By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
There's no doubt you still love her very much, but you need to get on with the rest of your life. If there was good communication between you before she went into AL, I'm sure she'll understand you can't continue to put things on the back burner while seeing to her needs. After all, you did that for 10 years.
In any case, she's still your wife and you have to meet her half way. I suggest you visit her Tue., Thu., & Sat. 2-4 hours, but make sure it's quality time. Your children can fill in the rest of the week, but don't expect them to.
For better or worse, in sickness and in health, you took a vow to be there. When you live life to the fullest, you don't have to worry about how many years you have left. And most things aren't seen as an obligation but as building blocks of joy and love. So don't forget to spend Christmas and greet the New Year with her. If you've never kissed under the mistletoe, now's your chance.
-- ED
We have a program in my local city called Partners In Hope and they have a lot of seniors volunteering to help others out. Check around in your community and see if their might be some kind of program in your area. They help people in need of financial, food, transportation and sometimes caregiving. It's a good area to start in. Good luck. You are a devoted spouse and there are not many out there. Thank you! Donna H.
As a former primary caregiver, I know it's hard to let other people take care of your relative, let alone someone as close to you--your wife. ...but if you feel like you have less time for yourself now (that she is in assisted living) than when she was living at home with you--maybe you ought not to go up there as often. I know that sounds hard to do. Maybe you could look at it as 1) taking a few days of vacation off. You can let the staff know at the ALF (Assisted Living Facility) that they can reach you if anything urgent comes up and you'll be back in a few days. It doesn't necessarily have to be on the weekends, it could be during the week. I know I don't like to leave my relatives in the hospital, nursing home, assisted living facility
alone on the weekends. ...but I also know that they have a set procedure that they are to follow, so if I go up and spend an hour, 2 or 3, or half the day--I know they're there to care for her. When I was caring for my MIL at home, my husband & sister talked me into going on a wkend getaway (with my sister and some old friends that I hadn't seen since college). I felt guilty that I was leaving my MIL for the weekend (even though I knew that my husband and SsIL would care for her). You know what? I had a good time and I recharged my batteries (so to speak)! Take some time out for yourself and then you can come back to the assisted living facility where your wife is and you'll feel refreshed. If you feel like you have to find out how she is, you can always call and speak to the nurses. I hope this helps! Good luck!
It is a slippery slope when you become someone's only contact. Her depression will take you down.
You sound like a responsible man who cares deeply for your wife. Shame on the daughters who just "cannot take" seeing their mother in her present condition (this is happening in my family too....and I agree, you just cannot look the other way and hope that your loved one gets the help they need.)
I fear that if you do not get some time to rejuvenate, you will be joining her soon.... Take care of yourself, so you can take care of your wife.
good luck,
Lilli
The staff where my mom is now know we visit often, and not at predictable times, and they know we care how she is treated. Care is not going to be perfect but it is not bad either, or we would not have kept her there. And just bringing stuff every few days is good, my mom really appreciates it when I stock her up on her favorite sugarfree candies or bring her clean or new clothes, or drag one of the grandkids in to visit. Once she gets the idea that you bring her stuff and see her every so often and that calling you does not result in anything happening, things wil get better. Now if you answer the phone every 4th or 5th time she calls, she wil keep calling and calling and calling - its called "intermittent reinforcement" and it is a very powerful technique to induce persistent behavior - which is GREAT if you want that behavior! You may have to make her go through staff to call you AND plan for calls to occur regularly when it is reasonable for you. They could let her call you maybe at 2 PM every day, and for real emergencies. And then you visit when you can. It may not be every day, but a few times a week could be fine. It might need to be shorter time each visit - if you stop in every day, defintiely make it for a shorter time. You don't have to feel guilty that you can't spend all your time taking her calls or staying with her, just do enough to reassure her she is not being abandoned and make sure they realize you are checking on things and care about her. You are almost certainly right that she could still be depressed even if she was living in the Taj Mahal with royal attendants AND your full time attention.
BTW, tardive dyskinesia is very hard to manage, a really good neurologist might try med changes and some meds to counteract it, but it often does not subside very much at all no matter what you do.
God bless you for caring, and I know you wish you - or someone- could do more to make it better. It probably can't be done or it would have been done already though. Nothing wrong with getting a second or third psychiatry or neurology opinion and staying on top of research, but there just may not be anything else. Most everything I had them to try for my mom backfired with side effects, unfortunately,
We have been through a suicide attempt on her part,two hip replacements,breast cancer and masectomy,depression and 28 shock treatments all in a three year period.I'm just exhausted.Thanks again for listening.
Are you depressed? If so, you might be spending too much time when visiting and visiting too often because depression feeds off of depression. I noticed that you said your wife has depression.
One would think that her being in assisted living would me you had more time for you but that is probably hard to do after having her home for 10 years being taken care of by you.