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* You do not argue ever.
* You tell her 'we're going out to lunch ... then take her to the MD. Period.
You learn to take control as she cannot.
If she is determined to be of sound mind, you let go.
You learn that you can do so much and you need to stop.
While it is a very sad reality, many elders decline due to a lack of self-care while still being considered legally of sound mind to make their own decisions.
The other scenario that often happens:
* She will have a fall and end up in the ER. Then, afterwards transferred to either rehab or a nursing home (or wherever).
* Call Adult Protective Services (APS) and ask them to make a house call to assess her / needs.
* Clearly, you do not ever 'ask her' to go xxx. You just take her ... it is for her own benefit and she won't understand that ... she will blame you ... you need to know / feel confident in knowing you are doing what you do for her well-being, even if she doesn't understand that.
She is cognitively impaired, scared, likely may not know what is happening to her (brain) ... give her compassion while taking control.
Of course she won't want to move, live in a facility ... with strangers. Who would at 87 years old (well, just a small percentage perhaps). She is doing what she can to maintain the independence she feels she has ... and wants. She will fight to the end for that. Transitions like these are VERY DIFFICULT and heartbreaking for everyone concerned. She will adjust and it may take a while.
You do what you can for her and then you let go.
First, be sure all the legal documentation is in order.
Gena / Touch Matters
Yes,something needs to be done now. Contact family and sit down with mom for a serious discussion. Truth hurts but it lets the loved one know you care.
If the elder has a POLST and written end of life instructions, there's a better chance of her wishes being respected. It's not 100%, unfortunately, but it does improve the odds. I definitely recommend having these documents, in addition to a POA and healthcare directive.
If you are lucky enough for her to need to go to the ER sometime soon, you can tell them she needs placed and cannot go back home. Otherwise a call to Adult Protective Services is my only suggestion. They can be stubborn as hell at this stage. It's upsetting for all involved.
old people seem adverse to going to doctors
or maybe say you’re going for your yearly check up so can book hers as well
? Good luck
She cannot throw things at caregivers. It sounds like she needs to be moved now.
If you go into her house and it doesn't seem in total disarray, and there isn't rotting food anywhere, and her mail is opened and her bills are paid then she mostly may have some personality disorder causing her temper tantrums.
If there are other signs of declining ADLs and you can't get her to agree to make decisions in her own best interests, you have some options:
- when you go there and she's acting beligerent call 911 and tell them she's agitated and combative and may have a UTI. Go to the ER with her and let the discharge people know she's an "unsafe discharge" resisting help and has no PoA and you won't do it. You cal then talk to a social worker to see if she can be discharged directly into AL or MC. I think first they may want to deal with her combativeness and may put her in the psych wing until she complies with meds.
- if you can't get her to the ER you report her to APS. Take video of the inside of her residence, video her having a meltdown, etc. so that you have proof. Eventually she will become the ward of a court-appointed guardian and they will take care of all her care and decisions and manage all her affairs.
I'm so sorry about this stressful situation. I wish you success in getting her the appropriate care and peace in your heart as to however it happens.
So other than trying the story line that her Medicare now requires her to go once a year for a physical(which some actually do), and then slip her doctor a note ahead of time explaining what is going on with your mom, so they can "test" her, you will have to wait for something bad to happen that lands her in the ER, and then you let the hospital know that she cannot return home as she is an "unsafe discharge" and they will then have to get her placed in the appropriate facility.
And guaranteed something bad will happen, it's just a matter of time.