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She is now the wife. I have every sympathy with someone facing that "in sickness and health" down because I am 81 and my partner 83 and we are both well aware that the Grim Reaper will be visiting at some point and we hope his scythe is sharpened. Going the slow way is a crucible for the person enduring it, and for the entire family.
Your step-mom is now facing down the "bad as it gets" of wives everywhere. But this is HERS to deal with unless your father made YOU his POA and you accepted that duty.
Whether he remains in FL or comes home to Maine, it is now time for this blended family to get together in his behalf. Do pay a visit. Help Step mom to attend an Elder Care Attorney to get papers together, to do division of finances and to work on placement for your Dad. Whether that placement is there, his home now, or coming to Maine is somewhat a moot point, other than that it will be slightly better in the state of his residency.
Sorry, but this doesn't mean you take him in, and please decline to do so even temporarily. Once you do that you have painted yourself in the corner of having made your home his home, and having made his caregiving your responsibility.
I wish you so much luck in this dilemma and your step-mom as well, and of course your Dad.
Best of luck setting down boundaries and sticking to them.
She needs to see an eldercare lawyer and make a plan HERSELF.
Let her know NOW you can't take him, don't give in or feel sorry for her.
Dad is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
Make it very clear you can't possibly take him in, you have to work and earn a living. You have no room or experience dealing with dementia. Dad needs professional care in a facility, not pawned off on you by his wife.
Encourage her to see a lawyer and make some arrangements for him.
This isn't the time to be thinking about moving your dad anywhere except perhaps to either an assisted living facility or memory care unit, preferably in Florida where his wife can still keep an eye on him and visit when she wants.
With all the older folks living in Florida, I'm sure there are many great programs available to them to help in such a situation as your stepmothers, so perhaps you just need to explore those options with her so she doesn't feel so alone and overwhelmed.
Best wishes in finding the right care for your dad.
+ the Father needs more help.
This does not = the OP being 'the help'.
There may be burn out, not coping.
There may be many reasons the Dad's wife cannot continue as she is (eg her own health, cultural beliefs, financial reasons, faith based idelas, family-helps-family values).
I've stepped close to that pond of need so many times.. when the caregiver thinks they are alone, are sinking in quicksand, have become desparate. If you lend a hand they pull you in. Step on you as they climb out. Leave you to drown.
No.
Throw them ropes.
Advise them how to find their help.
How to find their steps up & out.
Do not be trampled underfoot.
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