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I am so very sorry. This is such tough stuff and I wish you so much luck.
They will serve him breakfast, lunch and a snack and have different activities to keep him busy and may have(like most)a spa day where they will give him a shower and even trim his hair and beard if needed.
They do such a wonderful job with the folks that attend. Of course there is a charge, but if money is an issue they do offer financial help, as does the VA if your husband is a veteran.
Even if you can bring him there 2-3 days a week for 8 hours/day, just think of what you could all get done in that time, plus it would keep your husband busy.
It would be a win win for you both.
If you haven't tried to find a male caregiver, see if you can find one, someone who has the same interest as your hubby, such as golf, NASCAR, football, soccer, gardening or great literature? Someone who has a common interest might spark your hubby to be more accepting to having a caregiver or companion.
Many people come to the site looking for answers that will achieve what they want with no-one getting upset. It won’t happen. You need to make decisions about what is workable to improve things, and grit your teeth about the down-side. The only other option is to see if you can last out until your husband is so far gone that he won’t complain – and is that really a good idea for either of you?
Anyway, our closest adult daycare program is 20-30 minutes away and does not offer transportation but I hear is a good one and I’m going to try it even though I need my ‘me time’ at home and I don’t relish an hour in the car each day. Next step after that will be a day companion in our home. After that will probably be MC placement.
It’s really important to plan several steps ahead because you never know how quickly their progression will be, then stick with your plans regardless of how upset your husband gets. (I’m speaking to myself here, too.) That includes arranging the financial stuff ASAP. It’s hard though, when hubby has those strangely lucent days and seems almost ‘normal’.
"Anxious and scared if he can't see me" is called Shadowing and is a common behavior with dementia.
If you can afford an in-home companion, can you afford an Adult Day Care where he goes in the mornings and comes home later in the day? I totally understand your desperation for alone time and self-care so that you don't burn out...
Have you tried starting slowly and telling him the companion aid if for you, not him? Maybe see if you can get a guy? It is possible for him to acclimate to a person, it will just take time. Maybe at first don't leave the house but have the aid engage him in an activity while you have alone time in your home, then eventually he may accept you leaving the premises -- but really do get him on meds if he isn't on any. Call his primary doc about this. It may take a few weeks for med to fully kick in.
My friend's wife with ALZ was paranoid and shadowing, and totally rejected a companion for a while but then eventually got comfortable. The aid had an RN background, so IMO it's important you don't get a newbie who knows nothing about dementia. This is always a disaster. I wish you much success in finding a solution!
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