My dad pays me $1000.00 a month for his full time care. Is he paying me too much?

Wow I am so blessed to have a sister that comes out to help for a couple of weeks when she can. She lives 2,000 miles away and although she is retired she doe have a busy life.
i agree that sis is clueless, which makes her appear self centered. My question is this:
what kind of relationship have you had with sis? Has she always been in charge? Has she always wanted things her way? And going forward, what kind of relationship do you hope to have after dad is gone?
it would be so satisfying for a moment to tell her off now, but doing so would have repercussions later. There are ways to stand your ground politely. I’ve seen others do it and I study them. Your sister may not agree at the time and may need to get the last word in, but stay polite.
also make sure you have POA and are in charge of the trust and are his health agent on his POLST. You are with him, so you will be the one to make decisions rapidly. Get all this paperwork in order while dad has capacity to sign.
when my kids were little and complaining about friends I told them they needed to stand up for themselves, but do it in such a way that when they invited the friend to church the friend would want to go! Very difficult, must pray first.

Your sister is a sour apple with a cheap selfish heart. You are not getting too much, if anything, you are being underpaid. Keep up the good work, it's very difficult, is an understatement.

I would ignore her.

Who has the POA? I suppose she thinks the room and board you get is some form of compensation. Let her see the bank statements to prove you are not taking all his money.

The short answer is no it isn’t too much from any angle you choose to look at it. But more simply and to the point, this is what your father wanted and chose to do, this is what he felt was fair based on what he felt he could afford. Remind your sister that he took it upon himself to go see an attorney to make things legal and if that attorney had any questions about your dads competency during their interactions or the arrangement itself (like he was paying you too much) it would have come up. He has a legal responsibility to be sure his client is capable of entering into a legal contract.

Im less apt to bash or be so suspicious of your sisters motives, though she is being very unrealistic and probably isn’t going about it well she probably has no idea. She may even feel shut out or jealous of your relationship with Dad or guilty about her inability to be as big a part of his care, whatever the reason for that. Not everyone is cut out for or able to care for their failing parents for all kinds of reasons, one being the emotional strain of the in your face mortality and when you aren’t submerged in caring for them daily it can be harder to figure out how to make the most of each day rather than mourn yesterday. It’s like when your children are very young, the parents living with them every day don’t experience their growth and changes the same shocking in your face way grandparents, aunts and uncles who see them less often do. With an aging parent each time you experience the shocking change it’s emotionally more difficult and can become frightening, what am I going to find this time, as well as maybe a picture of your own possible mortality. Not sure I’m explaining that well but perhaps helping your sister understand in a more gentle way rather than writing her off or locking her out. I don’t know how far away she lives but if she is close enough maybe you could ask for her help, go away for a weekend and have her stay with Dad or have her take him in to visit her for a long weekend, week even. Maybe keep her in the loop more about doctors appointments, medication, vent a little about the things that get to you sometimes, lean on her a little more, laughter with her about dad things. “I went grocery shopping for a couple hours and came home to find a scorched pot, I fix something for him ahead of time every time I go out and remind him not to use the stove but...should I turn off the breaker every time I leave the house?! Lol I keep finding his toothbrush in the freezer, what’s that about? Hahaha” Let her know about some of the day to day challenges without using them to prove that you deserve compensation. You could even point out how expensive it is to get some help and ask if she could come stay with him for the afternoon, this way you are being cognizant trying to conserve his money and letting her know without that confrontational thing, just how expensive caregiving is as well as how much he needs the supervision.

If none of this is really applicable and it may not be, just hold firm both to yourself and to her that this is the way Dad wants it and set it up. Changing it up or down (though I could come up with reasons to increase it) is dishonoring his right to make decisions for himself, his last feeling of independence. Also I’m not clear as to wether Dad is actually living with you or not but there are basic expenses if that’s the case too an it’s not fiscally responsible with his money not to cover those in case he needs Medicare in he future an so their are less opportunities for bad feelings later around the settling of his estate.

Good luck and do try to put yourself in your sisters shoes as much as you can while trying to deal through this, I’m not saying it’s fair she is wrong but it’s a relationship that will be better to strengthen through the next 10 years, for you and for your dad, rather than strain if at all possible.

No it is not too much. The list of things you shared is just a portion of what you do. The worrying, the watching and just plain being there for his every need is hard on you, but because you love him, you do it. Would your sister be able to handle all of this. OR would she rather you put him in nursing home ( ave cost 6-8,000 per month) and he wouldn't get the extra special care that he's getting with you?

You should offer to take a month off and have her take your place.....she will see just how hard it is.

God Bless You for what you are doing.

We have a live-in aide and pay her $20 an hour for 12 hours a day, or $1680 a week.

Arrrgggh. As with so many others, I feel I MUST post even if I'm not saying anything new. Show your sister these responses you're getting; if she won't sub for you for a week to get a taste of what it's like, maybe she'll listen to us.

More than the physical things you do for your father, you're providing him with the security and happiness of family care. If $1000/month keeps you on the job, it's still a GIFT you are giving him.

OH MY GOSH! Perhaps you should let your sister take care of your Dad for several weeks while you go on vacation. I am sure she would realize what a sacrifice you are making and that $1000 a month is a bargain! $300 a month is less than $1.00 an hour if you are providing 24 hour care. My Mom is paying $6000 a month for the same in home care.

A sitter is $25 an hour on average for adult care. That comes to $200 a day for an 8 hour shift. So he is actually only paying you for 1 week out of the month.

Tell your sister to check rates for caregivers like Comfort Keepers and include cooking his meals and it will be an eye opener for her. If you are giving him that much care and are you cleaning and doing his laundry? If so, sis should thank her lucky stars you are doing it all for him for that amount.

Agree with the rest! Glad you have the contract - definetly not enough. Even if you hired outside help whether thru an agency or not, it would still be MORE than that a month. You're fine. Tell her to chill. I'd be happy to give her my greedy siblings number and they can bit** about it together.

Memory care assisted living in Northwest Iowa, where my Mom lives, is $6,000 per month. This is the low end of the cost spectrum because the cost of living is much less than other parts of the country. I think your sister needs to wake up, then step up. Unfortunately, it seems that too many families are made up of those who "do" and those who stand on the sidelines and criticize. Ideally, some family counseling/mediation would be helpful for all, and likely available through Area on Aging or other senior services. If you wish to pursue this and your sister refuses (what are the odds?!?!), it may be helpful for you to seek this help for your own sanity.

Do not pay any attention to that sister of yours, is she helping to look after your dad??? I look after my elderly mam and she pays me €150 each week. I buy her the best of food, sweets, ice cream etc. Make all her meals, wash her clothing, bring her for all her hospital appointments, doctors, hairdressers etc while my other sisters all live away and yet their is still jealousy from them. I love my mam and didnt want her to go n to a home as she got very sick last year and needs around the clock attention so I gave up my job. The cheek of some families. One of my sisters said to me you took mam in to Your home so you can take the consaquences now until she dies, what a horrible thing to say. And you know the worse part is , I have a brother who has his own apartment but is staying in my mams home as he said to her he feels better there. I pay the Electric bill and Gas bill and bins out of mams pension and he does not lift a finger to do anything for her. It really annoys me that when any of them call my mam is all happy and chatting away to them and yet they never send her as much as a birthday or Mother's Day card. My mam left the house to be diveded between the family and you know it's like a rock around my neck. So you don't give a toss about that sister as she will stress you out and make you I'll. Try have as little contact with her as possible as she is only interested in the money and not your dad or you.

HI Brenda,

My 87 y/o father, who has dementia, lives with me, and I do everything for him too. I can assure you that $1,000 per month is not too much! If anything, it's not enough! I would tell your sister to go ahead and keep him for a month, and then decide if it's worth it. Tell her to look at prices at Memory Care facilities! They run anywhere from 4-6k per month! This is not an easy job, and it will get worse with time. It is very stressful too. I'm sure you could get an easier part time job for that amount. $1k per month is 12k per year. Who can even live on that? People who have not been in your position have no idea how difficult it is! It is a 24/7 job!

When your sister brings this up again, ask her to research other options for 24/7 care and then you will be happy to discuss those options with her. She will quickly find out that ALL other options are a lot more expensive. I would then ask her if she is willing to take it over - for $300/month.

Actually, you are not being paid enough!
I had to get 24 7 Care for my 96 yr old Dad do he could continue living in his own home and it took me a super long time to find someone to do this for $512 per week using a few Caregivers.. most Caregivers want a minimum of $12 an hr up to $25. I'm paying $9 but $12 on Holidays.

Whole I was looking, I did find another lady that would do Live In for $500 a week but I would have to furnish her food, own bedroom and bathroom and she would be able to take one 24 hr day off per month.

You should offer the job to your sister and see how fast she runs from it.

I took care of my mom until Cov-19. I was there almost every night with her, helping to fill in the gaps at her assisted living facility. Since the quarantines, I've been unable to see her. Its costs me 2100 a week for just 12 hours a day care. Don't worry about 1000.00. That's not very much.

I am a part time caregiver. I work 30 hours a week.
I make 3,000.00 a month.
You are UNDERPAID

Average out what you are making per hour....trust me, it's not too much.  Your sister needs to put up or shut up.  If you were paying an outside agency or placed him in a facility, it would be 6 to 10 times that amount.

It's funny how those who don't help have lots of opinions on the matter....  Tell your sister she can do it all for $300 a month. :-)

How many 24-hour a day jobs do you know of that pay a whopping $12,000 a year? Let's say this amounts to about 80 hours of work per week. And we know it probably does. At $1,000 per month you are making about $2.50 per hour, less than minimum wage. Your sister would like you to be paid $.75 per hour. Take a vacation, leave her in charge, and ask for more money.

As mentioned from others, your sister is in the dark about what care costs. Agency care goes usually averages $22/hour. Doing that math 24/7 is $528/day, $16,000/month. Even if you used them 10 hours a day and you slept over, that would be $220 per day, about $6,700 per month. So she's right to have a problem with $1,000/month as it way too low.

Even if you found a private caregiver, it's on average $15/day. It's lower since they don't have to share the wage with the care agency. However doing the math it's still, at just 10 hours a day, $4,500 per month. And you'd still have to be there the other 14 hours.

Care is one of our biggest financial issues in our country. You're a gem for being with your dad in the first place, and especially for that small sum.

As mentioned, call some home care places and get a quote emailed to you and send to your sister. That should cool things off.

$1000 is NOT enough at all. You should be getting paid more if he has the funds.

See a lawyer yourself. Are you his POA and Proxy? If you are you don’t have to volunteer information to no one.

Tell your inconsiderate sister to take care of her Dad full time or
hire full time caregivers around the clock, that’s 24/7 of paying for outside help for someone with Dementia bc he can’t be left alone, see if it comes out to $1000 a month OR more like $4000 a month.

She should keep her mouth shut when she doesn’t know what it entails.

Good luck with all that.

Stay safe & healthy.

$1,000 is cheap! Price out assisted living and you will see. Your sister is just afraid that there will not be any inheritance for her at the end. If you had in-home care, you would easily pay $1,000 a week. Do a little math, then discuss it with her or send her a letter. What would she do if you were not available to help? There always has to be a Plan B. Eldercare is very difficult to understand until you are in the middle of it. Your sister needs to get educated because the dementia is likely to get worse requiring more resources and she needs to be prepared in case her care falls to her. She will stop bothering you about the money once she starts to understand. If she refuses, as many family members do, then you just have to remind yourself that she has no right to complain. Let it roll off your back. You have important work to do taking care of Dad.

Brenda, it sounds to me like you aren’t even interested in the amount of money he’s paying you, which shows what kind of daughter you are. Your dad is lucky to have you.
I don’t think you’ll ask for more, which you’re certainly entitled to- but your sisters selfish bullying has got to stop. Send her a message, explaining that you’re giving her one last shot to be supportive with your dad’s decision to pay you. Anything less than “thank you so much for taking care of our dad” - or you’re blocking her. She can come visit your dad, but you are entitled to cut this negativity out of your life.
Good luck with everything. When it’s all said and done, you can go to sleep at night with a clear conscience. Your sister, well, let’s hope she snaps out of it.

I feel like this is really the minimum for all that you do. Services charge families $26/hour where I live. You’re helping your dad save money and you’re doing this work w love and care. He’s lucky to have you. And so is your sister - because you are helping conserve the family’s assets.

My sisters and brother don’t even visit my mother. I don’t get any compensation and hired an outside caregiver to help 8 hours a day so I can run errands and get a short nap before my shift starts again. My siblings rarely even call my mother and have accused me of taking my mother’s money and spending it on myself so I went to an attorney to see where I stand. The attorney suggested mediation because 2 of the worst accusers would not comply with anything. I wonder who will take care of her if I was in the hospital and they had to pay the monthly expenses??

It’s sad for your sister to feel that way. Your father will end up paying more if he uses an agency to provide half of the care he got from you. We pay $1100/month for someone to come in just to be with our 86 years old mom 5hrs/day and 5 days/week. Taking care of elder is More then a full time job and if I were you I would not even pay attention to her. If she still have an issue with that then have her contact your father’s lawyer herself. Your sister should be thankful that her father received a good care from his own family member. Keep up with providing a good to your dad and you will get great blessing from it🤗

$1000 seems more than reasonable. I would encourage you to take your contract and your situation of payment for your work to a Medicaid attorney, so you are clear on what is allowable should dad ever need Medicaid for long term care (nursing home). Not an elder care attorney, but a Medicaid attorney -- just to be clear.

Your sister is selfish and jealous but yet sits home on her hands. He is being more than fair. My own sister used to only get a hundred a month but didn't do as much as you do. It is fair....