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She’d pester us at all hours, pounding on our bedroom door because she was mad about something. Or wanted something. 2am, 4am, 6am... she didn’t care. She felt entitled to my attention and services. Meanwhile, we had to be up for work (husband) and get the kids ready for school (me). My blood pressure soared, I stress ate lots of extra weight and was a nervous wreck. The tension in our home was unbearable.
Do not do it! You will lose your life!
No family member should volunteer to live with an uncooperative , controlling , verbally abusive person. Other family has already quit living with her .
Furthermore,
The queen bee mother will try to maintain parental control as she sees your husband as her child . She will not listen to him .
There are countless threads on this Forum where people made the mistake your husband wants to make and they are begging for ways to get their parent out of the house . Their mental and physical health suffers , as well as their marriages .
Tell your husband DON’T DO IT. It is difficult to get a parent out of your home when it becomes their legal residence .
Do not move and upend your life .
If your husband insists, go to a lawyer and ask about division of assets. If you secure your half, don’t let it be invested in the new house. Then you have at least an option for getting out, if you do get forced into the move.
Even going to the lawyer to ask about it, and then discussing it with DH, is a very very good way to show in practical terms how serious you are about objecting to this. If DH won’t listen, go ahead with the division of assets. You don’t have to leave him or divorce, just secure your financial future in case it really does go wrong. After all, half of the marriage and its funds, genuinely are yours.
Do we have this conversation now? The one about the real risk of caregivers (with known health issues OR healthy) suddenly passing away BEFORE their elderly parent.
The woman will most likely refuse a caregiver aide to come help at the home . She will expect her son and daughter in law to do it all . She also refuses doctors. This is all available at assisted living .
I had a MIL who chose to move to Fla from NJ. For years she hounded my husband first, to get a job and move down there. Then when he retired it was get a house near me and move down. He just ignored her. Then she got me on the phone and I told her I was not leaving my Mom, my girls and my grands. She said Mom can move down here. I said no, she has her Church and her friends, I was not moving her. My MILs response, "We all have to compromise". I had to hold my tongue but my thought was "Everyone but you".
if she’s abusive now it can only get worse
you will regret it
it’s pressure enough to look after an elderly person without complications if abusive behaviour
Why does your husband feel that it is his obligation to take care of her?
If he feels compelled to do this, (as many people do with their parents), why not let him go move in with her in her current home? You remain in your current home.
Make a plan to re-assess the situation and all the options in say, 6 months.
I guarantee you he will be ready to find an assisted living facility for her!
It's not even wise for him to attempt this, given his own health condition.
You can;
1) Do nothing, let her stay at home on her own, as long as she thinks she can live independently. When she fails, it will be time for her to move to assisted living or skilled nursing.
2) Hire (with her money) a part time home health aid, as you suggested. It will be nearly impossible to find "the right person".
3) Have her help to pick out an assisted living facility. You may not be able to convince her to make such a move, and unless she is declared mentally incompetent, and you have POA to make decisions for her, she doesn't have to.
If your husband feels that he "needs to be there for her", suggest moving her to an independent apartment nearby, or an assisted living near to you.
But, talk to him. Do Not Move her in with you!
Not to say it was a great arrangement, but we did it. It is possible. Hiker could visit for a weekend a few times a year if she chooses.