By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
As to the AL, if THEY as trained professionals are “distressed” by her “offensive” comments, you may have to try another care site that is more down to earth about managing and dealing with the needs of crabby old ladies with hearing loss.
It may be helpful in having people accept her as she is if you have a behavioral/functional eval. done by a psychologist or psychiatrist trained in geriatric behavioral management. You may get some tips, but don’t expect any miracles. Dementia reduces the ability to recognize the need for limits and consequences for personal behavior, and KNOWING that she has such problems MAY help victims of her hostility let it pass them without as much hurt.
Bottom line- you have made a FAIR DECISION about what her living arrangements SHOULD be, and what they CAN’T BE. She deserves safe, humane care, but NO ONE needs to bend over backwards, nor to be insulted or maligned without an explanation that her rants are meaningless.
My present LO in care was waspish early on, but ultimately learned a sense of acceptance and appreciation of her caregivers (or maybe just learned to keep her mouth shut).
All you can do is your best. Short visits, ignore what you can, and plan something pleasant as a reward to yourself after you leave her.
Perhaps you can have a meeting with the ED of the AL to see what ideas s/he has to keep your mom living THERE for the future. What would mom have to do to stay? Then you can read mom the riot act and say listen, either play by their rules or I'll have to find you another ALF to live in that may not be as NICE as this one, your choice.
What else can you do? Making her a ward of the state would be the absolute LAST thing I'd do if it were me, along with taking her into my home. OUT of the question. So all you can do is shuffle her off to another ALF if she gets kicked out. It won't be 'her fault', of course, b/c women like this refuse to see the error of their OWN ways, God forbid.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
I think people can make their own choices but, they need to be accepting of those that choices are not in agreement with theirs. Acceptance goes boths ways, regardless of our own opinion on that.
I wouldn't bring up the queer or alternative choices family members and tell her that you don't want to hear anything about it. Tell her to love the sinner and hate the sin and pray for them and stop talking about them. Don't try to justify their choices and don't try to make her change her personal beliefs.
She is entitled to her beliefs, as we all are but, NONE of us are entitled to force our beliefs on others. That is where most of these issues lay, people demanding that others forgo their beliefs and accept whatever is forced on them. Not okay!
I wouldn't get involved with her care or housing, I guarantee she isn't the only senior that can't accept 2022 and what is being shoved in everyone's face. Before anyone attacks me, I don't want to see or know about anyone's sexual preference, keep it in the bedroom is my belief, I think it is a special connection that shouldn't be flaunted to the world, period.
By the way most of us have been alive when interracial marriage was illegal but a husband raping his wife was not. People who can't handle behaving like a decent human being by at least keeping their hateful bigotry to themselves deserve the isolation they end up in.
And she's not particularly nice to my DH.
Her ONE 'friend' died a couple of weeks ago. She has literally no one who really is included in her life.
I'd feel bad, but she did that to herself.
I can't even FATHOM what kind of 'patient' she'd be in a NH.
Your mother has chosen her path.
We can't change others.
While you might want to tell her gently that her attitude may get her removed from her AL which would/could result in a much less nice facility to finish her life in, it is unlikely to make a difference and would just mean you did cover all the bases.
Again, we cannot change others. We simply must move on with our own lives understanding that they DO indeed get a kind of satisfaction out of their actions, foreign as that may seem to someone who doesn't behave this way.
You might do a bit of training by making negative visits and phone calls very very short. Other than that, I hope others have a few clues for you going forward and I can only wish you good luck and the happy life your Mom has chosen to ignore.
You're not going to be able to "change" how she feels about gays or gluttony....throw a little dementia in there and you've got a really unpleasant conversation, because now she doesn't have a filter. Just divert the conversation every time she goes there.
Her filter is almost completely gone. The stuff she has said to me in the safe environment of her own home had blown my mind completely.
OK, she's 92 and still living the racist, bigoted attitudes of the 40's. She just has no ability to filter out what she THINKS before she says it.
She asked me one day if my dear friend D was 'still gay' and I replied, "it's not something to 'get over, mom, it's WHO HE IS'. She scoffed and said 'well he broke his mother's heart'. (No, he did not and was and is a stellar son! His mom accepted D's husband as her son and there were no issues.)
Mom's remark following this was "well, I am glad WE don't have any of that awful mess in our family'. NOBODY is going to tell mother than she has 2 grandsons who are gay and one Great grandson (our grandson).
Don't even get me started on racial stuff. She's gotten to the point that we don't take her anywhere. You never know what she's going to spout out.
I am sure and AL has encountered this and will continue to do so. If they can't, maybe a nice calming benzo to settle her down. IDK, I think AL's see the gamut of inappropriate behavior and are generally equipped to handle all and sundry things.
Drugs don't cure racism or innappropriate, nasty behaviors. Benzos and any other drugs are for agitation and anxiety.
It's not illegal to be a racist. It's not illegal to be an a**hole either. Many people are both and those people usually live very lonely lives because others avoid them like the plague.
See All Answers