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About half of all married people will lose their spouse. We know that. We even acknowledge it in some versions of the wedding vows.
But knowing those truths does NOT make them easier to accept when we experience them. It is "normal" to lose a parent, and it is also "normal" to fall apart over that loss, and to grieve, and to have anxiety anticipating it. Christine, I am so glad that you have been able to remain close to your mother even through her dementia journey. As she is drawing away, for the part of the journey she must take alone, you are naturally experiencing "ambiguous grief." She is physically present, but in important ways, she is no longer with you. Your painful feelings are "normal" (not pathological) and you will heal.
I experienced ambiguous loss in my husband's 10-year journey with dementia. I understand how very painful it can be. Hugs to you, Christine.
I also recommend the book, On Being Mortal, by Atul Gawande.
That was me when I lost my husband way to early. Both my parents have passed. That was a first as well. Now im assisting in care for an elder hospice patient, close friend of the family, and now she is in transition.
I never thought i could do this kind of work, because of the emotional stress. But I know I'm in the right place. Patience and compassion.
You will be fine. There is more to come in life.
Have you read On Being Mortal, by Atul Gawande?
Think of Mom as a newborn and how important physical comfort is to a baby and try and give her that even if you can lie down in the bed beside her or lay your head on her pillow or gently stroke her hands or feet. Hugs and prayers for you and Mom.
My mother is in the last stages of vascular dementia; screaming, combative behavior doesn't want to be touched, vacillates between saying she wants to eat but not actually eating because she'll swat my arm as I try to feed her; keeps screaming she wants to go home...she doesn't like it here. I'm treating her for a UTI. I'm also treating her for the flu; sudden weather changes cause delirium. Oddly, she's not taking in a good amount of water like she always does and this is a first ever. I'm not forcing the water down her. Her doctor wants to order labs and I'm good with this but if she's too dehydrated then it can't be done. It would be torture to her. I've just come to the realization that this is further cognitive decline - and this could be it in the next few days, weeks. I've done all that I could and I won't wonder "What if I had?" I believe she's consciously making the choice to shut down her mind and body. She's just suffered way, way too much and hasn't been the same since my father expired years ago. She's been fully aware of her misery.
I've always believed she's been here for me. My life plan has been coming together.
We'll always miss our loved ones.
All of us have our "time" to go. Somer earlier, some later.
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