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But I understood why Dad was that way. Mom wouldn't allow either of us to touch anything in the kitchen. Thus, when I got married I didn't know how to cook, still don't (I am in my 70's now), so that fear is still ingrained. Same with laundry, housecleaning, etc.
For my Dad, he moved to Independent Living at a senior facility and loved it there. All those chores that he was afraid to do were being done for him (for a price). Except for wearing plaids with stripes when he got dressed :)
Give your father referral to a good counselor. Clearly the present one isn't working.
Tell your father that you have to get on with your life now, and you hope he will do so as well.
You will need to make a choice for your own life. And if you decide to STAY and do as you are doing in enabling this behavior that is one CHOICE of yours. If you tell Dad a date in one or two month time when you are leaving that is another choice of yours. You will, as an adult, have to assume responsibility for your own choices.
You did not create the problems of aging and you cannot fix them. You have a right to your own life, but you will have to CLAIM that right. It doesn't just land in your lap. I am sorry to be so blunt, but I find that sympathy often blocks our ability to get the facts. Again, this is YOUR CHOICE. If you yourself need a counselor to help you make this choice, then do avail yourself. I wish you and your dad the very best and am so sorry for your sad loss.
Time for you to take your house and your life back. It's been long enough now and your dad is a grown ass man, who should have learned long ago how to fend for himself, but as long as you continue to enable him he will never learn.
So time for either an independent or assisted living facility. There he will be around other folks his own age, and will get some if not all his meals made for him, and who knows he may just meet a woman his own age that would replace your mom in doing everything for him so you'll be off the hook.
It will be a win win for all involved.
So start with the word NO, and see where it takes you from there.
Or assisted living where he gets 3 meals a day without him having to lift a finger . Housekeeping and they do his laundry. They will also give him rides to the doctor .
He’s refusing to learn. He doesn’t want to , he wants you to replace his wife . He’s used to being taken care of , so he goes to a facility that will cater to him .
I had a father like this, Mom did everything for him. I told my brothers long ago that I would never care for him. My DH is very capable of doing for himself. Our mothers did us daughters no favors in spoiling our fathers. You tell him what my SIL says to my brother "I am not your mother" when he is acting like my Dad. If you are getting breakfast for everyone else then why not Dad too. But, if he gets up late or earlier than your family then its "the cereal is in the pantry and milk in the fridge. Please clean up when ur done" I don't eat lunch as such. Your doing something or going out "Dad there is lunchmeat in the fridge and bread in the bread box."
Dinner your getting that for everyone, why not Dad. He should be making his bed and keeping his room straighten up. Cleaning up after himself.
My GFs daughter is always involved in something. I asked her how does she do it. She said she suffers from depression and keeping active helps her stem it off. I would get Dad to the doctors for some depression meds. Then I would tell him time to go home. You need to get back into a routine. You need to learn to take care of yourself. You could stop in daily making sure he is OK backing off little by little. Maybe making a call once a day checking on him. But do not be at his beck and call.
Is he on any meds for his depression/anxiety? If not, maybe time for this suggestion. This could help him make the transition.
He's not going to allow you to have your life back so you need to insist on it. You're not responsible for his happiness. You shouldn't be his solution.
It is not that difficult to feed ourselves. Or learning something new i.e. basic cooking class is good way to get out of comfort zone.
Just be honest, tell Dad he should go home. Don’t do his shopping or food prep. He is able to do it like any adult.
Will you do it for next 20 years?
You are going home.
I am not your wife.
I am not your maid.
Time for you to make some changes.
I will help you hire a cleaning service & set up meal deliveries to get you started.
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