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She likely has a good 10 years of life left and you tell us in your profile that you are 63.
You're my daughter's age, and your mom is about my age (82 this year).
It would absolutely SLAY me to think that she would sacrifice her own life on the burning funeral pyre when this is the most free she has ever been with her son raised and through college and out on his own. She and her hubby, 70, now can travel, enjoy their paid off home, do all the things they always longed to do. How horrible to think that she would sacrifice her own life for me when I have HAD MY LIFE.
I encourage you to have open discussions now with your husband about a future for the two of you. Yes, this will mean placement. You didn't cause this and you can't fix it, and this is going to get worse and worse until it kills you off. You will no longer be a daughter but a caregiver, and that is the one who bears the brunt of all our anger over our normal losses with aging.
We now live too long. I am convinced of that. We are taking our children down with us.
Sorry to be so blunt, but I encourage you to come to some of the tough decisions for your own life now. At least open the discussion and begin to think of options.
You have a duty of care for your mum, but you also have a duty of care to yourself. You can't do both in your home, so it's time to outsource one.
There will never be a perfect solution, so you have to choose the one that gives the best quality of life to you because you're the one who is completely aware.
Be an advocate for your mum (that can be exhausting enough), but don't risk your own health and wellbeing by being the hands on caregiver any more. Start looking at care facilities and choose the best affordable one (not affordable for you - you have your own old age to think about - affordable for your mum).
Best wishes for you and your mum.
Best of luck.
When I've had to be FT CG for my DH who has had several really severe health issues--I have not slept well. Each time, after a few weeks with him being demanding and a terrible patient, I would wind up with a days-long migraine--when all I needed was to SLEEP.
Your mom is wearing depends at night so you DON'T HAVE TO GET UP. You're essentially letting her ruin your sleep b/c, why? Is she upset about being in depends at this stage of the game? Or are you more bothered by it?
Not trying to be judgy, just hoping you can figure out a way to get your sleep and still give mom the care you want to give her.
I guess you could hire someone for those weird hours. A college student in nursing? She comes at about 11, takes care of mom and then takes care of her at 3 and goes home or wherever. It's going to cost a bit--being an overnight kind of thing--but I have heard of weirder CG schedules.
However, if mom has no problem using the depends, then let her sleep and hope for the best. Using a lot of pads on the bed and some extra ones in the depends might give you the coverage you need.
For me (and I think a LOT of other people)--when my LO becomes incontinent and they are not able to handle the diaper routine--that's the signal that an ALF must come into play.
I couldn't take it any longer. I eventually got her placed but it was through the government. We all know how long that process can take. To top it off, my father acted like a jerk the entire time including getting married and didn't bother about telling me. He was enjoying a new marriage while I'm left struggling with his disabled daughter.
It’s involuntary! Babies can’t control their bladder and neither can older people!
It took me several years to figure this out through trial and error - but it works for us:
-EgoSan pullup briefs (available on Amazon). They're pricier than Depends but you need to change them much less often plus they rarely leak (even with bowel incontinence). (Depends are useless IMO.)
-For extra protection we also add to his Egosan brief a Tena Overnight extra coverage pad every time we change him. (available on Amazon). This really helps!
-Washable large waterproof bed pads. Saves your mattress and bedding. (amazon).
Your loved one should be able to sleep comfortably through the entire night with this combination. Give it a try and get a good night's sleep. Your loved one's bedding will usually be 100% dry in the mornings, with a few minor exceptions.
Hopes this combo works for you.
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