My husband wants a divorce because I don’t want his mom to move in!

I suggest you and your family seek professional family counseling to work things out. Also, get a diagnose of dementia from your mother-laws doctor. You could get in home care for her.

I would suggest a compromise with your husband. If you can add to your home an in-law. Where she has dementia a kitchen is not a good idea. A bedroom, sitting room and bathroom on one level would be ideal. Then talk to her doctor and have them recommend caregivers who can come into the house. They can help with all her personal needs. They can do her laundry, meal preparations, companionships. They can take her out for a ride, shopping, doctors app. If she is released from the hospital to your home, her health insurance should pay to have a service come in. If she is an active person and social look Into day programs for people with dementia. You would drop her off at 9:00am and pick he up at 3:00. It is very hard to have elder parents move into your home. Your husband threatening you with a divorce is crazy. He needs to open his eyes before and understand the responsibility and commitment to caring for someone with dementia. Have him take two weeks off from work. Leave him with the kids and here. He will figure things out very quickly. Good luck.

Well I would talk to a lawyer as a free legal consult. Lets see make sure you have been married 10 years and 6 months, I believe that is to secure social security income should he die. Now child support, not sure how his bookkeeping records so at least 3 of the children you should be able to collect child support for. My point is that it is cheaper for him to keep you, however you weigh your options just for the sake of a wholesome standing ground. Now to maintain being civil, I always called my "ex" Mr. (SSN). For some reason when a man hears his social security number come out the mouth of the mother of his children, you just seem to get a little better attention from him. This may not have dealt with his mother and you are right, when a man uses the "divorce" word and you say stays out til 8-9 P.M. give that reason to "pause". Best of Luck.

You are not a bad person, and do not think this! This situation is your husband and his family to deal with, not you. He should support you in this decision not to have her live with you, they need to take charge and find other another answer to this. To say he wants a divorce, he is trying to force you into doing this! How terrible to do this to you and his children. You know what your limits are having someone with dementia living with you, he is trying to put all this responsibility on you, so he does not have to deal with his mother..just awful.

He is asking more of you than he is willing to take on himself. Your life is full of responsibilities.

NO, you are NOT a terrible person. You are being honest and your DH is being an A-hole, pardon my french.

Your 'loving' DH is using scare tactics on you - not the first husband to do this and won't be the last. If you allow him to manipulate you now, you will never be yourself again.

I AM sorry it might come to a divorce - but hang in there and keep praying for your own sanity. Maybe he's just bluffing - but just in case, start getting all your ducks in a row. Start with asking friends about getting a divorce lawyer - recommendations are a true blessing.

Hugs to you.

P.S. this happens a lot - DH's expect the wife to take care of his mother/father and you would be wrong all the time, on all fronts. Being alone with your children might be a blessing in disguise.

Your first and foremost responsibility is to your children. Your children need your attention and guidance. You will not be able to provide that attention being a caregiver to your MIL. It's a full time job. It's managing another person's physical and emotional needs. I went through caregiving for my mom. It was the hardest 13years of my life. It's a very difficult job. Please for the sake of your children don't take on this responsibility. Your going to stretch yourself thin. Your children need you more than you realize. Your plate is full already. MIL belongs in a facility where she will get the care she needs.

Make a plan to put MIL in an adult care facility or senior apartment with help. NOT your problem. When your husband gets a reality check from a divorce attorney, he will reverse his thought...or split 50/50 of everything...and, oh, shared raising of all those kids...you don't need everything in your lap. Good luck to you.

Hey Traci,

Wow! Just wow!

You received some excellent support & replies here. Please give them serious consideration. Although in the past I’ve not been one to rush to divorce as a solution; in this case I wouldn’t think of it as running, I’d think of it as escaping before, as someone said, you lose yourself. And you will. If you have not been a care provider for an elderly person for an extended period of time in the past you have no idea what it truly entails. None! And to care for a person with dementia? Forget it. You won’t know what hit you.

One if the most important suggestions you received here was to start socking away money. No matter how much you put away it won’t be enough for you & your children so start doing it. Now.

I am sincerely sorry you’re going through this. I really am. You absolutely must know that if you give in to this it will not get better. That’s impossible. You will live every single day with regret and bitterness. You can’t want that for yourself or your kids.

Please take care of yourself and do come back to keep us posted or if you need another shot in the arm of encouragement!

Lynn

As you can see we can't express this any better. DON'T DO IT. Seriously I used to be a happy go lucky person.. I feel being forced into care giving for my MIL was life sucking. I no longer enjoy life as much and am tired all the time with a 21 and 26 year old, husband and her 2 sons 5 states away. I get no help they all are not around so... You will just have to take care of less people. But take care of yourself is more important first. Believe us...I wish I knew what I knew now..do your homework (elder attorney). Good luck and you can love your husband from afar.

I would continue to stand my ground.

I doubt your husband would go thru with a Divorce because of it and if he does, you don't need a man like that to choose his mom over his family.

I would tell him and his mom, that she has three choices,
#1 She can go back to her husband.
#2. She can go live with her other son, even tho you said they are Hoarders and didn't take her to the Dr.
#3. She can go live at a Senior Place.

Explain to the Hospital While she is in the Hospital that you can not care for her and she can not be discharged until she has a place to go.

Tell them you want them to inform Social Services that your Mother in Law does not have a place to go once she is discharged from the Hospital and stay firm let them know you have already tried and it is too much for you and you can not take on the responsibility of her because you have 4 Children.

Tell them again, that they must find a place for her to go to before they discharge her because she does not have anywhere to go.
Make sure your firm about not taking her home.

Social Services can check with her Insurance and Social Security and have her placed in a home that can handle dementia.

Speaking as a person who is currently in the middle of a divorce, if your husband has threatened divorce, as mine did, take it seriously. First, you have children to consider. You mentioned there is “drama.” Are there other issues besides your MIL? While your MIL may need care, your children should be your priority. It’s your husband’s responsibility to see to the needs of his parents. (If this involves a serious hoarding situation, adult services may need to be contacted. Is his FIL in good health? Is he able to care for himself? The care and well-being of your in-laws may go a bit deeper than just moving your MIL from Tulsa to Dallas.)

I would bet that your husband’s expectation is for you to provide care for his mother and his children, while he uses his responsibility toward your business as an excuse to remove himself from his family duties. Should anything go wrong or get off-track in your home, the blame will likely fall on you. You should not be given an ultimatum of this nature. Your husband shouldn’t place this stress on you or your children. Your husband should seek your support, not demand that you carry his burden.

Divorce is never an easy path, especially with children. I never thought I’d be going through it myself, but I took my husband’s threat seriously, and I’m glad I did. Find an attorney who specializes in child custody and small business ownership. (I, too, live in Texas, and own a business with my husband. This has complicated our divorce.) Most attorneys offer a free consultation—use this to your advantage as you select an attorney. Ask for guidance in preparing to file. There’s a “right” way to prepare your finances for a divorce.

I am sorry for your situation, and I hope you find the answers and peace you are seeking.

It sounds like you've done all you can. What's important here are your children. You're life with your family shouldn't change because your husband and his family won't take responsibility for their mother. Their mother is their responsibility. Not yours. You've been supportive. Why won't they put her in a home? Sorry, but my sanity means more to me than taking care of my husband's ill mom full time.
If your husband wants a divorce because you won't watch his mother, let him get one!
Good luck to you. Pray that God leads you in the right direction.

Hello, I have been caregiver to My husband for four years with no respite. Don’t let anyone push you into this commitment, it ruins your life. I have had no help from his family. Save yourself, there is no shame in putting your health and well being first. My husband is now in a facility, I am so thankful the VA pays for it. His care took a lot from me and he is in last stage Parkinson's and can’t walk or transfer to a wheelchair. Bless you and hold your ground, that is not your mother, let your husband know he has to take care of her 24/7. She sounds like she belongs in a facility.
Just take a deep breath and get your life back!
If your husband wants a divorce then he is no longer the man you married!

Stand your ground. Find an excellent divorce lawyer who understands how to navigate the division of a shared business so you're ownership is protected. Make sure that any monies from the business cannot be directed toward your MIL's care at any time. That money should come from your husband's salary. Make sure you have enough money to care for your children, for adequate housing, expenses, etc.

Get all your ducks in a row. And then have a frank discussion with your husband about whether or not he really means it when he says he'll divorce you if you won't let your MIL move in. If the answer is "yes," then you can let him know you've already initiated the process and present him with your papers.

You will lose yourself in this if you take your MIL in. Yes, there may be some guilt, but that will be nothing compared to the anger and burden you will feel as you are forced to care for your MIL while you and your children suffer.

If he thinks he works long hours now, wait till he’s a caregiver.

I feel threatening divorce is a form of spouse abuse, and I would not want to stay married to someone abusive. Make certain you get a very generous child support order, to include health and dental insurances, get the house, and everything you can get out of him. Even the business if you can.

You are a realist, and he's clueless. Caring for someone who wanders requires 24/7 care. Someone has to stop working because once they are under your roof, the confused person becomes the household's responsibility. To inadequately provide supervision can become elder abuse. Elder abuse is also a criminal offense. If you cannot play the role of caregiver, DO NOT DO IT. Trust me she will get far, far worse. What you are going through now are the "good old days." Try changing her diapers and inducing bowel movements, and cleaning up her private parts because stool got in there--which in itself predisposes them to frequent urinary tract infections (UTIs). UTIs will make them very loopy and ultra confused; some even get aggressive. So frequent emergency room visits. Even if you go the hospice route, they don't help you other than give you supplies. Over 99% of the care will still fall on the family. You have to keep the skin really clean because their tissues get very delicate and you can get bed sores, which requires daily aggressive treatment. Try changing a dressing daily or even more if they stool on it, for MONTHS until it heals...then another one forms. Been there, done that. But when mom finally died years later, and 15 years of struggle with Alzheimer's, mum's skin was in great condition without a single sore. Unable to respond to the environment, I had to do range of motion exercises a few times a day--everyday--to prevent contracted (permanently locked) arms and legs. She was actually healhty with her feeding tube (eventually she needed one or die of dehydration), but it was liver cancer and liver failure that killed her--from onset of symptoms to death took a few days. And I did all the care by myself...24/7 for YEARS and YEARS. When she died I was left with having to get a job and rediscover myself..which was in itself quite traumatic since my life was 100% centered around mom.

@Tracij29
Think about flight attendant safety instructions. Put YOUR mask on first, THEN your child's!

You MUST save YOURSELF first, in order to save your children! IF, after saving them, you have more energy, then you can TRY to save your spouse from his irrational ideas, because they will quickly destroy him too.

Your ONLY obligation is to care for YOURSELF so you are ABLE to care for and RAISE YOUR CHILDREN to be HEALTHY, productive members of society.

If MIL moves in, it WILL harm you, it WILL harm your children, it WILL harm your marriage, and in the end, it WILL harm your MIL too. Her condition will only worsen, and even going in to that situation, you'd already be in an overwhelming, unmanageable situation.

You will NOT help ANYONE by destroying your own family life. In the end, EVERYBODY WILL lose.

The hospital has resources to help determine the possible options for the APPROPRIATE next steps for your MIL's care... and it's NOT YOU!

Please update us all here, we want to help you through this.

As a male I can say if your husband is claiming this is grounds for divorce... he's already been thinking about it or he's simply a spoiled little man child and thinks holding his breath will get him his way...
If he wants out make sure he leaves and you stay in the home.
Talk to an attorney asap and the next time hubby has a threat let him know you've spoken to one he'll either storm out or cut the crap...
Anytime either partner throws the term divorce around it's time to reevaluate your relationship.

Maybe I missed something but who is going to look after his mom if he divorces you? Call his bluff and stick to your guns

Not sure why this isn't also your father in law's problem? Sounds like the dementia may have been the cause for her leaving him or have there always been problems in their marriage? As her husband he should be stepping up here unless there are other issues. Your husband is being a big dramatic jerk. Marriage counseling should help. Or he can divorce you and take his mother with him (eyes rolling)! He is just blowing hot air and trying to avoid doing the heavy lifting of coming to a real solution. Everyone needs to discuss this calmly in a safe environment with a counselor.

Hold your ground!! Stay strong. Enough said.

Yes, marriage counseling. Hubs is going to have to step up and talk about it. You are not a terrible person. It appears to me that you are trying to handle so many things at once. You are allowed to and you should set boundaries here. Turn the tables here: You might not be here to help him take care of here if he can't even go to counseling to come up with a workable plan. I will pray for you.

No, Not Terrible Here, Dear, I Fear...This is not going to End Well if she comes back with you. Your Life, Now Strife, Will be More of a Living Hell, I Can Tell, Talk Turkey to your Tom and Tell him to start the paper Work, He is bring a Major Jerk.

First, you're not a terrible person. But then, neither is your husband.

I don't know either your brother or your brother-in-law, but I wouldn't be surprised if they are completely out of their comfort zone and competence to know how to begin to care for their mother. That your husband works until 8-9pm at night suggests to me that he is much more likely in his element when he is working and doing what needs to be done to keep the business going. I also wouldn't be surprised, if like most men, he isn't necessarily emotionally self-aware enough to be able to articulate how he feels or that he doesn't know what the hell to do in this situation. So he fundamentally defaults to leaning on you for help with his mom.

Men have a hard time admitting they cannot do something. It's shame. And the last person they want to confess that to is you lest they lose your respect and admiration. Unless they have a relationship with you in which you both can share your shame. It would seem, from what you've explained, that your relationships isn't quite at that level. Ultimately, he's afraid he'd lose you, but... you know the game: it's better to reject first than to be rejected.

As you've mentioned, you interpret his refusing to take care of his mom as him as refusing to accept responsibility. Yes and no. It's more complicated than that. Yes, he is running scared, so yes, he is refusing responsibility. But no, he is responsibly asking you for help. The fact is, he REALLY doesn't know what else to do. You're a mother; he probably knows you to be more nurturing and caring than he is. So he assumes YOU are more capable than he. That's hard for any man to admit... that he's weak, incompetent, unable.

So what we have here is a case of where the communication we receive may not be the real message being communicated.

Going to the extreme of expressing a divorce can mean many things. I can only speculate. But it could suggest a very loud cry for help - "I need you. I need you to help me. I need you but I don't know how to ask. I don't know where to begin. Can't you read me?? Hell, if you seriously are not willing to help me, then why did you marry me? I'm depending on you to give me face. Save me from my own shame." Yes it's an extreme, but as you know yourself, when you're stressed and at peak anxiety, it's fight or flight... and right now, he is in flee mode.

Divorce is one possible avenue. It's the seemingly "easy" answer, certainly. But it introduces a whole lot of other set of issues... just DIFFERENT problems than you have now.

There are many avenues possible. However, you two cannot think through them when you're both in a heightened emotional state. There's a breakdown of communication here.

I would recommend a professional counselor/coach to help you two communicate better and get yourselves to a place where you can discuss this rationally and in a EMOTIONALLY SAFE place for both. Affirm your love for each other and communicate from there. LISTEN, I mean really listen, from a quieted and centered place. Don't jump to making each other wrong. The fact is, you probably want the same thing.

No you are not a terrible person!!! Sounds like an excuse for your husband. It is too stressful in an already busy family to handle and your mil would not want to do that to anyone that she loves. She would be better taken care of in a care home. I think you and your husband need to get help with counseling. To manipulate you this way is wrong.

You are absolutely NOT a terrible person! Instead, I would say you are acting rationally & wisely! I took care of my mom in my home for nearly 6 months with dementia & the constant level of care was more than I could emotionally & mentally handle. I had a mini nervous breakdown. I now recommend that unless you have at least 3 people who love your mother in law & can alternate the constant care & needs she has (which will intensify) that instead you do a lot of research & find a home that is set up for this around the clock care! If she doesn’t have a large amount of SS to cover the expenses you can get her on medicade as well! This type of care is just too much for one person who doesn’t have children to care for. Free yourself from the guilt & shame on your husband for not putting you & his children as a priority! Of course his mother counts that is why you do the research & find a great care facility. I would suggest putting a camera in her room to video her care as well! I pray this helps!!!

First of all, this perspective comes from a man. And as last son...I can tell you it sucks when care-giving for elderly parents cuts into your own relationship time. Care-giving for elderly parents becoming so time-consuming the you risk divorce is a no-man's land...do you:
1) give up on caregiving all together and move on with your spouse, ignoring the guilt and possibly making enemies with your family
OR
2) Do you keep up the caregiving only to wind up sacrificing your relationship to care for your demented parent. Your family will love you...but u will remain a lonely bachelor.

What you guys need is a marriage counseller....I'd like to think your husband doesn't really want a divorce....he is probably just overwhelmed and umable to express his frustration properly....as men when we get overwhelmed our emotional intelligence drops even lower (and we aregenerally bad at communicating already).

Try to imagine his position, in the short space of time he ceded care of MIL, to his brother, MIL had a stroke. Your husband is probably kicking himself thinking this wouldnt have happened if she was in the house with you guys. And your response made him feel even more alienated/atracked as he tries to think of solutions for his MIL...so he responded the only way he knew how...with a counterattack.

No man likes the idea of an elderly mom encroaching on his personal time. Do you think we find it fun when xxx with the wife is interrupted by a call from mom ?

But all this proves is that it is too much for ANY of you and MIL needs to be in a home, or living with a permanent caretaker.

I was put in a similar situation. My husband's threats are usually not backed up by anything but him trying to throw his weight to get his way.
So after reluctantly taking in his mom and all of the crazy crap that she did he is now impetent and has a whole lot of issues just the same as me. That was only after two years of taking care of her.
Take that to your husband.

In another post, I shared from my experience that when the decline begins... it never, NEVER gets better. It always gets worse. My mom is 90 now and in an Assisted Living Facility. It was the best thing I ever did for her, her safety and our relationship.

If your husband and his family won't have you to dump their responsibilities (to their mother) on, they will come to this conclusion as well.

As far as your husband, get that divorce, not because he wants it but because he is not pulling his weight with your reasonable needs. You keep the family home and he pays the mortgage, expenses and child support. This way you can fous your well-being on raising your children who deserve your attention and time.