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It infuriates me when the siblings who are uninvolved with care for their parents gripe about the money!!
My parents are nearly 90 but still live independently with a lot of help from me with meals three times a week, appts, daily meds, and housecleaning. They gift me about the same amount that you receive for doing a whole lot more than I do. If my siblings were to complain (and they won’t) I would ask my parents for more not less!!
What is your time worth? You cannot replace a family member who takes on the full-time job of that type of situation. Safety and security is what you provide with the everyday caregiver duties...that is priceless. BTW; you don't say where you are from but current wage for just 8 hrs of daily personal care like that is spendy.
If sister continues with her behavior I would suggest she visit the lawyer so that she gets the skinny. Let her know the charge for her visit comes out of the inheritance.
If you haven't, make up a care-plan that addresses the behavior to be observed when in the house visiting dad for a comfortable and stress free millieu. If you are not keeping a chart of daily activities, etc.. start. Nothing fancy; a notebook: date at top where you jot down (handwritten if you want) what went down during the day in a few words at the end of the day. ex: "Dad took meds in am and pm, went to bathroom 4 times today with stool x1, other sister came over blah blah." dames314 is also great advice. Also, sign and date end of each entry in dad's journal.
Make sure you have supplies if/when the physical state calls for. I will tell you writing in a journal of your own would help you too. Self authoring (diary) can keep you sane. 2 journals...1 for what goes on with dad on the daily and 1 for you for your therapy of self-authoring. The daily account of dad would be looked as a legal document to protect yourself.
Stand strong girl: your father is so lucky to have you by his side. Bless you and your father...
And this does not mean you have to charge that much because maybe your dad can’t possibly afford it. Very few can.
But any amount under this amount that you and your dad agree to pay you is between you and him since it’s his money and YOU are doing the caregiving and house management.
My father is 91 and now in the final stage of dementia. He’s still at home precisely because I’ve been his caregiver/manager for 2 1/2 years. When family pushed back and decided they were too busy to help (leaving me completely alone to handle it all), I went to an attorney with someone else as the POA and told them I would be paid and we would need to hire people 24/7 for days I cannot be there. I have my own home and family to care for yet practically lived at my dad’s for the first 7 months. Had they been willing to help with his care, I would have done it for nothing. Now He pays out nearly $8,000 per month (most to caregivers I hired privately by word of mouth). It would be about twice that if we had chosen a home health agency. My dad has the income fortunately so we rarely have to access his savings. I still get complaints out of the other 5 siblings but I just pull out the fact sheet and that shuts down any argument without me having to be upset.
I’m sure your dad feels very honored and blessed to have a daughter who is willing to do for him what you are doing. Keep up your chin and your way of honoring your dad in ways no facility ever would.
Find out the going rate for caregivers in your area. Seems you are wearing yourself OUT. You need to re-assess your situation. See an attorney. None of this makes sense. Based on the information shared, sounds like you are being taken advantage of.
We are in an Assisted Living place and the cost per each of us per month is $ 7500.00, memory care is over $ 7500.00
Do see a lawyer and draw up a new contract including payment to SS, so when you will retire you will have some compensation.
Usually a caregiver earns 170.00 dls a day as live in.
So, been her daughter I would live it as it is.
I took care of my mother and my brother paid me 60 a week.
But I was in Mexico.
Plus all the stress, lack of sleep and other things that comes with the job... Nobody appreciate it.
So, tell your sister shutt her or do the care for him.
1000 is not too much — and likely sis knows this all ready
Last fall, when I went on a pre-planned vacation, my daughter who lives with us and works full-time was unable to care for my mom during the day hours, so we hired an agency aide at a cost of $25/hr for a 40-hr week. That was $1,000 for 40 hours, 1 week, not even a month.
Additionally, my Mom sounds about like your dad physically; she is 95 and forgetful. When we went to her eldercare attorney last year, the attorney suggested the same kind of contract as your dad drew up and the amount was identical to what your dad decided and you receive. We didn't do it at the time, and then all the things going on this year, I've kind of forgotten, but after reading your letter, I think we need to do this. It surely would help me as I am not working.
Tell your sister that no live-in private aide would would work for $6.25 / hour ( $250/wk divided by 40 hrs = $6.25 ), not even counting living there and being available for all the other 148 hours of the week, during the evenings and nights.
You definitely deserve it! This is not even taking into consideration, the lack of time for you to have a personal life.
As others have mentioned, I would tell sister she's completely correct! You need to shred your current "contract" and build a completely new one. One price for Dad's room and board, then another price for your work as his caretaker. If sister doesn't like it, she can take him in and take over, or shop around for prices at 55+ communities.
Perhaps the sister would like to do the job for $300 a month . This is a really hard job.
If she brings it up again, you might ask her if she knows of a service that would do all that you handle for dad for the $300 that she is offering. Or offer her to split the $1000 and she can come stay with dad 1/2 of the month and you the other half. When/if dad reaches a point you can no longer care for him in the home, she'll find out what facility care costs. While she may have no experience with facility care, those who observe what goes on in many facilities will find the fee for the services is way beyond the actual care patients receive.
As for the attorney, the contract and the amount - did dad know what he was doing 2 years ago? Let's just say sis is right and you wrangled a deal, unless you are getting a lot of other benefits on the side, you're still available to care for him to the tune of about $1.40 and hour. If you get extras, see what those are worth and divide by the 720 hours in a 30 day period and see what your services are worth.
Oh, I would see an attorney alright. A certified elder law attorney and get that caregiver agreement re-written ASAP for a higher amount WAY higher, and get some guidance on your own tax situation to make sure your own income taxes and social security are tended to as needed. Some people with dementia are still capable of knowing enough in the moment to be able to sign a document with an attorney assuring of that and having a witness present. They can educate your father in the moment of what the going rate is, which is typically no less than $20/hr. EVEN with an 8 hour day/7 days a week that is already over $1K PER WEEK.
YOU ARE NOT BEING OVERPAID. HE IS LUCKY TO HAVE YOU.
And I'd tell that sister of yours SHE can take over and take care of Dad for $75 A WEEK 24/7. What planet was she born on??
Then tell her you would gladly split care and money with her two weeks on two weeks off. Bet she'd change her tune when she realized it's not easy.
Dont listen to people including relatives who do nothing to help. $1000. Is cheap!
Be sure to take time for yourself. I’ve been where you are.
Tell your sister you are glad to have her take over the job any day so you can get a real job; anyone else you do this live in work for would double your salary in a second.
That is $250. A week.
That is nothing.
Im glad you get something.
My mom lives with me and my husband. We get nothing.
No rent. No bills helped with.
She has money.
Im afraid to ask for financial help.
I have 6 brothers and sisters.
Im sure if I was to get any money they would have a problem with it except for 1 or 2 of them.
I take care of mother because I want to but it would be nice to have a little help.
If you went to a nursing home as a job . You would get paid a lot more than $250. A week.
Its a 27/7 job when it come to taking care of a parent at home.
People who take care of their parents ,and do a great job, are exceptional people.
Keep up the good work.
Why should you finance your siblings inheritance?
Go to www.nelf.org and find a certified elder law attorney in your area and rectify this injustice.
If you lay down, people WILL use you as a doormat. Stand up and make this situation right. If they don't like it they can take over moms care free of charge. If mom doesn't like it she can move. You are no longer a child to be controlled, you are a grown woman with a life of her own that is being sacrificed to care for your mom, the very least that she could do is pay her own way.