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If your mom is a narcissist, and her current behavior is not a manifestation of her disease, then your sadness is understandable. You never had a true "mother"; you had an adult making sure you were fed and clothed. So, grieve that, but don't grieve about your mother's situation.
If you have a pastor or minister, or priest you feel comfortable talking to, please do. It will help you put everything in perspective. Big hugs to you
As far as feeling sad goes, that comes with the territory of being human. What daughter can listen to an ugly tirade from her mother and NOT feel sad? I listen to rants from my 94 year old mother quite often and try to talk her off whatever ledge she's climbed up on this time. 90% of the time, she doesn't want to be talked off the ledge. She just wants to fight. She wants me to fix the fact that she has dementia and lives in memory care. That she can't walk. That she hates the food and is so anxiety ridden and nervous she can't function. But you know what? I can't. I do the best I can but it's never fixed her problems or her endless complaints or her narcissistic tendencies that the world owes her a living. So when she starts in on one of her frequent tirades, I tell her I'm hanging up the phone now mom, goodnight, and I'll speak to you when you're in a better mood. Then I don't call for awhile. And I'm sad most of the time. Because I've never had a mother to confide in. Or who was there for ME. I always had to be there for her, because she is So Nervous.
So it's a losing proposition for you and I. We're sad no matter WHAT we do. So the key is to take care of ourselves so our mother's don't wind up killing us first. It happens. The stress and the heartache and the feelings of unworthiness they try to instill in us every day take a very big toll. And that sadness hangs over us like a black cloud all the time, tainting our very souls. Making us feel like we shouldn't be happy because they are miserable. Don't buy into the lie. Live your life. Do what you have to for your mother but nothing more.
Remind yourself daily that you are a child of God and that you are loved and worthy of love and happiness. And entitled to live a full life in spite of having an old and sickly mother who feels otherwise.
Wishing you, and all of us in a similar position, the strength and courage to move forward with our OWN lives. To give ourselves PERMISSION to do that.
Consider therapy if you're feeling depressed, it can really help.
Stay strong
If it was my Mom and with the history you have, I would "lose" the phone. But if she uses it to keep in touch with friends and does not abuse them, then that really is her lifeline to the outside world. But if u do "lose" the phone, make the head nurse aware so they don't go looking for it.
Now for you. You do not have to pick up the calls. On a cell phone you can block her and they won't even ring thru. I have mine on Do not disturb and only my contacts come thru. All others go to VM. By taking Mom out of your contacts, you can listen to her VMs to see if its something u need to address. Landline, I have Caller ID, I just let calls go to VM. I have an old phone system so you probably can block on the newer ones.
Mom is safe where she is. She has everything she needs. You have staff that can tell you when she needs something. Toiletries are provided as are Depends. She gets 3 meals a day, snacks and activities. Its not your fault her health became a 24/7 job. She needs more care than u can provide or want to. You really shouldn't be caring for a Narcissistic person. They have no empathy. Its all about them. You do not need that stress and u don't owe her your life. So since she will never change, its up to you to. Call her once a day, if you want, to check in. As soon as she starts say, sorry Mom time to go and hang up. There is no trying to make her understand, her Dementia makes that impossible. Or let her have a certain length of time to vent and then say time to go. Put it on speaker while u do something. Don't answer her unless she asks are you there. Then say yes. Tell fibs, can't do anything until the doctor says OK. Eventually her Dementia will progress where hopefully she will forget about being mad at you.
As someone on this forum said "Guilt is self-imposed". You have done nothing to feel guilty about. Its what it is.
I really feel as if you have a handle on understanding the facts regarding your relationship with your mom.
You are struggling with the emotional baggage that accompanies family dynamics.
I once heard a psychologist say, “We would never treat others as badly as we tend to treat members of our own family.”
Such a true statement! We have all been guilty of hurting people in our families. Correct?
Why does this happen? There are different theories.
Some say, we mistreat others that we feel safest with.
Okay...
I will buy into that line of thought. It happens far too often to be a coincidence.
Others have said, people test those closest to them to see how much they ‘care’ about their welfare.
Yeah...
This also seams plausible.
BUT...
Even if we NEVER get to the bottom of issues, such as, narcissism, insecurity, depression, an anxiety disorder, whatever...
If a pattern occurs so frequently with individuals, that we can safely assume that it is not an ‘off’ day (everyone has bad days) then sooner or later for our own sanity, we have to break free so we can love ourselves. It actually becomes self abuse if we stick around!
It is NOT selfish to love ourselves. Sometimes it takes a bit of deprogramming, so be it!
It was hard for me to go against the grain of my own core personality and tell my mom that I totally understood her needs but due to the circumstances of being mistreated by her and my siblings that I could no longer be the one to care for her.
It’s not easy to acknowledge our own feelings if we are nurturing to others by nature. We do have a right to honor our feelings.
It took others to show me the way. We must be willing to listen to those who are trying to help us.
It took a commitment from me to work with a therapist.
It’s sad but it also took getting kicked in the gut by those who were supposed to be closest to me, one too many times.
Talk about finally waking up from FOG (fear, obligation and guilt), that will do it!
The good news is that time away from harmful situations has a way of putting things into their proper perspective.
The dust does settle.
We find peace again, even joy and laughter!
A good friend of mine always likes to say, “It all comes out in the wash.”
She kept telling me this until I believed her! She’s a great person and a wonderful friend to me.
When we are struggling with a bunch of crap, we do feel grimy and need to be refreshed.
You are taking the necessary steps to remove the toxins from your life.
So, I am going to pass along my friend’s words to you and anyone who needs to hear them, “It all comes out in the wash.”
Take care. Keep us posted. We care.
It sounds like your mother would not be happy no matter what you did. Could sit next to her bed 24/7, get her anything she wanted the very second she asked, and she'd still find fault with you. People like her very seldom realize how they are, and certainly don't care whose feelings they hurt. It's sad that people can get as far in life as she has, and still never recognize who she is or the pain she caused.
Seems to me you're grieving some losses. Loss of hope that your mother will love or treat you like she should have. It's hard to let that hope go for good. Loss of your mother as person-- even with how she is, it's still hard to see her slipping away. You've done the best you can with the limited options you have. Mother is getting care, and she can yell all she wants, but she IS getting care. You've done nothing wrong.
That simple. What is there to be sad about? She is being abusive. So it is time to set boundaries.
i must say, i blame our civilization/society, for being in such a scenario, where either choice can be difficult/creating huge suffering (staying at home can result in - too much - work for the caregiver...in addition, some elderly people don't just need help, they also abuse their kind caregivers at home) (staying in a facility can also be a nightmare for the elderly person, depending on the facility; some facilities truly are terrible).
there is something very wrong with the way our civilization/society has been set up, to leave us kind caregivers to choose between, sometimes, very difficult/both bad, options. i'm not saying the options are always bad. i'm saying sometimes, either option is bad.
i wish you and your mother strength, rkrensel.
you tried very hard to care for your mother at home for 6 months.
your brother did nothing - typical. unfortunately. also, very common, that the girl is the more caring one. (i'm not saying it's always like this).
i wish both you and your mother well.
indeed, i wish all us caregivers and our loved ones, well.
i'm a lawyer, by the way.
our laws are responsible for creating these impossible situations, where caring in a good way, for your loved ones, isn't easy.
our laws are not good at protecting the weaker.
we need a bit of robin hood here.
there are many alternative ways our civilization/society could operate.
i hope your mother is treated right, in the facility. i hope she's ok.
i hope you're ok.
big hugs!!!
wishing us all well,
bundle of joy
regarding abuse and narc mothers, someone here posted this and i totally agree:
“These women don't want 'solutions', they just want to complain and make US feel like Bad Daughters.”
i hope you’re doing ok rkrensel!!
stay away from abuse.
make yourself unavailable.
personally, i think the only solution is low/no contact.
bundle of joy
You have done the best you could on her behalf.
You're doing what trained professionals have recommended in providing for her care.
You are listening to her with YOUR “child ear” instead of your reasonable adult ear. YOU need to decide WHO IS LISTENING if/when you decide YOU want to call her.
You are trying to “explain” to someone who is no longer equipped, and possibly NEVER WAS EQUIPPED, to benefit from explanations. Stop.
It is sad that your relationship with her never was what you deserved to have. YOU must now mother yourself generously and compassionately. You can do this.
What she does or doesn’t do is something you cannot change, but YOU have made the BEST CHOICES YOU COULD FIND for both you and for yourself.
BE AT PEACE WITH WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.
Not that I think you have done anything you need forgiveness for - but YOU do, and right now you are what matters.
No elderly person is ever really looking to admit they are unable to care for themselves and need to leave their home and go to another residence to be taken care of. Some will admit it more readily, but far more fight the notion, and then expect their family members to carry that banner into battle with them, regardless of how it affects their LO's lives. And given the amount of conversations just on this website alone, many of us join in that battle only to find the odds overwhelmingly against us.
You however, have done the wise thing - you have LISTENED when her doctors have told you in no uncertain terms that mom's care exceeds what you can safely give her in a home setting, and acted accordingly! Bravo! It is a very brave thing, to stand up to a loved one, against their wishes, and tell them - for their own good as well as yours - that you are not able to do what they want you to do. There are a lot - A LOT - of people who wait entirely too long to make the decision you made and suffer needlessly for it - both care GIVER and care RECEIVER!
So temporarily block mom until you feel more emotionally ready to speak with her. Expect her to be angry for some time. It's ok if she's angry. But it's also ok for you to not cave into her demands.
Remember, you are still providing care for her - just not in your own home. There will still be things she will need done that you will do; you just won't have to be doing it 24/7.
Be at peace with your decision - it was the best one you could make!