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Can you continue the daily phone calls? Are you on good terms with the daughter? Could you get updates from her once a week or so?
Can you continue the visits, perhaps every two weeks? I certainly can understand why visiting her upsets you. I have a feeling not visiting her would be upsetting, too.
People whose loved ones have dementia experience anticipatory grief. You are losing this dear women one memory at a time. You are in mourning as well as remembering your wife's dementia journey.
People mourn in their own ways. It has only been a little over 3 months that your loved one has been moved away from your daily visits. I personally think it is very unrealistic to expect you to "let go and get a life." Did they expect you to do this while your wife was still alive?
There is a time to mourn, and a time to dance. I just don't think this is your dancing season. At your age you may have a decade or more to dance. Keep yourself healthy, physically and emotionally. Gradually, as you feel up to it, start re-building a life for yourself. It will be very different than your current situation, or the life you had when she was well. But it can be a satisfying life.
I respect that you are mourning, and that is a perfectly legitimate thing for you to do. And yet she is still alive, which makes the situation more complicated. Please don't do anything that will make you feel you are deserting her, for your own sake. After visiting her everyday you don't deserve to feel that you are letting her down.
I lost my husband to dementia, and I know a little about anticipatory grief. One way that it is different from grief after a death is the lack of community support. Once my husband died I got cards and letters and flowers and meals from my friends and family. They understood mourning after death and did the traditional things to comfort me.
You are not only without conventional support in your mourning, you have people telling you how to feel and to "get a life." Right now your life includes grief. It won't forever, but I think you have to recognize it while it is happening.
How lucky you've been to have had two wonderful women in your life!
Firstly sorry for your loss.
Right! Don't feel bad you cannot visit as much as you like. Sorry to say, there is not a lot you can do. Her daughter has all the rights for her mum.
The only thing I can suggest you do, and only if you want to, is to do some hospice or hospital visits in your area. This will help make you feel closer (by proxy)
Try and cut down your physical visits to her. Like you said, she does not always know who you are. Stick to the phone and take care of yourself.
Write to her. Make sure you send them. A member of staff can read them to her, if she is unable.
I send you loads of love and hugs. Take care.
I meant no offence and would not want to upset you, for the world.
If I have done I am sooooooooo sorry. Please ignore this silly old fool, whos mouth runs away. Seems my mouth is on automatic before my brain kicks in.
Hugs
Bless your lovely soul.
Do what’s in your heart and be gentle with yourself. It’s a beautiful thing you are doing. Cherish the memories. Gradually you will know what steps to take as your love moves through her life phases, and the time will come when you know to let go. You are grieving. Please find a support group. Make the phone calls to the lady you love, send flowers and take good care of yourself by planning and moving forward with your life so it can be fulfilling for you.
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