My husband wants a divorce because I don’t want his mom to move in!

Your first and foremost responsibility is to your children. Your children need your attention and guidance. You will not be able to provide that attention being a caregiver to your MIL. It's a full time job. It's managing another person's physical and emotional needs. I went through caregiving for my mom. It was the hardest 13years of my life. It's a very difficult job. Please for the sake of your children don't take on this responsibility. Your going to stretch yourself thin. Your children need you more than you realize. Your plate is full already. MIL belongs in a facility where she will get the care she needs.

NO, you are NOT a terrible person. You are being honest and your DH is being an A-hole, pardon my french.

Your 'loving' DH is using scare tactics on you - not the first husband to do this and won't be the last. If you allow him to manipulate you now, you will never be yourself again.

I AM sorry it might come to a divorce - but hang in there and keep praying for your own sanity. Maybe he's just bluffing - but just in case, start getting all your ducks in a row. Start with asking friends about getting a divorce lawyer - recommendations are a true blessing.

Hugs to you.

P.S. this happens a lot - DH's expect the wife to take care of his mother/father and you would be wrong all the time, on all fronts. Being alone with your children might be a blessing in disguise.

He is asking more of you than he is willing to take on himself. Your life is full of responsibilities.

You are not a bad person, and do not think this! This situation is your husband and his family to deal with, not you. He should support you in this decision not to have her live with you, they need to take charge and find other another answer to this. To say he wants a divorce, he is trying to force you into doing this! How terrible to do this to you and his children. You know what your limits are having someone with dementia living with you, he is trying to put all this responsibility on you, so he does not have to deal with his mother..just awful.

Well I would talk to a lawyer as a free legal consult. Lets see make sure you have been married 10 years and 6 months, I believe that is to secure social security income should he die. Now child support, not sure how his bookkeeping records so at least 3 of the children you should be able to collect child support for. My point is that it is cheaper for him to keep you, however you weigh your options just for the sake of a wholesome standing ground. Now to maintain being civil, I always called my "ex" Mr. (SSN). For some reason when a man hears his social security number come out the mouth of the mother of his children, you just seem to get a little better attention from him. This may not have dealt with his mother and you are right, when a man uses the "divorce" word and you say stays out til 8-9 P.M. give that reason to "pause". Best of Luck.

I would suggest a compromise with your husband. If you can add to your home an in-law. Where she has dementia a kitchen is not a good idea. A bedroom, sitting room and bathroom on one level would be ideal. Then talk to her doctor and have them recommend caregivers who can come into the house. They can help with all her personal needs. They can do her laundry, meal preparations, companionships. They can take her out for a ride, shopping, doctors app. If she is released from the hospital to your home, her health insurance should pay to have a service come in. If she is an active person and social look Into day programs for people with dementia. You would drop her off at 9:00am and pick he up at 3:00. It is very hard to have elder parents move into your home. Your husband threatening you with a divorce is crazy. He needs to open his eyes before and understand the responsibility and commitment to caring for someone with dementia. Have him take two weeks off from work. Leave him with the kids and here. He will figure things out very quickly. Good luck.

I suggest you and your family seek professional family counseling to work things out. Also, get a diagnose of dementia from your mother-laws doctor. You could get in home care for her.

First of all someone needs to get her health care under control. The brothers should get her into assisted living, even if they have to help with costs, it's cheaper than child support. There's no reason for a family man to ignore not only the needs of his family but the needs of his mother. Her dementia will get worse and everyone will shoulder the blame of neglect.

I just want to say you've gotten great advice here, much of it from people who have been in your situation. Listen to them! "Stand your ground," and just keep saying no (or, to gain time, say "Later") as has been said, and get thee to a divorce attorney. Do not leave your home. Sock away all the $$$ you can. Check your bank accounts asap. I too would wonder if he's already wanting out of the marriage for another reason. Good luck with this selfish SOB.

All good advice here. I am wondering where mil's husband is. Why aren't they taking her back there. It seems she probably will need a care facility. So what is dad going to do about it. Or is he just as irresponsible as his sons?

Dear Traci,
you are not terrible person (for what you said), just suddenly found yourself in "not comfortable zone". It's temporary and get used to, sorry. It looks like you are like "my way or high way". What happened with compassion, love, sensitivity and of course care for others. This is your husband's Mom and you said she is in ICU, poor lady. At this moment she should be the most important person in your family. I think your husband is just scared and doesn't know how to solve this problem. What he said , he didn't mean, he just feel pain of this situation and he said painful words. He is looking for help as well, and turned in to you who he loves. It looks like he is good husband, father and son. You said you have a business (busy), gets home 8-9 pm (tired), 4 children (long marriage) and he still cares about his mother. That should be a roll model for every child, especially now in "me-me" generation. Your husband doesn't want to see his Mom left and die alone. He would feel gilt all his life and that is terrible thing. He prefers to have her under his wing and deal with it. I'm sure is harder for you, it's uncomfortable, it's irritable, tiring and etc. But it's your, I mean your and your husband's burden. It's your family. I'm sure you would like to be cared of when you reach such age when you can't take care of yourself, hopefully it will not be painful. Helping out your husband w/his Mom it would be good lesson for your children, how to take care of each other, you just don't leave them somewhere else. Just do "the right thing" and not just "stand my ground", one day you all be proud of yourself. Most likely, this is your first "unpleasant" big thing in your life, but when we age "bad things" are coming from left and right. So, maybe it's your first "test". Since you said (you family) you have business maybe you can afford a "baby sitter" for you MIL just for few hours or something like that. Your children could help you spending time with grandma, especially 18 y.o. I'm sure you have your hand full and you need some time off, no doubt. Maybe his family can chip in financially or giving you break once in a while. Life is not only about fun there are and sad,difficult things that you have to deal with. I have a feeling that if you would be in "bad situation" (God forbid, don't take it personally) your husband would not leave you alone, he would take care of you. Just I'm not sure about you, sorry. I don't want to hurt your feeling just trying to show different prospective. You have nice family, good marriage and please cherish it, don't try to brake it, walk tru the hard times together with your husband, you and all your family are his support. Isn't that what we promise to each when we get married?
All the best to you and your family.

Dear Traci,
you are not terrible person (you said), just suddenly found yourself in "discomfort zone". It's temporary and get used to, sorry. It looks like you are like "my way or high way". What happened with compassion, love, sensitivity and of course care for others. This is your husband's Mom and you said she is in ICU, poor lady. At this moment she should be the most important person in your family. I think your husband is just scared and doesn't know how to solve this problem. What he said , he didn't mean, he just feel pain of this situation and he said painful words. He is looking for help as well, and turned in to you who he loves. It looks like he is good husband, father and son. You said you have a business (busy), gets home 8-9 pm (tired), 4 children (long marriage) and he still cares about his mother. That should be a roll model for every child, especially now in "me-me" generation. Your husband doesn't want to see his Mom left and die alone. He would feel gilt all his life and that is terrible thing. He prefers to have her under his wing and deal with it. I'm sure is harder for you, it's uncomfortable, it's irritable, tiring and etc. But it's your, I mean your and your husband's burden. It's your family. I'm sure you would like to be cared of when you reach such age when you can't take care of yourself, hopefully it will not be painful. Helping out your husband w/his Mom it would be good lesson for your children, how to take care of each other, you just don't leave them somewhere else. Just do "the right thing" and not just "stand my ground", one day you all be proud of yourself. Most likely, this is your first "unpleasant" big thing in your life, but when we age "bad things" are coming from left and right. So, maybe it's your first "test". Since you said (you family) you have business maybe you can afford a "baby sitter" for you MIL just for few hours or something like that. Your children could help you spending time with grandma, especially 18 y.o. I'm sure you have your hand full and you need some time off, no doubt. Maybe his family can chip in financially or giving you break once in a while. Life is not only about fun there are and sad,difficult things that you have to deal with. I have a feeling that if you would be in "bad situation" (God forbid, don't take it personally) your husband would not leave you alone, he would take care of you. Just I'm not sure about you, sorry. I don't want to hurt your feeling just trying to show different prospective. You have nice family, good marriage and please cherish it, don't try to brake it, walk tru the hard times together with your husband, you and all your family are his support. Isn't that what we promise to each when we get married?
All the best to you and your family.

You’re not a terrible person. My advice is stick to your position, follow your instincts, and do NOT let her be discharged to your house—this is simply too much for you to take on; you must put your children and self first! (So many women are put in these impossible positions.) There is help available outside of your home, and if you have any spare time, seek out a good marriage therapist to deal with your guilt and your relationship with your husband.

No, you are NOT a terrible person. You are being taken advantage of by others. Stand your ground, no matter what. Your husband is trying to manipulate you to "get his way." Don't cave it.

Protect yourself, make copies of last two years tax returns, all bank accounts and brokerage statements.   Leave with a friend or relative.   I would not be so certain DH is actually working every night.

Be the first to file for divorce.

"Both my husband and brother in law refuse to accept responsibility for their mother and think that either myself or their aunt will just take care of..."

^^ There in lies the whole problem^^ ....these guys need to take care of their mother and her medical needs. It's not up to YOU, or their aunt to shoulder this responsibility at all, let alone do it without their help. Everyone is busy in this world with trying to survive. For your husband to think that you have more time on your hands to deal with his mother's issues is beyond ridiculous. DO stand your ground, and call his bluff, too, if you must. He wants a divorce? Does he realize that could mean losing his kids if you play your cards right? Does he realize that will only add to his burden by causing him to have to pay child support instead of just taking on the added responsibility of caring for HIS MOM? Yes. She's your family too, essentially. But he needs to man up and put up. So does his brother. AND the aunt. This is a whole family issue...not something that should fall in one person's lap. Don't do it without knowing that you have a full-system support system. I took care of my own mother for 5 years in my own home and wouldn't change much if I could go back knowing what I learned after the fact, but still....it almost ruined me. I ended up very sick, had a stroke, and developed anxieties. But that was different; she was MY mom.

Go to your local agencies. In my area it's called the ADRC aka; Aging and Disabilities Resource Center. Usually places like this are set up within the courthouse of your town. Ask around, and find the support system you need, and keep asking questions until you have everyone gathered together into the support your MIL will need for the rest of her life. You can do this much without literally taking her in, and just as a person who cares. NOT because your husband painted you into a corner. Give him the information you find to help him get her set up in a facility, then wash your hands of the whole thing. But do not take on the responsibility of taking her into your home and being her caregiver, on top of everything else it sounds like you have to deal with.

If she is currently in the ICU, things may work themselves out on their own without it ever coming to whether or not to move her in. Still, how you navigate the road from here to the end, however it happens, will leave an impression on your relationship with your husband.

I see primarily two options presented here by most people: either stand your ground your husband be damned, or give in and yourself be damned. I think there is a third approach to consider. I don’t know what your marriage is like apart from this particular challenge, but if you value it and your husband, my advice is to be honest about your inability to provide futher care in your home, but be kind in your approach to conveying it.

Your previous willingness to have her in your home shows that you are not coming from a place of malice. Like many of us, you are probably coming from a place of being overwhelmed. When we feel overwhelmed, we tend to push things away maybe more forcefully than is required. This seems to be how your husband is reacting by threatening divorce. These are not particularly helpful ways to work as partners in a relationship when facing difficult circumstances.

You both need to cool things down, and work through this with all of the love in your hearts that you can bring to this challenge. That doesn’t mean you have to give in to something you don’t feel equipped to handle. But, there is a kinder way to do this that will result in a stronger marriage going forward, and a less kind way that will result in a weaker marriage going forward. I encourage you both to try to find the kinder way. If you need help figuring out how to do that, a family therapist can be a great support and helper.

I have my own health problems, and am unable to provide care for my husband’s mother who has dementia. My approach has been to let my husband know how much I love his mother and want to be there to care for her, but I just can’t because of my own limitations.

We all have our limitations, and you have to be honest about what yours are. Your husband has limitations too, which is why he probably feels his own guilt that is causing him to put so much pressure on you. Listen to how he is feeling, and have compassion for the very difficult experience he is going through. Kindness, compassion, honesty, and understanding are what will help you both navigate through this challenge as partners and with love. I wish you, and him, and all parties involved, the wisdom to recognize this approach as what is most healthy and caring for everyone.

May you be well!

You are a very wise woman- follow your gut instinct! My husband and I sold our home and moved from CA to AZ to live with and care for his parents for three miserable horrible years. MIL was a cruel malignant narcissist with Dementia and FIL was her puppet on a string with serious OCD! They were thankless, demanding, crazy, rude and treated me like I was their personal invisible slave. I became severely depressed and now suffer from C-PTSD from the psychological abuse.
You have four children (who need to come first), a questionable husband and a business!! Your husband is WAY out of line to threaten divorce over you not wanting his mom to move in!!!
The way I see his thoughtless proposition is definitely LOSE/LOSE, as well as, traumatizing for you!
Divorce- breaking up your family?
OR
Losing yourself, your sanity mind, while also risking the acting-out of your four children- who love and need their mother to be happy and stable!
It is my opinion that his mother needs to move into assisted living or find other arrangements that do not involve DUMPING her care on you. I’m sure there is lots more to this story- I’m so sorry for you:) Where is her husband living these days?
Do not allow his mother to be discharged from the hospital under your care- this would make YOU responsible for her! If he decides to have her released to HIS care- that’s another entire quagmire...Stick up for yourself and don’t be bullied into submission by anyone, ever.
Also, marriage counseling might help your husband wake up and realize what an A$$ he is being to HIS four beautiful children and wife, who absolutely should come first!
Hugs to you!

Stand your ground. It sounds like you have already given all you can. He may be bluffing but be prepared if he's not. If she has dementia she isn't safe to be around children. She could set the house on fire or any other type thing that requires a full use of ones faculties. When he promised to honor and cherish you at the altar, it meant you would come first. Write down your concerns. That way you can logically sit down and discuss them with out getting too emotional.

Tell him to move out and find a house for him and his mother, you’ve talked to a lawyer and are having papers drawn up. BTW- you are an amazing woman!

I would suggest to both of you to see a councilor. Prayer helps too.

NO... I was in a similar position with my FIL possibly moving in after my MIL passed early October. I actually posted here and got some very solid advice! In my case there are no kids so I I can't even imagine your situation. I am currently in the process of researching a lawyer to file for divorce :( What led me to my decision was the actions or inactions and the way my opinions and feelings were not taken into account through the process of figuring out where dad would live. It brought to light a lot of issues in our marriage and I'm moving forward with my decision. You are not a bad person... there is only so much you can do and sounds like professional care is likely the best in this situation! Good Luck!

115 answers and for the most part really very good ones. I wish that Tracij would come back and let her know her own thoughts on the response, and on her plans going forth. It is of interest to me that we often get a question from someone describing him or herself as a newcomer, a very provocative question is asked, and the person is not seen nor heard from again. I would love an update on this one.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. This man is hideous. This is not love.

No, you are not a terrible person! I would tell him that unless he wants to be the one to stay home and take care of her while you go to work, then forget it! I care for my 86 y/o dad, who has dementia, and it is a 24/7 job! It is draining and depressing! I'm 55, and for the first time in my life, I'm taking an antidepressant! Stand your ground!

I would not do it. My MIL lived with us for 9 long depressing years and I hated it. She was overbearing, nosey and had absolutely no life of her own. Your MIL needs to be in her own home or some sort of assisted living. Its no way you can handle all what you already have with your own family and her too.
I think its UNFAIR of your husband to threaten divorce when it is not your responsibility to take care of her.
If it means so much to him, suggest he move with her but then remind him that wouldn't work either because he definitely wouldnt have the time to be there for HIS MOTHER!!

To become the sole caretaker of someone who has dementia and still take care of your children is going to be next to impossible. Sometimes Dementia comes like little brain strokes and she will become bed ridden and need to be diaper changed four or more times a day. Say goodbye to kids' hobbies and sport dates. You have had your children, this is going to be like having a child that doesn't grow up but shrinks down and is super demanding like on steroids, as the decline is so heart wrenching and slow at times. My father was bedridden for almost 3 years before he passed away. You will need to buy a bed that deflates and inflates in different areas for bedsores. It has to be plugged in and if you have power outages, good luck, you'll need a generator handy. Bedsores come quick, like in a few days of not being able to move, you would have to have this bed paid for out of pocket if no insurance is available. Are the brothers expecting to inherit their father's house by sacrificing your mental and physical health? You'll succomb to the stresses and then who will take care of your younger kids, will he find himself a replacement mother? (don't bring this point up, sounds to me like it would only give him ideas). Sorry to sound so negativistic, but worse case scenarios sometimes help others to see the bigger picture. I have a lot of anxiety and this is how it makes me think. Sorry. There are costs for when she will become even more sicker, not just diapers, but bottles on bottles of meal replacements for when she forgets how to chew her food. This is the face of dementia. It however does not mean she will become bed ridden, if you are lucky...but all the symptoms that cause one's own time and efforts to be focused only on her. I rather have someone to be in the home that is a caregiver during the day but eventually your sleep will become perilous, for if she needs assistance, changing diapers, or soils the bed in the middle of the night, who is going to get up and clean it, the man she gave birth to? Or the other man she gave birth to? How callous can a man be without the full picture of what is going to be. She has to be put into a facility but visited often, as unfortunately, I do know that the more you visit the better the staff is going to be at "attention" and give her attention, you have to become a public relations manager on her behalf and show them she is loved and cared about, or you might end up becoming guilt ridden by that prospect too. I think the most important part of this equation is you. You need to raise your children, it is their turn and life is long. Start doing research on finding a facility and getting the costs and calling around for 8 hour caregiving at home, vs the 24 hour caregiving needed when she is no longer able to go to the bathroom alone. People will forget how to walk too once they fall, they will fall, and forget how to get up...I had to get on all fours and mimic the movements for getting up once for my 200 pound father. God rest his beautiful soul, but I sure as hell would not agree to be his sole caregiver, you need a team.

I recommend that you seek the advice of a good Elder Care Attorney. Perhaps family mediation involving your husband, brother, yourself, and your MIL could help put all issues on the table, and with the help of the mediator, all can be heard and collective decisions can be made regarding your MIL care moving forward. Meanwhile, since your mother is currently hospitalized, the case worker or hospital social worker responsible for discharge planning may recommend a rehab facility until longer term planning can be established. Your husband is being completely unreasonable and cruel to threaten divorce solely because you are expressing your boundaries and limits in caregiving. He should not assume that because you are his wife, that you are the one to provide care. There may be more issues involved in your marriage, and issues with MIL simply a catalyst for divorce. You could benefit by talking to a therapist to sort through marital issues. My parents split up during their 70s, and my mother lived with me and my husband for 4.5 years. She is disabled from a ruptured brain aneurysm when she was in her 50s. I provided caregiving prior to my parents' split. Yes, caregiving a parent in your home puts a lot of strain on one's marriage...I'm grateful that my marriage survived, but it certainly was strained. Take care of yourself and your kids first.

OMG. NO.
Your husband, if you don't mind my saying, seems to have some serious mental health issues of his own if he cannot comprehend the impact here. Of course if he goes off to work, it won't be his burden. This is very messy, and finances are not even mentioned. As in how good is the business and can he afford to support you and the kids in a separate household AND take care of mom from a physical and financial standpoint?
And...not only does she have dementia, she is a hoarder?
Look out for you and your kids in this moment. Get to a certified elder law attorney so you are protected financially and they can advise you hopefully on the rest.
Clearly you loved this guy and probably still do to have married and had kids with him...imo, it is one thing to care for parents/inlaws, but it is a totally different game when a spouse is clueless to the impact on the caregiving spouse and household.
I'm glad you say you are going to stand your ground. You will save yourself...and it's like that old story about being on a plane with the oxygen masks...first take care of yourself so you can help others, and for you I assume first in that list would be your kids.