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" Paula has changed, been unhappy, on edge, short tempered etc. for years."
So then it's not related to her current issues with her mother?
"...even though I don't want to live with her mom, (nobody WANTS to live with their parents or their partners) I agreed to do it, ...for my partner."
Do you understand with "live with" will mean for you? It will most certainly mean assisting with caregiving. You are okay with that?
I see I did not explain enough about my situation because I'm reading a lot of questions about my questions. THIS is the situation. My partner Paula, is of cuban descent. Her mother is 80 and living in the house her and her husband bought 35 years ago. ...(he died 5 years ago). My partner has moved in with her mom while she was going to look for a house to buy. Moms house is way too small for the three of us and has had no renovations in may years. I asked my sister to live with her and her husband for 3-4 months, till we but a new house.
I understand mom does not want to move but her health is declining and even though I don't want to live with her mom, (nobody WANTS to live with their parents or their partners) I agreed to do it, ...for my partner. Now Paula wants to want till mortgage rates go down and OR the home prices. I tell her that won't happen for a good year and a half. I can't stay at my sisters house for all that time. It's not fair to me, my sister or her husband. A few friends who know all this tell me that I'm being put last in the relationship. Her mom is first and always will be. I know this is true, Paula being a cuban daughter. Paula told me she can't be rushed into buying a house. My family tells me to end the relationship. It's not a going to work out. Mom will not be a happy person if she does move anywhere. Paula has changed, been unhappy, on edge, short tempered etc. for years. Do I wait it out or do I end it and make my own life by myself?
Thank you.
Thank you for your reply. I know my partners mom is "controlling". My partner and I are middle age. We sold our house we lived in for over 20 years to buy a larger home for the three of us to live in because Moms house is too small for three and our house was also. My partners mom comes first in her life. (She is of cuban decent) I'm second, Iv'e known this. Although my partner does not agree! I do not work at this time so yes, I would have to care for mom while my partner is at work. I feel I will hurt my partner so very much if I break up with her. I don't want to do that but I feel I trapped because of this mess.
Me, I look at this as its no longer what she wants, its what she needs. Her doctor has said, in so many words, that Mom needs 24/7 care. So its "Mom, the doctor says you cannot live alone anymore. If you wait till something happens that debilitates u, you may end up in an Assisted Living or Long term care because we can't care for you. Living with us, someone will be there to help prevent anything from happening."
Are you waiting for Mom to sell her house to contribute to a house for the 3 of you. This should not be done. If there is the slightest chance that Mom could be on Medicaid in the next five years, she should not contribute to the purchase of the home. Medicaid looks at this as gifting on her part.
Selling her home and moving at her age can feel utterly sad and overwhelming. Sometimes resistance and stubbornness are no longer a personality trait but an early symptom of dementia. If your partner is the PoA for the Mom, then the first step might be to get her in for a cognitive/memory exam. At least everyone will know where things stand and will be important to any future decision-making.
Also, because you said "partner" and not spouse, please make sure that you are aware of how your current and future state of residence views long-term, unmarried relationships. I have read on this forum about disasters regarding unmarried committed couples where one partner passes away and then the surviving person is left without a financial safety net (as in rights to the other's SS benefits, to name just one). Also, more states are choosing to end their recognition of common law marriages (because it has to be proven in court, takes resources, is time-consuming), so currrently only 8 states recognize them.
Here's an interesting article:
https://www.npr.org/2016/09/04/487825901/no-you-re-not-in-a-common-law-marriage-after-7-years-of-dating
Her mom has been living independently and has been told that she can no longer do that, right? You two are moving. You want mom to come with you.
Why can't you two move now and get settled? Is partner currently staying with her mom and unwilling to "rock the boat"? Do you own the new house jointly? Why don't you move in?
The thing is, if mom is compis mentis, she can make any decision she wants. Her doctor told HER that she shouldn't live alone any longer. If she wants to risk that, it's HER CHOICE.
"Mom, we have sold the house and we're moving. You are welcome to move with us. Your doctor says you shouldn't live alone any more. What is your plan for getting the help you need when we aren't close by any longer?"