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If she is "mean" to your husband all the time, I think that having her live with you is completely inappropriate. If this were HIS mom and you were subjected to nasty behavior, would you expect a change to be made?
You dont suggest a home for mom. You get a "needs asssessment" from the local Area Agency on Aging and find out what level of care she needs. You see what her financial resources are and you find the best place that she can afford. You apply for Medicaid for her if she needs that.
I'm sorry you and your husband are going through this. All the rationale in the world ("Her brain is broken, She doesn't know what she's saying, She wouldn't be doing this in her right mind") doesn't change the fact that feelings are hurt and the cumulative effect of nonstop insults can be devastating. Some people can let it roll off like water from a duck's back. I don't happen to be one of them!
My family and I placed Mom in Memory Care initially because she couldn't live by herself any more and she refused to live with either child. There's loads of information on this forum about moving a reluctant parent to an appropriate long-term living arrangement. One thing that really helped: Mom's doctor placed her on a miniscule (1/2 of the lowest dose of Seroquel) nightly. It accomplished 2 things: Mom sleeps better and it calmed her down significantly. It didn't "dope" her up or turn her into a zombie but made it possible to interact with her without the former nastiness and drama. Believe me, she is still quite feisty but better behaved. It was a lifesaver. You are facing a long road and this situation will get worse, not better. Best of luck to you and your husband!
you mention the behaviour worsening at Sun Down. Read up on Sundowning, it is a symptom of dementia and can go on for months if not years, until she loses another ability.
Either way, I hope you find some answers that may be helpful to you in your situation!
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