Hello, I’m new to the forum and it’s been really interesting and comforting to read about other people's situations and advice! My mom, 85, has been living with me, my husband and 2 teenagers for the last six months. We’ve been taking care of her while she has a total hip replacement and regains her mobility. Mom normally lives about 8 hours drive away close to my older sister who was unable to take on the care during this operation.
Mom’s memory is getting worse, diagnosed as mild cognitive dysfunction at the moment. I’ve been trying to talk with mom about what’s next for her. We can’t keep her with us for much longer as it’s starting to affect my marriage and my relationship with the kids. I’m also an artist and getting to my studio to work has been really difficult while mom has been here. I’ve asked her if she wants to return to her home and if she thinks she could manage. She says yes but then says ‘but it’s so lonely there’. She has not made any friends or joined any groups or has any interests outside her direct family since dad died 26 years ago. Her support network at her home consists of my auntie and uncle down the street (they’re in their 70s and will pop in but can't offer much more than that) and my sister who is 62 and has been really good often helping mom with shopping, doctor's appointments and socially but who is finding it tougher and tougher as mom's needs increase and is unemployed herself, has very little personal support (no significant other or family of her own) and in her own words “is relying on drink to cope.” When I try to push mom further on what she wants and whether she can cope, she just says "I can’t think about that at the moment. I’m in too much pain." Her pain seems a lot better since the operation, which was about a month ago. Ideally for my and my family’s sake I’d like to get her back home in August (as long as she keeps progressing well mobility wise) but I’m really worried that it will end in her being unable to cope or my sister trying to live with her to care for her ( last year my sister tried living at mom's house for about 6 weeks and it ended with my sister drunkenly raging on the phone to me about my mom and the next day my mom was sobbing on the phone to me saying that my sister was going to abandon her - my sister said mom was hungover at this point but mom's not meant to drink much with her medication) I’m worried about both of them. I have 3 brothers, all living in different places, all offering various different levels of short periods of help mom but they don’t seem to want to take on anything but the easier less messy stuff and they’ve all fallen out with my sister as she can be really difficult and say hurtful things especially when she’s been drinking.
Anyway, how do I help my mom with her future if she won’t or can’t talk about it?
Let's start with saying that your sister is an alcoholic and is useless to help with mom's caregiving needs or decisions that have to be made for her.
Your mother refuses to discuss any long-term plans because her long-term plan is to live at your house with your family. By refusing any discussion on that not happening means the situation will stay as it is.
My mother pulls the same thing. The 'I can't think about that right now' and 'I'm in too much pain' because she will not discuss the reality that is going to be happening with her situation. I just told her straight. I'm back together with my ex-husband and we are buying a place. She will not be moving with us. This has caused her to double-down on her verbal abuse, passive/aggressive behavior towards me, and her "performances" to get attention. I have told my former (soon to be current) husband that I want it in writing that we will not have elderly family members (on either my side or his) who need caregiving living with us. He has seen the hell on earth my life has been these last few years living with and caregiving for my mother, and he agrees.
So if my mother will allow no arrangements for her care and needs to be met after I move out, then I let the chips fall where they may. I'm walking away. Let my sibling take the reigns of caregiving that have been around my neck like a noose for years.
You're in a bit more of a pickle than I am because your mother is with you. Offer her a plan. Find a senior community near you and tell her that you will help her sell her house and move her into a senior apartment. Also, that you will hire some companion care to take her out and help her run errands and keep her place up.
Let this be what you offer. Don't let her back out of the conversation because she starts working herself up into hysterics and semantics. Don't back out of the 'talk' because she turns on the tears and the poor, lonely, pathetic senior act.
I don't mean to come off as harsh, but I've been an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years. I've seen all the acts, semantics, tactics, and performances a senior will give to get their way or keep things as they are. Don't back down. Include your husband in the discussion too.
If your mother refuses what you offer, then name a date and by that date pack her up and being her back to her house. Then hope for the best because it will be out of your hands.
You make the decision where Mom is going. Hopefully she has the money for an Assisted Living. If she has a house it can be sold to pay for her care. You tell her since she can't decide you and Sis needed to make the decision for her. Your sorry, but she can't stay with you. And since she has said she would be lonely going back to her home, you thought an assisted living would be a good choice. She would have a room to herself with her things. She would eat in the dining room with other people. Have socialization and activities. This would be a nice solution for all.
She loves people and was horribly lonely at home even with in-home care which was exhorbitantly expensive, hence the move to AL. We tried one facility for a few months and weren't happy with their care. Then we found her current one which has been such a blessing. The staff there are overworked and underpaid but they LOVE helping the residents. They are so caring and kind to Mom, probably in part mirroring Mom's caring and kind nature. Mom can't remember names but she can tell when people care.
Just expect the transition to be very challenging for Mom. She will be confused and insecure for months but after some time (expect 3-6 months based on our experience) she will adapt. Such a move would be easier on her sooner rather than later, especially as her dementia progresses.
You have been very giving of your time and resources by taking care of her all these months. It is difficult to make such decisions but you are only one person and shouldn't take on more than you can handle. Your siblings seem to be successfully enforcing their boundaries. Don't feel guilty enforcing yours. Your husband and children need you, and for them there is no substitute.
May God bless you during this transition and decision making process.
Your alcoholic sister was doing a lot for your mother prior to that, with both of them living 8 hours away from you. Apparently your mother was also drinking. ? Your mother shouldn't go back to her previous living situation.
And then you have 3 brothers who don't do much at all other than the "easier less messy stuff."
Who is POA? HCPOA? What is her financial situation?
Your mother would probably like to continue living with you. Don't let her lack of a decision determine the future. You do NOT have to allow her to continue living with her.
So tell us more, and then we will have some ideas for you.
BTW, welcome to the forum!
Important that there now be a POA who can act. If Mom has only mild impairment diagnosis now she can understand and sign these form.
Important now to say that there are no GOOD ANSWERS to what is coming, but that it is COMING, and that there have to be the best answers you can find together.
I doubt seriously that three brothers, the living conditions, ability to help, willlingness is all unclear will end up anything but a whirling stew.
Be honest. No beating about the bushes. Time to truly honestly discuss what is coming next.
I always advise against taking a senior "temporarily into your home" as that leads to this sort of expectations ramble in which people try tomake it right, and try to be nice, but eventually always come down to the reality of having SOMEONE to make decisions of what will be done. That may, in this case, be the POA. You are going to need a single decision maker. When that person is in place then you make clear what you will do and what you will not.
Of course the sister who already broke once attempting this care is not a good option to attempt it again.
Start with family meeting without Mom. Then move to family meeting with Mom.
Start with POA. Then move to "options".
This won't happen in a day, but with honestly it will happen. Not without tears. Not with a perfect situation found. But it will happen.
You have already taken Mom into your home, which complicates the situation badly. It would have been better to care for Mom in her own environment so that it could be assessed, so that you could have given your departure date.
Did your Mom have rehab because she would have benefited a great deal from a full month?
What does your Mom's doc say about the pain level after surgery?
Are you the POA?
If not, that is step one, as it will soon be too late to do that.
Now is not the time to be soft, but rather the time to embrace the situation. The conversation starts here, you and hubby and anyone else involved.
It goes something like this.
"Mom, you have (here insert the hip surgery and the cognitive diagnosis.). We understand you wish not to speak about this. But here we all are and this is the situation and we HAVE TO SPEAK about it. We need to assess all your papers now and make certain everything's in order and that we know where things are. Then we have to assure you have a POA (me) to act for you when/if you cannot act for yourself. Then we need to find a safe place for you to live the remainder of your years, nearby to us so we can visit. We may need to discuss (list things such as assets, selling a home, etc.) for your living expenses. Staying here is not an option and you will no longer be safe alone miles from me".
Now if that works and discussion is still prohibited you are left with guardianship considerations. That would mean you need good diagnostic workups to prove Mom cannot make her own decisions anymore and you are the one to help her make them.
If all of that doesn't work you are left with transporting Mom home, telling her she or Auntie should call 911 for problems, and addressing ALL OF THE ABOVE with a social worker when inevitably she is hospitalized.
There honestly aren't a lot of other choices. However, because you already brought Mom into your home she has be led to believe she has FOUND the other choice. Which is living with you.
I am afraid you are going to have to be quite honest, quite tough in disabusing her of that notion, since--as you describe it to us--for you that isn't an option.
I wish you the best.
Not all of this will be handled in one day. But one thing at a time, it will be handled.