By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Thanks to all I am so glad to have this "out" to vent and read about other people's struggles and know I am not the only one feeling this way!
If your mom is so much work I suspect that you're giving up your own life for hers. You don't say whether you're married and if it's impacting your spouse or kids; they need to be considered too. I helped my mom as I could but then had to return to work full time; she moved into assisted living because she needs help 24/7 and I just can't be there and be at work too. I also have back and knee issues that prevent me from helping her if she falls, needs lifting or too much boosting, etc.
After moving, my mom quickly realized just how much I'd done for her and said thank you. I only let her say it once because I didn't want her to feel she owed me anything. We have a much better, respectful and loving relationship now. Good luck!
If your mom is so much work I suspect that you're giving up your own life for hers. You don't say whether you're married and if it's impacting your spouse or kids; they need to be considered too. I helped my mom as I could but then had to return to work full time; she moved into assisted living because she needs help 24/7 and I just can't be there and be at work too. I also have back and knee issues that prevent me from helping her if she falls, needs lifting or too much boosting, etc.
After moving, my mom quickly realized just how much I'd done for her and said thank you. I only let her say it once because I didn't want her to feel she owed me anything. We have a much better, respectful and loving relationship now. Good luck!
One thing that has helped me is to seperate the "needs" from the "wants." Needs get taken care of first...the wants come whenever it is convenient for me. (ie: going to the bank 3 times a week is unreasonable.) You are spoiling her.
Here are two suggestions: 1) make one day a week all her's. Do all the errands, etc. on that day. If she needs other special errands etc, have her call your sis.
2) Have a caregiver come in once a week (on her tab - if she can afford expensive gifts, she can pay for some of her care) to help bathe her and run a few errands for her. Then you take the day off and pamper yourself.
my mom and I watched Dr. Phil on a daily basis for a few years. He covered just about all of our issues and we would say that we 'Dr. Phil'ed' all of our emotional stuff out and took care of it. It really helped us grow and live more civil lives with each other while we dealt with the other issues of the disease and the other things I had to take care of such as repairs to the house, etc.
Mom actually learned that her behavior was not acceptable by watching Dr. Phil. that and listening to me gripe. I got me a sweet mama now!
I can't wait to hear back from our lady on this thread to see if she's tried anything yet!!
Everybody take care and I'll check back later....
lovbob
naheaton and cat are right on the money.
We feel for you going through this craziness and it is true that if you change your behavior you will change the dynamic.
A reason that our loved ones sometimes act like jackasses to us is that they see us as nurses as opposed to the loving daughters, sons, spouses that we really are.
You are the one doing the dirty work and when the sister shows up, mom's all clean and shiny, smelling great and ready to go.
Screw that. Cat's got some great advice for the running of the errand and
Let your sister give mom a bath and dress her for an outing. If she refuses tell her that you're going to scream your bloody head off unless she scores you some great stuff on the shopping sprees.
Like Dr. Phil says: what's her currency? fear of taking care of mom? I am an only child and I know that if I had a sib taking care of my 89 year old Alz mom instead of me I would be pretty snappy about getting her the stuff she needs including a cashmere sweater and a Coach bag.
Your mom could just be demented in these few areas. Her behavior is not acceptable yet she thinks it is. Hmmm. oh yeah. Demented.
Know that you can do this and get rid of your bad feelings. If you stand up for yourself you will feel better. We are creatures with a sense of justice and when that sense is skewed, we feel lousy (jealousy, resentment) until it is righted again. I felt lousy for other mom issues and believe me I know how sick that can make you. I had to work to make that justice come back and it really made a difference in how I feel/felt.
Good luck,
Bobbie
Try this - Beautiful sweater! You should wear it when you take mom to the bank this week. Mom, that was so nice, I know Sis will enjoy running errands with you - - - smile & end the conversation. Don't get sucked back in and don't explain.
Take the afternoon off & go do something fun for you. Leave your mom a note that you sister will be around to take her to bank, errand, etc. Let them figure it out without you.
It may sound easy, but sometimes it is if you let go & decide to let it be. You can still be nice, but only do as much as you can without feeling resentment or jealousy. Those feelings will burn you out & suck the joy from your life. You are better than that.
Perhaps your sisters will decide to support you a little bit more once they see you have made up your mind.
Take care, it won't be easy but will help with your peace of mind. R-E-S-P-E-C-T is what you deserve. That song by Aretha Franklin says it all. :-)
Happy New Year to all caregivers who are having a quiet night at home!