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If Mom is 79 your not retirement age. You are losing years of SS earnings. SS only goes back 35 yrs from the date you apply. If your not working within that 35yrs, it effects ur earnings. If Moms care is getting too much, then time to have a family meeting to discuss placing Mom or taking her money to pay an aide to care for Mom while you at least get a p/t job. Explain that no one can spend 24/7 in a house with a person like Mom. You need to have time to yourself. Your not her daughter, your a slave.
After you do that, it is time fo think about what you want your future to look like.
What are you going to do when she passes?
for doing nothing, and dumping all the stress and worries on you.
I bet you 1,000,000 hugs, that they wouldn’t even lift a finger to call APS, if it would be necessary. They would leave that to you, too. In other words, your siblings have criminally abandoned your mom. The minimum one must do as an adult child, is to call APS when necessary, otherwise it’s abandonment (a crime).
You’re there helping your mom, so it’s not an APS situation.
I’m just saying that, if it would be an APS situation (for example you want to walk away completely), I bet you, your siblings couldn’t even be bothered to call APS, so APS helps your mom. You’ll have to call APS. Your siblings won’t lift a finger for anything.
One day, God will kick them.
You can’t ask people to also be abused because you are abused.
You can have a zoom meeting with them to get a game plan on what to do about your mom.
What is it that you really want? Do you want to move out? Do you want to take a vacation? Do you want to hire caregivers? Do you want to put mom in a home?
Where to you want to go?
Seriously?
Be Mom's main caregiver, but with more help?
Do you want to go to work? Maybe you already do? Or study?
Do you want to live where you do?
Most caregivers don’t have help from their siblings. Occasionally, siblings help each other out and that is truly wonderful.
I don’t think it’s feasible for everyone in the family to help. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have empathy for you, of course I do.
I am no longer a caregiver. My parents are deceased.
I remember having my siblings over for holiday meals and listening to them talk about how wonderful their vacations were and thinking how terrific it was that they could go on special vacations, yet inside I was wishing that I could have be free as a bird too and travel again.
I would suggest that you take your focus off of your siblings and place your attention on what you want for yourself. The same applies for your mom. Decide how you want to live your life, then make plans for your mom to adjust accordingly.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Give right back to her and then some. If she tells you 'F***' like you say in your profile, give it right back. If she complains tell her shut the hell up and no one cares. The ignore her into oblivion. Pay her no attention whatsoever when she's 'acting up'.
You will never get the love or validation from her that you deserve. I won't from my mother either. So it's time for you to move on.
Your profile says you have professional skills in the healthcare field. That's good. Use them and a get a job. Get away from her. Enough is enough.
It's time to have a meeting with your other siblings and decide what to do with your mother together because it's time for you to walk away.
No one has to tolerate abuse and live with it. The abuser being family makes absolutely no difference whatsoever.
I'm also a true believer in respect being earned and not guaranteed. If your mother shows you no respect then show her none in return.
Then do absolutely nothing for her. If she depends on you for her meals like mine does, hunger will make her learn to mind her mouth.
If she's dependent on you for rides, let her miss a few appointments.
Don't play her games and stop tolerating her abuse. You're an adult, not a child. You have a choice. You don't have to take it.
And 101? You’ve really taken good care of her. That’s all thanks to you.
As the others have said, you have choices. But expecting your siblings to offer themselves up to your nasty mother is kind of naive. They've chosen to focus on their own lives. You can respect them for that, or resent them for that. Your call.
But guess what? You don't have to stay living with her and taking her abuse. Hopefully you've saved up enough money now to get the heck out of there and start living and enjoying your life.
And mom, well she can move into either an assisted living facility or memory care. And if she thinks she can live on her own, let her. You can put a call into APS and report a vulnerable adult living by themselves and they will come out and do an assessment on her.
You don't have to stay in this unhealthy situation. I do hope you know that. Start taking the necessary steps today to get yourself out of this mess you've gotten yourself into.
We all make our own choices. Their choices may have caused you to feel that you are the only one to act on your parent's behalf. But if you are going to sacrifice your life to them, there will be little help for you in it.
For me, blood is not a whole lot thicker than water. I would not give care to parents who abused me. I would allow the state to do that, just as they must do it for elders who have no children to act in their behalf.
This is all, I know, easier said than done, and I am so sorry for the dreadful choices ahead of you. Your parents had their limitations. I am not blaming them. But I would also not advise you to sacrifice your own life to them.
I do fear in the future this mindset we currently have is going to backfire and the system or government will place a portion of the burden on the family. I already see it from friends now, why should tax payer dollars go to caring for elderly that have family but cannot be bothered.