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I was able to keep my husband home with me for the full 10-year dementia journey, but NOT without help! If you don't get some help, I predict the length of time you and he can stay at home together will be shortened.
My husband did not want to go to a day program. When he was in a "good" cognitive period I explained to him that I was doing everything possible so that he could stay at home with me, and he had to do his part, too. I needed times I could count on for my own appointments and to go into the office for meetings (I worked from home.) He claimed that he didn't need a "baby sitter" and I could just leave him alone when I needed to go out. I told him I knew that HE didn't need a babysitter, but since we never knew when that darn Lewy would act up (he had Lewy Body Dementia) and someone needed to be around to help out then. He went, for my sake. I think it was very good for him as well, but I didn't expect him to admit that.
After a few years he needed more one-on-one care than the program could provide and then we had a personal care attendant in the home 32 hours a week. I explained to him that she was there to help me, so I could do my work at home and support us. He loved her! She did puzzles with him, and watched a little television with him, and did his exercises with him, took him for walks in his wheel chair, and best of all from his perspective, "she's not as bossy as you."
I was fortunate in that my husband knew his diagnosis and understood that it sometimes caused problems for him. He also had periods when he could be reasoned with. I don't know if any of this is true for your husband.
But I do know this. You cannot long endure being a prisoner in your own home. You are a unique and worthwhile individual. You deserve to preserve your health for your own sake. In addition to that basic truth, if you burn out, what will happen to your husband?
Arrange times when you are not doing hands-on care for your husband.
I agree with SueC that discussing these issues with his doctor would be a good first step.
Please, take care of yourself! Come back here often, but I hope you don't come on the Burned Out topic!
I think you are in denial.
You wrote, "My husband has Alzheimer's but it's not too bad."
If you had to quit work, monitor his actions around the house, he can't tolerate waiting, gets irritable and angry, it is "bad". His actions, even though they aren't his fault, leave you a prisioner in your own home.
It sounds like he would benefit from some medication intervention that his doctor or geri-neurologist could prescribe. Has he seen a doctor lately?
Also, would he be receptive to a "day care" program? They have them for people with dementia so the caregiver can get to their own appointments. They are familiar with handling seniors with difficult behaviors.
Also, start bringing in a couple of people (maybe members from your church or any organization you belong to) once a week WHILE YOU'RE THERE. This will get him used to them and he'd be more receptive staying with them when you're gone.
If you don't find a way to break away from his grip, your health will suffer. His Alzheimer's will progress and you may get sicker and sicker. Who will watch out for him then? Call his doctor and schedule and appointment soon.
You should also read about the different stages of Alzheimer's so you'll be prepared for what's coming next. Do you have a plan in place when you won't be able to care for him anymore?
Do you qualify for Medicaid (to pay for a nursing home in the future)? There is much to learn and much to plan for.
Good luck and God bless you both.
Start by having a regular time for someone to come, maybe a cleaning lady to ease your work load as then he would see that they are helping YOU - hire someone who will be okay with you popping off the grocery store while you're 'covered' - after a short while he will be used to another person around & you could have someone for example : every Wed morning or Thurs afternoon so that you can get out for your appointments etc & go out regularly even if only to the hairdresser because you will be rejuvenated for the break thus be a better caretaker for him
I know you are doing the best you can, but its a lot for one person to take on. I know how much we don't want to upset the person we are taking care of but sometimes we have to put our foot down for their own safety.
I wonder if you can have the doctor or social worker talk to him. Sometimes our loved ones respond better to others. I hope you are able to make it to your own doctor appointments.
I did not mean to offend you. I apologize if my words were offensive. Each of us becomes familiar and "comfortable" with the stage of dementia our loved one is in. That same stage can be overwhelming to others. Sometimes it's hard to see the forest for the trees.
The fact that your husband has to be monitored says (to me) that you need help in caring for him. Yes, he may not be "as bad" as other dementia suffers that you know, but he sounds incapable of staying by himself. That means YOU need assistance.
If I were you, I would take any and all opportunities to get him used to others. As cdnreader mentioned, sometimes YOU have to take the lead and tell him what will be best for them (and you). Like jeanne said, blame it on the fact YOU need more help around the house. Dementia suffers are often aware that "something" isn't right with them and they try to hide it. It's embarrassing to think that someone needs to take care of them. If you blame it on your need for help, you'll probably have more of his cooperation.
Again, I'm sorry if I offended you.
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