My husband is done with my narcissistic parents and refuses to go to family functions now. How do I get to a place of acceptance? Is anyone else in this situation?

How do your children react/feel when they see their grandparents treating their parents as poorly as they do?

I might be making a huge leap here, but are you the type of person who makes excuses for your parents' bad behavior? Have you encouraged your children to continue to include your parents to maintain the "status quo", so to speak? Because if you have, you're doing no one any favors, especially yourself.

I get wanting to "keep the peace". But sometimes, that price of that so called peace is just way too high.

I would have an honest discussion with your kids about all of this. The fact that you hate the "misery your parents have created". It might be they're as sick and tired of it as you and your husband are.

My mother's mother was a miserable person. She would harp and harp on old "injustices"; she wasn't happy unless she could make everyone miserable. She gloated about each holiday she could ruin with her acid tongue. She would mope every Christmas and each of her birthday's because she never got the "perfect" gift, like an 80-something year old toddler. Her favorite expression was "If you laugh today, you'll cry tomorrow." You get the picture. We were all, including my mom, sick and tired of the behavior.

One Christmas dinner, my mom told her several times to knock it off; when she refused, my mom unceremoniously packed her up and brought her home. Then she instituted a new rule: we would go to "oma's" on Christmas Eve, or the night before whichever holiday, bring her any gifts, stay a little while, and then go home without her, and have a pleasant holiday. And that's exactly what we did. We gave her an hour to be miserable, then left her and had a happy whichever holiday we were celebrating.

If I were in your position, I would lay out like this to my kids: "Look. Insofar as your grandparents are concerned: you know our relationship has ever been good. Dad and I have put up with just about all we're willing to put up with. From now on, when we have all of you over, we are not going to include my parents. If you have a gathering, and they're there, I will come if you really want me to; but I will NOT put up with their nonsense anymore. It might come down to a confrontation between me and them; it might come down to me walking off in the middle of the celebration. If that would be too mortifying for any of you to witness, then no hard feelings, just tell me and I won't come, and we will get together at an earlier or later time to celebrate with you without my parents. I don't want you to take this as an ultimatum 'it's them or us' - I just don't think it's a healthy dynamic for any of us, particularly our grandchildren , to be a part of."

Your kids might be relieved by this, especially if they've held their tongues for years witnessing the shabby treatment of their parents by their grandparents.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

How about if you and your husband start having your own family functions that your parents are not invited to? I'm sure your children would rather have their father at some special occasions they're hosting instead of their grandparents because they know how badly and disrespectful your parents treat their father.
I don't blame your husband for finally drawing the line with these people. He's put up with it for 33 years and enough already. Your kids should start excluding grandma and grandpa if they behave so badly and disrespectfully to your husband. Yes, they are your parents but he's your husband.
Your husband tolerating their abusive behavior is not 'keeping the peace'. It's keeping the narcissistic bullies in charge of every family occasion.
My second husband is a good guy. His parents and family are nice people who were good to me and still are. The problem was his grandmother (on father's side). She was the biggest c-word that ever drew breath. Treated her whole family like garbage especially my poor MIL and she lived with my in-laws. Every time from the first time I met the family grandmother would ask me why I'm so fat and why don't I try to lose weight. I'm not a small woman but I'm not obese. Even if I was, there's no need for that. She's point to her DIL and say that I didn't want to get like that fat pig. Then she'd snicker.
I just ignored her for a few years out of respect. Everyone pretty much did. Until it was my MIL's 60th birthday. Grandmother didn't like that she was getting a party and for one day she wouldn't be the center of attention. God forbid her DIL should enjoy her special birthday. I came, she started with her weight remarks about myself and my MIL. I lost it with her and screamed right in her face that she wasn't going to ruin the party for my MIL. Who cleans up her piss and sh*t every day, feeds her, washes her clothes, and gives her a place to live. I then told her to STFU and nobody cares what she thinks. I was supposed to bring her to the party (it was a surprise). Instead, I called a friend of mine and hired her to come and sit with grandma. I explained to grandma that my birthday gift to my MIL was that she was going to enjoy her special party without that beast wrecking it.
I told everyone at the party that grandma said she wasn't feeling great and that my friend (who they knew) was going to stay with her.
She never made a snide comment to me or to my MIL in front of me ever again. In fact, she never spoke a word to me again. If I was at some gathering with the family she would leave the room if I came in. Good riddance. That old __________ finally died a few years after that party. They never put her in a facility. My MIL enjoyed her party.

Bluewillow, I think someone needs to bring up the elephant in the room.

Why have YOU allowed your parents to mistreat your husband for so long?

Please note that he has borne well their mistreatment of HIM, apparently with no complaint. But he will not stomach your dad's mistreatment of you.

I think I would be seeking therapy to figure out how to stop this abuse of you BOTH.

I am missing something here.

What is stopping you from hosting your children and grandchildren, but not your parents?

And why on earth are you continuing to put yourself in your parents' firing line?

I can relate. Except in my situation it's me that won't attend my husband's family gatherings. He's accepted it though cause he understands why I don't want to be around his clan. They've never really tried to get to know me or showed an interest in who I am. In fact when I first met them I got the impression that it was their world and I had to fit into it. I immediately knew that I could let them suck me into the vortex of their dysfunction or draw a line in the sand. I chose the line in the sand.

I think your husband has done the right thing. Sure, it's sad for you but if the alternative is your husband feeling anger and stress, wouldn't you rather that not be the case. I know that when I'm around my hubs family I get such a bad tension headache it's just not worth it.

So as far as you getting to a place of acceptance, you may never totally accept it but if it means your husband feeling more relaxed then maybe you'll just have to.

BlueWillow,

I don't see that anyone has mentioned this, nor did you ask, but...

Have you considered that you are setting the example to your kids/grandkids for how one person should be treated by another? I am an only child of a narcissistic mother and a dad who has been dead for 35 years. My dad buffered between my mom and the rest of the world and my stepdad did the same. After my dad died and before Mom remarried, her bad behavior was out there and unfiltered for all to see. She hated my husband and treated him so, even in front of our daughter and later our son. She said awful things to me like "Don't have only one child because you will always be disappointed." Even still, he would not stand up to her on his own behalf because he knew the scene it would create and that would stress me out. He finally couldn't stand her treatment of me and avoided her at all costs. As a teenager, I remember being able to say the most hurtful mean things and smile while I said them, so that the people I was speaking to almost seemed grateful for my criticism. She used to say "You can cut people off at the knees and make them thank you for doing it." and she was PROUD to say that! It was not until I heard her in my own voice talking to my kids that I realized that by accepting her bad treatment, I was normalizing it and perpetuating it. I knew that I didn't want to be that person and I saw that the only way to break that cycle was to cut ties with her. So I did. And I worked on learning to express my displeasure with my kids and others in constructive, positive ways. In the 37 years of my marriage, she and I have been estranged for about half of that at various times because I didn't want that influence in the lives of my family. We would try again and she would repeat so I would step out of her life again. We are on terms now, but she has not changed - she just has dementia along with NPD. When she is acting out, I retreat to caregiver mode and never am I open-hearted with her - too much pain is possible.

My grown daughter observed so much of this, my son - not so much because she hasn't been in his life that much. When she and I talk, she tells me how it bothered her to see me accept my mother's treatment even as it made me cry and hurt me. She also saw me learn to deny myself a parental relationship in favor of my family's well-being and my own mental health. At times when she and I disagree, she has such a beautiful way of standing her ground and setting boundaries and we are able to work through disagreement and resolve things healthily and look each other in the eye with respect for one another afterward - no screaming fits on either side, no piercing words. And I see her modeling the same with her 14 year old son. She and I recently talked about our relationship and she has actually said that seeing me walk away from my mother, seeing me stand up to my mother, helped her to know that she should not accept anything less than respect from another human being.

I tell you this to say that you have younger generations watching you right now and what you do may make a big difference for them. Your husband has made a healthy choice to distance himself. YOU need to do the same. So many others have given you a variety of good advice for how to deal with your parents, but maybe my words can give you hope and courage to be able to take the actions they suggest and stand by your choice. YOU deserve to be loved and respected (and you will never get that from narcissistic parents, as much as that sucks), but your kids and grandkids need to hear you telling them that they deserve love and respect by seeing you lay claim to the same.

You realize that your parents have priority with your children over your husband having priority with his own children? Is there really “peace” when the situation is so toxic that a father feels forced to step away from his own childrens’ celebrations and gatherings? What does this teach the youngest generation—that it is ok to treat a LO so poorly that they want to exclude themselves from family gatherings? Why do your parents have to be at every gathering? Why is the pool more important than your husband’s dignity. You say your son sees his grandparents’ poor treatment of his father, then work with him on making the environment more comfortable for his father, Your son has the right, legally, morally and socially (good manners) to exclude his grandparents from family social gatherings, even if the relatives live next door, downstairs or upstairs. I have a narcissistic sister (diagnosed) who ruins every family gathering. We simply don’t invite her to every gathering.

Why are your children and grandchildren prioritizing their grandparents over their Dad? Is there no way they could allow him time with them and his own grandkids? Do your kids see what their Dad sees? I appreciate that he's opting out, and not dictating the guest list, but I think you need to make some time for your family to enjoy time together without grandma and grandpa.

So simple.
First, I'm so proud of your husband. This is a man, with self-respect.

Btw, don't you think he'd like to spend time with his children and grandchildren?
This is your man. He's got feelings.

I don't understand how anyone, would make allowances for bad guys, and permit mistreatment of a good guy, your husband.

I've got to say it again, I soooo applaud your husband.

When your parents pass you will be left with 3 things; your memory of how crappy they were; secondly, how you ate poop, and third; the years and years of allowing them to shovel it on your husband. Shame.

You have the added benefit of knowing that family has it imprinted on their brains the memory of witnessing this sad treatment.

Honor your good guy husband. Don't go either.
Have family get-togethers without the bad guys

I'm not saying to mistreat your parents. You've got to have class.
Take and make phone calls. Keep it general. Say that you've got to go when they get stinky.

In a quiet, strong, and unoffensive manner show the younger people of your family that poop eating is NOT okay in ANY circumstance and very importantly instruct by behavior how to (not stop it, because you can't) avoid it with dignity.

Take your parents out to lunch every 2 - 3 weeks, just you and them. If they make remarks either change the subject, or where it fits say - you know why, and when they get insistent or petulant say - got to go now. There are tons of deflective one liners.

My MIL is waaay beyond toxic.

She is mentally ill, always has been, always will be.

Pretty early on she realized that she could 'pick' on me and nobody would stand up for me. She'd do it when we were alone--in this hissy quiet voice. My kids DID hear her and later years they'd call her out, but the damage was done.

DH, although thoroughly believing in her nastiness, didn't want to stir the pot and also LIKED that when I went with him to her place to fix something, all her anger was directed at ME and he got off scot-free. He would NOT stand up to her for me. Told me to fight my own battles.

I tried, wow, how I tried to make her at least, not pick at me and constantly criticize me. Nothing to be done. DH and his Sis and MIL are all about 80% deaf w/o their hearing aids and of course they don't' ever wear them, so it makes conversations impossible.

The final straw came when I went with DH to see her and fix some things around her house right after I had gotten the 'all clear' after cancer & chemo of 18 months. She never spoke a word to me during the 2 years of TX. And so what does she say to me, first thing? "So, when is the cancer coming back?"

That was it. More stuff happened that day, but it ENDED up with me walking out the door and never returning. DH had been there, but he didn't HEAR her, so he believed HER, not me.

I have not spoken to nor seen her in about 2 years. I don't give her any energy. This goes against my character, but I just...can't. 44 years is long enough to take the heat for EVERYTHING that is wrong in her life.

Really, it's sad. She could have had a loyal, loving friend in me. She chose this and I can't change it.