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If you haven’t done so, Sit down and talk to hubby. Come up with a solution/compromise. Yes, your marriage is important, but his behavior towards your mom is unloving. There may be explanations for his attitude/behavior, but there are no excuses for being mean. It’s incredibly disrespectful.
I know your taking ''temporary'' care of your husband so don't even tell me how to help others since you yourself don't seem to be taking your husband's disability too well at this point. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
If your mom is as capable as you portray then she may very well be happier living among people of her own generation in a place that affords social opportunities. It would also have made it easier when the time came that she needed actual hands on care, and unless people mercifully die in their sleep that time will come. We allowed my mother to continue a lifestyle that was difficult and isolating because she was comfortable with the familiar and afraid of change. In retrospect I realize that a supportive family would have helped sooth her fears and encouraged a change, but let's face it the status quo is easier.
How long has she been living with you?
What led to your husband giving your father his word that your mother would always live with you; did you consider that a binding promise or just an intention to comfort your father?
What difference has your mother's moving in made to your household? Do you have enough space, has she taken over a room or rooms that you were using?
When you say that your husband's criticism of your mother is impatient and he has made her cry...
To the outside observer, that presents a whole spectrum of possibilities with scope for right and wrong on both sides.
I mean, what did he say to her about her washing? It could be:
she dyed all his office shirts pink by leaving red socks in the washing machine
he wishes she wouldn't leave wet laundry draped around the living room
he turned purple because she added a teaspoonful too much detergent
she starched his Y-fronts and he mildly asked her not to next time
But if your husband is *constantly* critical, not just of her but of everyone, it could well be that this is part of his personality and he intends no offence by it.
How did they get on before she moved in?
It seems obvious to me that your husband would be happier if she was not there.
However, she IS there and functioning well. I have a hunch she is much too capable to consider assisted living.
I am remined of a one of the ten commandments: "honor thy father and mother that it may be well with thee and thou mayest live long upon the earth." This does not say one has to like or love his mother-in-law, but it does say we are to honor our parents (and I would assume that includes mothers-in-law. )
Being nearly 83 years old myself and quite adequately functional, I am nevertheless quite aware of my aging and becoming less capable in a number of activity areas, and of course slowly-deteriorating health in some respects.
Grace + Peace,
Old Bob in North Carolina
As you may see from the many questions posed, there is not enough information about your situation to offer a real solution to your dilemma, and a dilemma it is indeed. It is incredibly difficult to be stuck in the middle between two people you love, and that is exactly where you are :(
Maybe grumpy is just your fellas way in the world, or maybe this situation has brought this part of his personality to the fore... hard to say. What I can say confidently, is that it can be pretty tough to be where you are - but it is also tough to be where he is.
I have personal experience here. Suddenly your space has gone from a world governed by two adults, to one whose schedule and agenda is dictated (consciously or not) by a parent’s presence. For many of us, it has been literally decades since we shared our ‘space’ with a mom or a dad.
Suddenly, our wife is also a daughter, with all the baggage and scripts that entails. We become the person ‘in the way’ of a powerful mother daughter dynamic - no matter whether it is positive or negative - and those roles may not jibe well with our long-standing ‘husband/wife’ groove. It’s a complicated situation, a target rich environment for emotional charge and subsurface stress and resentment. No surprise that those issues are bubbling to the surface.
As a family therapist, and the spouse of a caregiver dealing with a love-in MIL, my suggestion would be this: blame is irrelevant and unhelpful - understanding and live, is key. Find somewhere you and your spouse can listen, and really hear, one another. Some respite time, a friend’s comfy living room, or if need be, a therapists office might work.
Sometimes the loss of (and subsequent grief over) the ‘we’ you two used to be, of the partners you both built your life with, can be like a constant pain - as onerous as nails on a chalkboard, day in, day out. Expressing it, and feeling it directly, can be a release valve that can drain away all that resentment and irritation. That way, it doesn’t have to come out side-ways. It was like that for us.
I was so sad about my home and partner - my ‘safe haven’ feeling lost, and missing the woman I knew and loved - it floored me when I realized just how much. When I did, my resentment of having my SO’s mom around, which had gotten pretty burdensome, became not only something much bearable, but something we could bear together.
Of course, it goes without saying that abusive behavior is never ok - no amount of hurt feelings justifies that choice. That said, most people don’t WANT to be grumpy... I’m not sure if this is what’s going on for you both, but maybe it is. Talking , formally or informally, might just be the antidote.
Wishing the three of you well,
-Andy