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Age in Place or Move.
Resist change or embrace it.
If the Husband can live independently on the island.. OK. (Well not really OK, possibly a poor decision, but he *could*).
However, if he needs a caregiver, he must;
1. Hire help to come to him - to enable him to stay at the island, or
2. Move to where other help can be provided.
This approach makes it all about HIM. (Which he is doing).
There is NO commandment or marriage vow that insists his Wife be his hands-on caregiver. Or that she live where he demands. The OP's health needs mean she will not be living on the island. So he must deal with that reality.
So he stays: at his peril, without his Wife.
Or goes: to live with his Wife.
Truth chat.
I would ask him what really matters to him? To be on that island? To die there?
Or have a nice outlook wherever he lands instead?
Then intervention.
Find a third party (a Doctor, a friend, a church/faith leader if appropriate) to spell this out to him again in clear basic blunt honesty.
If there seems no comprehension, no break of his denial to even start discussing.. it's time for more intervention.
To have him medically assessed. Is this selfishness? Or cognitive impairement? (Did I read Parkinson's? Red flag there). All these factors would shape my direction as to leaving him there or forcing his removal.
I can understand the *ideal* of wanting to spend out my days on a beautiful peaceful island. But if my plan burdened my spouse, I would need to rethink my plan. Make compromises & creative a new plan that suited us BOTH - or suffer the consequences of going solo.
It is one of the most beautiful places in Canada.
Lots of well heeled seniors live there, health care is available.
OP problem is husband wants to go to more remote part, living in Victoria or even Nanaimo would be easier.
My understanding is they still reside in USA.
However this diagnosis plays out, I'd issue your DH an ultimatum: we either move off of this God-forsaken island or I move off of it ALONE. I'm not going to die on this island b/c you love living here. Period. That is incredibly unreasonable of him to expect such a thing, or to sit idly by and watch his beloved wife suffer like this! UNACCEPTABLE.
Best of luck taking your OWN health into consideration now.
Thirty years ago that boat caught a wave and landed on his wife, breaking her hip, and she had to fly back to the U.S. sitting up and walking on board under her own power, or they wouldn't have let her fly. She was never able to walk properly again, and she was in her early 60s then.
Her husband never gave up on that stupid island, and he traveled there annually for 6-8 weeks at a time. His wife declined to participate after a few trips. I'm sure Bill would have been happy to live out his days on that sand spit, but his body gave out when he was at home, thank goodness.
You are not required to sacrifice your health and safety and acquiesce to your husband's whims. It's time for his come-to-Jesus moment where you MAKE the decision (not ask) to move to a stable, safe location and invite him to come along - or not. I have a feeling he'll choose you.
Being citizen of the country is different than resident, you can be citizen of many countries, but, technically resident of one, there are exceptions like he could be deemed resident.
Hope you start feeling yourself again. Happy Thanksgiving and keep us updated. We love updates.
My absence is due to three severe illnesses and three stays in hospital! One illness resulted in two ruptured eardrums and total hearing loss in left ear and forty percent in right ear. Currently fighting some sort of strep throat!
My husband is Canadian-American and has citizenship in both and is native Canadian. I understand why he wants to stay on the island but as one doctor here in the States said to me, “I am not sure what you have been doing for the last five years, but it’s killing you!”
Just recently started Rituxan infusions, eight hours at a time and have high hopes. Recovery from pneumonia in both lungs has been slow and difficult and now strep throat.
I know how lucky I am with our two sons and their families putting up with me and being so supportive but never meant to be gone for so long. Just yesterday, I received an email from the Meal Delivery Program I had arranged for him that he cancelled it because he does not need this!
We have had gentle talks and discussed options but are at a crossroads here. He refuses to even move into one of the nice cities: Courtenay or Comox or Nanaimo or even Victoria. Now that he is sixty-five, there are services that help with travel to doctors’ visits and prescriptions delivery and shopping. We pay for a nice lady to clean our house once a week
Hopefully soon I will be able to travel back to British Columbia and truly address these issues. He has always been strong willed and stubborn and his dream was to return home and never leave again. There isn’t any way we can support two houses, and the cost of living in the DC area and British Columbia means one household! Of course medical care is free in BC just being so far away means long waits and trips!
We all have noticed a sort of vague and scatter brained attitude recently but his failing heart and COPD cause that a lot.
Again, thank you all so much!
If so I understand your concern, we struggle here to find specialists and waiting list is 8 months or more.
Is husband Canadian and lived and worked in the US on a greencard? If he worked in the US does not matter if he is a US citizen or not, he can collect SS and Medicare.
"You will qualify for Medicare even if you are not a U.S. citizen if you qualify to receive or currently receive Social Security retirement benefits, Railroad Retirement Benefits (RRB), or Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI). In any of these cases, you will qualify for premium-free Part A. You will owe a premium for Part B."
I think its time for DH to realize that you and he need more help than is available on an island. Stress does not help your RA. Your son has seen you can't do this caring. Seems like you have some support with this son so need to be near him. I would see a lawyer to see what your options are.
And where are you living at the moment?
We all believe he may have had another embolism shower snd he is being watched by our GP. We have family and friends on the island but now it is getting really cold and I worry a lot.
Hope you are well!
BluegrassGirl (my grandchildren call me Jo after finding out my middle name is that snd the girls love Alcott’s series of novels
Now we come down to long term choices.
I would tell my husband you are staying where your son is. I would tell son that and I would work on some division of assets with an attorney if that is needed and make son my POA. You can decide if you want ALF or if you want Independent living facility, or a small apartment near your son.
Might I ask, if hubby is generally not well, who is caring for him now?
I sure wish you the best. I see no need to throw yourself and the remainder of your life on some sacrificial altar to your husband's poor decision making.
I sure wish you the best. Welcome to the Forum and hope you will stick around, ask and answer and join the group.
If you aren’t a US citizen you may not qualify for Medicaid if you ever need financial help paying for your care. Or Medicare health coverage.