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I hope I stay in the mood I am in, I really need to work on taking care of myself. I retired four years ago, me and my husband were travelling, and then he got sick and then my Dad died. My husband still is having health issues, that is emotionally draining also. I have no children. So hopefully now I can take care of myself and get back to my life.
I'm 63 years old now and I understand that we come to this earth, we live our lives and we pass. Some will remember us, but they will pass too as well as those behind them.
So take every opportunity to live now. Nature takes it's course and people pass on, some more gently than others. You have one life, so don't worry about the history. Live in the present. Take a walk and look around you at the birds, the sky, the trees, the grass and remember that the one who created all of this, also created you. By creation, you are connected to all living things. You are part of this spirit of life and renewal. You are never alone.
Love and Hugs, Cattails
My mother's vascular dementia and while she knows me, she is not able to really hold much of a conversation.
Her decline is sad, but eventually I will be a senior citizen and decline myself just like I saw my grandfather, grandmother and great aunt do. However, I don't feel any lost of my history or my identity. Anyhow, there are parts of this section of my history which are better off lost than hung onto.
My dad on the other hand appears to be just starting some signs of dementia, but more so his total loss of strength. That is sad, but their also I don't feel like I'm loosing my history or my identity. I've taken his slides from our trips over the years of 1961-1983 and made a movie of them using microsoft movie maker.
That is a part of my history and identity, but not all of it for since my mother and father divorced when I was three, I've had to become more of a survivor and in my teenage years created an unofficial family which helped me survive.
My current history and identity is more rooted in the now of being married and having two sons who are in college trying to find their way as well as enjoying what some call the empty nest syndrome which my wife and I are actually enjoying being a couple on our own again for we never stopped being a couple while raising our children which some couples do.
I'm sorry for your losses and the early grief that you are already dealing with, but you will survive it all and come out a stronger person than you were before this transitional phase of life. I wish you well. I'm not saying that it is going to be easy, but I am saying that you will be ok.
I agree with cattails and I also think it is time with your mom now where she needs to be for herself, that you now take some time to take care of your self and that you and your husband find ways to spend time together wherein you both agree to set the boundary of no mom talk at those times. I realize that is going to be tough, but from a husband's point of view, it can be very helpful to the relationship. You mom has people taking care of her. You did not cause her to have OCD nor did you cause her to go to the hospital those four time, nor can you control her problems or fix them. She must take responsibility for her own feelings. You can't, as some say, feel her feelings for her or mirror her emotions right back at her as if they were your own for they are not. On the other hand, it sounds like your husband has just you, but it sounds like emotionally you are somewhat enmeshed with your mom. There a therapist would be most helpful. I suggest finding a licensed clinical social worker type therapist for to me they have good training and they have their feet on the ground. Please, take care of you.
I've gone back and read your other posts. I'm sorry your husband suffered a heart attack and that you are so pulled between your mom's unhappiness and your husband's health issues.
You are not responsible for your mom's unhappiness. She is in AL because she needs professional care. Is there any medication that would help her anxiety? Possibly, at this time, you would benefit from some medication to help your anxiety.
I hope you can get some sound guidance. My heart goes out to you. Cattails.
My Mom is in AL and I visit about once a week but call almost every day. Right now, AL is the only place for her and she misses her house and husband(in Nursing Home with Dementia) that she get sad a lot. She is alway complaining about the residents in her building and the food.I will say most of the residents are hard to be around. But she needs to accept the fact that it is the best place for her. She is also 98% blind so there are many activities she can't do.
She can see the TV somewhat and loves to watch hometeam baseball or listen on the radio and she will go to Bingo because they have the large cards. She has her routine and likes to stick to it.
I hope
Nevertheless, I think it's perfectly fine for you to spend time with your mom on a daily basis. I like the 10am to 2pm idea. That's a nice long visit and your mom can rest in the afternoon and socialize hopefully at dinner.
Is it possible that medication could help with your mom's anxiety?
Cattails
Plus the transition to a whole new living situation.
About the AL staff, from their perspective they have a set routine and instead of having 1 resident (your mom) they now have 2 to deal with. They are trying to wean you off by suggesting you limit your visits.
It sounds like you have free time and are a bit adrift.
My suggestion to you is to speak with the AL activities co-ordinator - see if you can work with her to get things together for activities they do at the AL. This will give you an opportunity to go to see your mom for a brief visit, then go and help the activities gal (right now they are probably doing something for Mother's day) for an hour or 2, then go back and see your mom for another short visit, then leave. You actually help activities gal get stuff done - like sit and cut out pictures of flowers from a magazine for them to use the next day, etc. Then help on activities - this way you can interact with your mom and get to know some of the other residents and help bridge friendships between your mom and the other ladies. It will give your mom a "proud" thing to talk about too. You also get to know what the staff is like and who can be your point person to help your mom best (and who to avoid) and which residents are battle-axes'. Even if you're not an arts & crafts person there is stuff you can help activities with, like lining up the walkers if it's an exercise class or being an escort when they go on a shopping trip. I would do the shopping trips when my mom was in IL and I was in town for a few days to visit - hysterical fun escorting 80 & 90 yr olds some with walkers around Merle Norman & Steinmart. The activities gal is going to have the most flexibility in having a volunteer about. Good luck & keep busy.
Thanks, Carol