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Same situation - "no one helps me" was the constant refrain, but help was accepted only when it suited her; she wanted to orchestrate the entire situation. At other times she refused help and played the martyr.
This is a hard situation because if the controlling daughter has her own agenda, she's going to manipulate the situation and everyone involved to accomplish that agenda. This can become a vendetta, especially against the siblings who she feels are not cooperating. She really wants to build a case that she's the sole person who cares enough about the parents to take care of them, but she's probably subconsciously retaliating against the siblings for some perceived wrongs over the years.
She may also need the pity she gets from others outside the family. Some people just thrive on this kind of pity.
Honestly, we never found a solution. We eventually accepted that the caregiver daughter was emotionally ill, insisted on seeing our relatives, but severed all contact with her after her parents died.
I say this not to suggest that there aren't any alternatives; but it is hard when someone is on a pity party trip, wants to hog the caregiving tasks but also wants to be pitied. There's obviously some dysfunction but we never figured out how to deal with it.
One thing that did happen was that the emotionally unstable caregiver eventually monopolized and manipulated to acquire total physical and financial control, perpetuated lies against her sibling and sibling's family, and sought to publicize those lies to gain more pity, not to mention cheating her sibling out of her inheritance.
It's really a tough situation; I wish I knew what to suggest but I don't, although I did want to let you know you're not alone. These vendettas, is that's what it is with your sister, are psychologically complex and if the perpetrator won't get help, I don't know what kind of intervention would work.
She does have a controlling personality. I have tried talking with her but she denies or turns around what I'm trying to say, and I am now beyond frustrated.
Mom and Dad do need someone there, but when I ask about seeking outside help, she says "Why? I'm there!" The "best" answer I've ever gotten from her is "Just do what you want, I don't care."
This has gone on for months.
can you arrange to meet her somewhere else have a coffee and ask her what is going on with her?
Who decided that she would be the main caregiver was this her choice? i have to say this is unusual unless shes a control freak?