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Dcurnan, it concerns me that this is your second post about your issues with changing mom’s adult diapers. Were you “guilted” into caregiving for her? Are you the only one available to take care of her, meaning do you have any opportunities for help at all? When you agreed to be her caregiver, did you have any idea what all it involved? Mom is not doing this TO you, you are doing this FOR her. She is not flooding the place to make your life difficult. If you’ve ever been on diuretics, you know when they kick in, they’re a force to be reckoned with. Caregiving is doing a LOT of distasteful stuff. While caring for Hubby, I’ve done everything from holding a basin while he vomits to scraping the dead skin off the bottom of his feet and everything in between, as have most of us here. You just gotta do it, Kiddo, and not concentrate on what you’re doing.
If you don’t think you can handle this task of caregiving, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of if you can’t, then you need to speak with family members, (if available), her doctor, your local area Agency on Aging, even your Pastor. Most of us never signed up to be a loved one’s caregiver and all that entails. It’s one of the hardest jobs ever and a lot of times, there’re no pats on the back. You need to get help, be it in the form of home health care, a relative or counseling to help you handle. Good luck and God bless.
Have you discussed the possibility of a catheter with the hospice nurse?
I think I can understand both guilt and love as caregiving motivations. Keep the love uppermost in your mind. Understand that there are a lot of ways to express love besides doing all the hands-on care.
I found that caring for my husband in our home on hospice a deeply meaningful experience. I had 32 hours a week of PCA help, and he was on a catheter the final few days. Having help certainly didn't mean I loved him any less, or make the experience less profound!
Your mom is on hospice. I would be inclined to advise you to keep doing your best and hang in there until the end. But you are also caring for your dad. This could go on quite a while. While you have access to the hospice social worker I advise you to start planning for the long haul. Would you do better with in-home help? Can Dad afford it? Would he qualify for Medicaid? As his needs increase, does a care center make sense?
You love both of your parents. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't also factor in your own strengths and weaknesses and needs when planning their care.
Keep in touch here. We care!
Is Mom ready for hospice? if she is they will take care of this plus send an aide in to bathe her several times a week. Think about it and talk to hospice. Mom's Dr has to order it but you can just talk to them.
I'm so sorry to hear about your mom's condition. I know its hard for you being the main caregiver.
Like Jeanne said I'm worried your mom might have congestive heart failure that is why her feet is swelling. This is very serious. Are you able to get your mom more home care or maybe it's time to consider assisted living or a nursing home.
I hear how burnt out you are and its really hard. I was there too with my dad. Looking back I wished so badly, I had found another options. I would tell my siblings about this or that and I had no support. Thinking of you.
I think you ought to start looking into Medicaid. Regardless of what happens next, it is going to cost money. I'm sure you'd like it in place, or at least know the process is well along before you go back to work. Start now. Call your Area Agency on Aging and see if there is some help available for getting the application ready. You may want to consider a lawyer specializing in Elder Law also (with your parent's money.)
As you say, a nursing home might be required even if that isn't what anyone really wants. You can only do so much. She can still be on hospice in a nursing home. (My mother was.) You and your dad can visit her there as much as you like, but without responsibilities for her care.
Mother is on hospice. She should be getting comfort care. Hospice is usually a good judge of what is comforting. And they are there to be comforting to the entire family. Don't be afraid to explain to them what bothers you.
And I'm so glad you haven't left your job!
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