My grandmother wants me to be in control, as long as I do it her way. How do I deal with this?

If she wasn't your grandma but just a woman treating you in this way. would you be helping her? I'm guessing not. I have started asking myself this question with certain family members who I have been tolerating abuse from...because they are 'family'. No more....have started saying no, speaking up to criticisms and invalidation/gaslighting comments etc. I'm now not so popular but more importantly..those members are staying clear of me and not asking anything from. Suits me just fine!

Lacis, welcome. Eta, you're a SINGLE parent!!?? Even more so what I said below.

Tell grandma she's going to need to manage on her own for 2 weeks because you are needing to take a break.

Tell her that you are going to spend this time considering whether you want to continue this job. In the meantime, she will need to make other arrangements.

This is not said in anger, it's just the facts. If she becomes abusive, hang up.

I only volunteer my time for folks who treat me with respect and kindness. I strongly encourage you to do the same.

You have 3 young children. You are their only resource. Grma and grandpa can hire help. Your kids can't.

So what's wrong with grandma? Does she have dementia, or is she just a control freak that nobody's ever stood up to before? You and grandpa allow her to get away with murder, so she continues to get worse and worse? I ask that b/c I had a mother like that........we all walked around on eggshells for fear of angering her further. It was a rotten way to grow up and a rotten way for my father to live, but he never did anything about it so......he made his bed. When she got old, she just got worse, but by then, I was able to say NO to her and not put up with her temper fits. I learned how to ignore her and do things on MY terms, including that she live in Assisted Living and then Memory Care.

That's the key with elders like this: that YOU set the boundaries down, not THEM. Because otherwise, you'll be running yourself ragged (as evidenced by your exhaustion and that nothing is ever good enough for the woman) and jumping through fiery hoops and STILL not meeting her impossible needs.

Grandma and grandpa can HIRE in home help because once you set down some boundaries, you'll only be available on X days a week from X hours to X hours, and I suggest those days and hours be short. You have a busy life and children to attend to which is more important than two elders with enough finances to hire their own help! That's the truth and deep down inside you know it. You're not going to be able to 'explain this to her in a way she might understand' either, because women like this make it their life's work NOT to understand reason, kindness or logic. They want things done THEIR way or the HIGHWAY. Period. And that just doesn't work for you anymore. Sorry.

Wishing you the best of luck setting down YOUR rules and then sticking to them like glue. Because she WILL look for the cracks in your armor to sneak through, I guarantee it.

This Grandma needs to be put in her place. She’s extremely fortunate that you help at all, same with gramps. If they don’t like your version of help they can PAY people to be their servants.

Let's step back and look at the whole picture:

You have no help. Your grandparents aren't stepping up and, at 85, (even if they were helping themselves) it isn't going to last much longer because that's the reality of age-related decline. Their neediness is just going to increase. And, there's 2 of them and 1 of you.

It's totally possible that one of them can have a profound medical issue or fall and break their hip tomorrow... then what? It's not managable or fixable by you. You are not their solution. Your kids and sanity and health and future is your first priority. Therefore you must look for outside solutions sooner rather than later, whether your grandparents like it or not, cooperative or not

You can look for a Geriatric Care Manager to help you navigate solutions and provide in-home help until you get to a more permanent solution. FYI your grandparents must pay for this and anything else that is related to their care, period.

Or, you can call social services to see if they qualify for any in-home help. The help is mostly for you.

Or, you tell them they must hire a companion aid to keep them entertained, do light housekeeping, help with some hygiene, some light meal prep, and take them to run errands. We had one for my 2 Aunts and she was awesome, it worked great.

You decide which type of help you WIILL put in place. They WILL pay for it. If they don't agree to this new arrangement then they WILL need to move out by the end of the month (and you need to mean this and carry it out).

The ultimate goal is to have them move out to AL before a crisis occurs, but it may be easier taking baby steps with them first. Once they get used to someone else providing the care, it may be an easier to get them to the next step.

Hopefully you are their DPoA. If you aren't, or they refuse to assign you, this is where you plant your flag in the ground. You cannot legally manage their affairs and make decisions in their best interests without the legal authority to do so. The other option is for the county to become their guardian (not you) and then the county will call ALL the shots and you won't be able to intervene.

Finally, it would be helpful for everyone's sake to know if your grandmother has demetia or not. It starts ever so subltly and then just progresses until one day she says or does something so totally whacky that you then realize she has had dementia for a while. A diagnosis is important because it will help you decide what boundaries to draw or uphold: a person with dementia is actively unlearning everything, forgetting new things and losing their abilities of reason and logic. Arguing with them, trying to retrain them would be pointless and exhausting. A diagnosis also helps in future prescription options for anxiety and mood.

I wish you all the best. Eat the elephant one bite at a time. Make tiny progress every day and you will be able to take back your life and your kids' lives!

Is there a saintship rolling around unused because you've earned it. I had somewhat demanding and fractious parents, but your situation is SOOOOO much worse. Here are a zillion hugs. This is going to be a long one:
1. Your grandmother doesn't want you to be in control. She wants to control you.
2. In your mind, who comes first in competition for your energy and attention? IMO, first you, then the kids, then your grandparents.
3. Are either or both of your grandparents competent to handle their medical and financial affairs? If yes, take time from your crazy day to arrange for an attorney to draft their estate plans, including POAs. YOU NEED NOT SERVE IN ANY CAPACITY unless you want to.
4. IMO, your grandparents need to see their PCP'S soon. Your grandmother may be undergoing physical and/or mental issues that can be addressed.
5. It sounds like you live in two separate houses.
6. I suspect your grandparents don't have the means to hire help or you would've done it already.
7. However, here are some ideas if they do have some money.
8. Don't grocery shop for them. They give you a list, you order online, store delivers. Do you always get exactly what you want? No. Life is hard when you get a different brand of grapefruit juice.
9. Hire a house cleaner or a maid service.
10. Hire a person to cut the grass and/or shovel snow.
11. Look into transportation options and other elderly assistance available in your community. Where I am, a free van service transports the elderly.
12. Believe it or not, there are companies who will pick up, wash, and deliver your grandmother's tutu and bedsheets.
13. Your grandmother is going to hate this so much.
14. She will throw every argument in the book why you must remain at her beck and call. Too damn bad.
15. My father broke his leg right when my mother had a small stroke. They expected me and my sister to do everything and weren't very nice about it.
16. I'm a pleaser but I have a limit. We told them: Hire caregivers or we're out of here. NOOOOO. We don't want strangers in the house.
17. Caregivers from a licensed and bonded agency aren't really strangers. Just people you don't know yet.
18. The truth is, you're the manager of a company that pleases two households but it's unprofitable because it's eating you up.
19. In fact, you're the CEO. Make executive decisions. In successful companies, the CEO delegates what she can and then manages those to whom she has delegated.
20. The caregiver is your VP of operations. She's the one making sure your grandparents' household is running properly. You manage her/the agency.
21. It may be wise to keep managing the financial matters.
22. If your grandparents can't (not won't) afford a caregiver (it's not cheap) do the math. Add up the hours you spend running their household. Figure out what your time is worth. Figure out the minimum hours for a caregiver to get it all done. Compare the figures.
23. If your grandparents really can't pay it all, consider kicking in a little. I realize this is a stupid thing to say to a single woman with three kids. But consider it.
24. Your grandmother will fight you tooth and nail. She has you where she wants you. So, it's up to you.
25. Because your company's true purpose is the kids. And they need a healthy mom.
26. Accept you won't get the love or respect you want from your grandmother. No matter what you do. You're in emotional bondage. Consider a few sessions with a therapist. A good therapist = gold.
27. You've got leverage. Unless they truly can't care for themselves, you've got no legal obligations.
28. Within reason, dictate terms. Negotiate what you can. Don't negotiate what you can't.
29. I can hear your grandmother's screaming from here. If I were standing where you are, I'd walk out of the house, put down the phone, go hug my little monsters, and take them to the park.
30. Best of wishes.

Grandma, getting old must be hard. It happens to us all & to me too one day.
I get you might be angry about it. Frustrated about losing some independence.

What would make it easier for you?

Or even, what care home would you like to move to?

Yes, really.

I cannot do everything you need all by myself & raise my children too.

So you will need to start hiring a team of staff to help or move where there is help on-hand.
I can help you make some calls, get some staff. Or help choose a place to move to.

G'ma may be angry. That is her right to feel how she does. Just as you can feel as you do.

But having the chance for real & honest conversations, adult to adult, could be just the thing to make better plans.

All have given you great advice. Getting her (your "gma") to understand via "more explanation" is not realistic. Gma -- especially at 85 -- is not going to change. If anything, she will get worse over time especially if dementia is part of this.

Your grand parents are not your responsibility, your responsibility is to your kids and to your health (mental and otherwise) to be there to care for your own children.

So as hard as this is and will be; mapping out the steps necessary to take back your life is critical. Setting boundaries; saying NO; not showing up/not doing the endless tasks, or set time limits for doing anything if you choose to do something but only once a week; when criticism starts, just leave and tell them you will not accept verbal abuse; give them two option they pay for in-come care/aides daily OR they pay and move to a facility that can care for them. Call adult protective services to say that the are not safe; if they refuse to take up either the in-home care or move to a facility options.

Hope you can find a gifted therapist to help you through this as there is a lot to unpack and to work through for your mental health and well being. Hope you have a POA to start making decisions for them, but as others have said, if no POA exists getting "state guardianship" is the likely best option. No matter what agency, you have to tell them "they are not safe," that "you cannot care for them," and adult protective services has to take over.

Your family and young children are the priorities. Your health will suffer greatly at the pace you are going and then where will everyone be?

Start getting the groceries delivered at least for grandparents. Order house hold supplies online, pay bills online and stop paper bills going to grandma. It only gives her something to complain over.

Set them both up with a visiting physician. This will save you a great deal of time and anxiety. You can pop over and be present for the check ups. Start with a home delivery pharmacy or use delivery from their local CVS or Walgreens. Mobile labs and imaging companies are available too. Services are done right in their home!

Start a part time caregiver. They will get over it and many chores like light housekeeping, laundry and light meal prep would be covered. You need the help!

Just an hour ago I attended a Zoom meeting with an elder care, financial advisor, special needs, estate planning lawyer and her lawyer assistant at $450 and hour. She works with many other skilled professions that touch on her world.
One of her recommendations to one of my ever branching concerns was to get a CARE MANAGER.
Case closed. That'll be $1 5.00, thank you.