then he claimed his advisor gave him the wrong book to write his thesis on, the jerk just lies and lies.) And when he was home he refused to drive my sister to the hospital, it was an hour away, to see her husband, she was so stressed that she hated driving alone there, she had friends drive her and when her son came home she thought he would drive her, nope the bum many times would pretend or be asleep and she could not rouse him, she wanted to see her husband every single day, i don;t blame her, deep down she knew he was dying so these visits were precious to her, the ass nephew could not or did not want to realize that.
With my sister, when she started getting illhe ignored everyone's advice on what to do for my sister, he pooh poohed getting aides to come in, pooh poohed taking her to the Y for water aerobics, did not get a second MRI for her, did not get her primary care physician to hospitalize her to evaluate if her meds were causing or adding to her confusion,I told him numerous times that if she were in a hospital while having her meds readjusted or even being taken off of them, if an adverse reaction occurred she would be treated immediately for it, so it would be safe for her. And now look at him, he visits her sporadically, he hears and sees her crying, she does not want to be there and he does nothing to get her sleep apnea treated. Like that is too much for him? All he has to freaking do is tell the dr he wants her treated for it.
see your situation is completely different you do work, my nephew does nothing. he collects dumb azz Star war and dr who crap and goes on sites online where for free he monitors the boards or some crap, and these are like dopey message boards for fans of Star wars or whatever and he's a freaking grown man, not a teenager. He does nothing because he is a useless doufus. And i fear that money he inherited, hundreds of thousands he sees as some reward, hah! He never did a thing nor bought a thing for that grandmother he inherited it from. Mabe some miracle will happen where my sister will be treated for the sleep anea, will be able to walk, will come here and i will care for her and my Mom or mabe, verrry unlikely, i will win a huge lottery jackpot and build a handicapped accessible home, buy a wheelchair accessible van and bring her home here and take her to the best drs and if she never improves, it's okay since she will at leas be surrounded by people who love her and I will give her hugs and kisses everyday and that there is something good for her.
thank you for your advice and sharing a little about your situation. Have a great day!
It sucks that my sis is 1,000 miles away. I know my oaf ass nephew has guardianship over my sister because at the various facilities she has been in the staff has told me he does.
I am going to try to figure out how to make money here at home to see if I can get enough to bring her home.
See i am cool with caring for my mother, I do things with her to try to get her to get better. i know she would not like strangers in the home, way back when she hit her head, she was hospitalized for a few days and a nurse, an aide and a p/t was sent here, man she complained about the aide and nurse being here, but haha liked the p/t of course, he was a nice looking guy and was so attentive and sweet with her, she even missed him when he left. But she is not good with strangers coming around. Plus I get to read when she works on activities get her and I go online too, we are right by each other.
But thank you for your kind words and offer of a hug, God bless you for your sympathy and sweetness.
That wood-burning pen sounds so cool, and the idea that you paint and shellac the image you made, wow! I want to do that. I paint in acrylics and draw ( though I have not made any art work in a while) but i think i want to try doing that. I bought a set of washable paints for my mother to use, I can give her the easel and paints and canvas or paper to create art and then i can burn wood while she paints. I have seen people throwing out cut wood around here, I wonder if I could burn on those pieces and create art to hang on walls or even make intricately etched wood table tops. I hope your granddaughter will be as excited by the prospect of creating wood art as I am.
You have a great day.
My sister has many issues, yes but my nephew chose to not do anything about them, my other sis and her husband took her more than 2 years ago to the Clevelan Clinic see a prominent neurologist, he made many recommendations as well as he sent a letter to that nephew ( he chose not to go , what a slob), but the nephew ignored all recommendations because he thinks he knows everything, he thinks he has great intelligence and wisdom, more than a neurologist who has practiced medicine for over 30 years and studies the brain.
There is a book I intend to buy for my granddaughter entitled My Kind of Sad, written by a girl who suffered from mental illness, People who self mutilate do not feel pain when they are cutting themselves. The stress of traumatic memories or emotional pain causes the brain to release chemicals that act as a pain reliever. The physical pain of self-mutilation replaces the emotional pain they are feeling. It's about trying to feel alive..
I will be keeping my granddaughter for a few days. I did buy a woodburning pen which I will be right by her side when she uses it, and it will not be taken home. She can draw pictures on the wood; then burn the picture on the wood, then paint and shellac it. She will be able to do a lot of art work, and even make gifts for others. Thanks Again...marymember