By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
So we are down to visits. I wouldn't take seriously much that I have heard from you above. I think such questions pretty innocent. But if a question feels at all invasive I would consistently answer "I would need to think on that a bit! I will get back to you". It is really the best and most honest answer for such things as "When will you start having grandbabies for us" and so on. They will soon get to recognize that they just asked one of "those questions". The ones that won't be answered.
I think you may be putting a little too much thought into these visits. Too much worry. I think that if your Dad forgetting whether you take coffee, tea or milk is one of MANY things he seems to be forgetting while staying with you, you could be looking at some beginnings of change. But we do get "forgetful" and especially with any anxiety of travel at a certain age. I am 80. I guarantee it.
I agree - this writer is 'over thinking' the situation ALTHOUGH I equally believe she / they are concerned about dementia / changing brain chemistry and not able / clear yet on that being the main issue and concern.
One thing I've learned working with elders (and their families) is that often (100% of the time) the family is thrown into a family-dynamic / situation (dementia) and have no clue on how to handle it / no idea of how to communicate with a loved one with changing brain chemistry.
* they want to (and do) 'talk to the parent as if they parent is 'still there' as they have been all their life.
* they talk logic which doesnt work.
* they argue which adds fuel to the fire
Learning how to respond to a person who may be / is in the beginning stages of dementia requires educating oneself on dementia - and how to respond. It doesn't come naturally, except perhaps for a very very few or those in the medical field.
You said that "they're trying to connect with you" - so give them some credit for that ...and, how about making it easier for them and YOU open up a discussion...just maybe, they'll follow YOUR lead! It sounds like they may be bored by you.
* Showing an interest in another is always a 'good' approach.
* I do not see this as being a 'good conversationalist' like at a cocktail party. This is family.
- showing interest.
- listening
- understanding or trying to understand the 'impulse' response behavior (which seems to be the major point this writer is asking about).
It sounds to me like you are reprimanding these young family members.
Why?
To say something about the parent(s) being 'bored' by you is so insensitive and sounds judgmental and mean spirited. When a person writes 'us' on this forum, they are seeking support. Hopefully, in the future, you will consider (how you) your response before you write it.
This is much deeper than 'bored' - it is likely about dementia and aging parent(s) ... and the loss of a parent as one has known all their life... it is about the parent losing a part of themselves, their memory ... and feeling frightened, confused, scared.
This is how I consider questions posed here.
Gena / Touch Matters
Look, I'm about to be 70, and my memory ain't what it used to be. My daughter just said to me on the phone "I haven't had my coffee yet" and I thought to myself "but you don't drink coffee", except I guess she does.
If dad asks an off the wall question, how about "why do you ask?" as a suitable response.
And even if neither parent has any mental decline you can still meet them where they're at and just make the best/most out of your time together, because some day they won't be here anymore and you may just end up wishing for one more day with them.
We use to enjoy their visits, having the grand-daughters here was so much fun. Lot of chit-chat going on. Lot of sight-seeing, etc.
But once the grand-daughters became teens and cellphones got into their hands, and their Mom's hands, forgetaboutit. It was like everyone forgot how to talk to each other.
We did Christmas Eve, Thanksgiving, Easter as a family @ my parents house for many years. 2011 everyone came, 2012 only my sister and one daughter came, 2013&2014 nobody came although my sister stopped by the 26th to pick up her kids gifts.. Very sad because non of us knew that my father would be dying of CHF in 2015. I remember how hurt he was. It's just been me & mom since 2016 and we're not invited to family holidays. I've tried arranging for everyone to come here but always hear excuses from my sister. I did get almost everyone to come the 23rd in 2021&2022 to at least see moms 2 great granddaughters. She didn't recognize her now 14 yr old ggd.
What is quality time to you? It may be way different from what it would be to them.
Ask them about their lives, comment about their activities and how you might be interested in them. Mention that you miss this or that or whatever about the old neighborhood where you grew up, ask if they keep in touch with so-and-so. Let the conversation grow from YOUR interest in THEM.
It's simply a matter of being good conversationalists, and that seems to be an art that too many have forgotten. There are plenty of tips online if you want to brush up on your skills, but the first thing is usually to focus on THEM, not on yourselves.
I know people who cannot catch a breath for half an hour while marching out every last cute action of every grandchild, or their gardening, or (the worst) their golf game the other day. I actually started to go to sleep when Rude Aunt was nattering on and on for 45 minutes about civic matters in a town I don't live near and with people I've never met and have no idea who they are. Needless to say, I try to spend minimal time with such bores.
Quality time to me is exchanging ideas and original thoughts, and it needs to be participation on all sides with all making an effort.
She would organize my kitchen pantry foods in size order. Which had nothing to do with common sense, so cake flour was next to boxed potatoes, etc bc it looked pretty to the eye. Bedlam to deal with, but hey, OCD you don't argue with.
Mom dug up ADT Security stickers in my junk drawer and adhered them to windows so high up that had no stair access bc "burglars were lurking" everywhere. 20 years later I still can't scrape them off bc I think she used super glue for extra hold.
If my folks were "driving me bonkers" asking if I liked coffee, I'd have kissed the ground and sang Hallelujah. Speaking of coffee, mom had to drink hers SO HOT, she'd put it in the microwave after it brewed, for 2 minutes, so it was literally boiling. One day her cockatiel flew into her coffee cup and burned all the skin off of her leg. Dad had to give her shots of antibiotics daily for 2 weeks to save her life. 🙄
It could be worse. Be glad the phenomenon is not happening often and you still have an oven kno with temperature settings on it! 😁
No one drives another bonkers ... without their permission. In other words, no one 'makes' another do anything. A person on the receiving end allows it.
Learning to set compassionate boundaries critically important to learn.
And, it is important to do so for the safety of all concerned.