My boyfriend and I are closing on a house next week, we’ve been renting for the past year. He just found out that his mom has squandered away over 100k in the past 4-5 years from her reverse mortgage and is now worried about money to support herself. He said if she needed to move in with us she would, didn’t ask, just said if she needed to she would. She is 84 and stubbornly unsafe and a huge fall risk with everything she does. I do not want or feel responsible for taking care of her as she gets further along and more disabled. I have met her twice and have no connection to her and I’m not even married to her son yet. I have a back injury that won’t even make it possible to help her with the slightest of transfer tasks. My boyfriend works 10-11 hour shifts and says he’ll take care of her and I’ve told him he has no idea what 24/7 care for an adult who out weighs him or I is like. I took care of my father who had a severe stroke almost ten years ago and it was mentally the hardest thing I have ever done and my thyroid basically died from all the stress involved but I loved him to death and I’d kill myself to do it again if he were still alive. I also don’t want her to pass away in my house as he thinks is only a matter of time. I don’t want to find her dead one day or have my son find her. I don’t want her dying in this house we are starting our new life in after my divorce from a 20 year marriage. I don’t love or even respect my boyfriends mother, she is the reason why my boyfriend is so lazy and disrespectful at times and I shouldn’t have to pay 35k of my own money for a down payment on a house we share ownership of (he isn’t putting anything down, but is going to make the mortgage payments once we are in) to be forced to care for his mother and support her living with us for what could be 10 more years. He has no idea what could happen and how much care she will need. Her living with us would be like having a permanent house guest that is a stranger to me. We don’t have room for her and she will have to live downstairs and come upstairs for everything she needs. I swear if my boyfriend says we have to give her our master bedroom upstairs because she “deserves the best room in the house” I think I may explode. He lets her have the best room anywhere they go on vacation and would make me sleep on the floor to give her the king bed somewhere instead of letting her sleep in the twin bed so everyone has a bed so I wouldn’t put that past him. He can’t afford to pay to have someone take care of her 24/7, and I know he will eventually use that as an excuse for why I have to take care of her since I dont work full time (which the part time job I have may not last long due to my back injuries). I paid extra to have the third bedroom for my 20yo daughter, who may return home one day and I’ll need to help her (my responsibility) to get back on her feet. His mom could sell her house and live on the 100k proffit for several years without coming straight here, but he’s telling her things like “we’d love to have you here, we’ll have a blast”, not “well if we need to have you live here because of financial issues, you’re more than welcome”….I have told him that her living downstairs and sharing a bathroom with my son and not having anything she owns here and no family or friends and having lived her whole life in one town is ridiculous, she won’t be happy. She won’t see her son more than an hour a day and I am not going to become her sole caregiver and make myself Ill and further injure myself. My daughter won’t even be able to visit if she lives here because there would be nowhere for her to stay. We aren't even married and I think every possible alternative should be exhausted before even mentioning that she move in, but he’s acting like it’s happening and he’s getting her all hyped up thinking she’s coming here to live with us.
There are many posts on this forum where a OP moved a parent in and when the caring got too much, they couldn't get the patent out. One reason, the parent wouldn't go.
Tell him that he is not responsible to physically care for his Mom. If he is working and needs to work for more years, he should not even consider her moving in. If she is afraid of not having enough money, then maybe your BF should take over her finances. He budgets her money. Get rid of credit cards. At 84 she shouldn't need much. My Mom chose not to have credit cards. If she couldn't with pay cash, she didn't get it. Get her a card where so much is put on it a month and when its gone its gone. Keep her in her house as long as possible. When she needs help, you go from there. He can care for Mom without her living with you.
He has made it clear that he WILL do whatever he feels he needs to and it doesn't matter what you say, do or feel. This is from your own words here. You are not hearing him and you will pay the price for thinking you can change his declared stance.
Quite frankly I could never understand why any self respecting woman would marry a mommy's boy. Personally, I wanted and got a real man.
I think you know the answer or you wouldn't have posted. Back out now. Do not put any money down and if you have to, pay the penalty for backing out. Then re-evaluate your relationship. What I see is you ending up paying the rent and all Mom's needs. Me, I would be finding a place of my own. You are going from the fire into the frying pan. You deserve much more than this man is willing to give. No matter what you say to him, you will become Moms caregiver.
He is not the man for you. He is looking for you to bankroll a house for him and his Mum and to be her full time caregiver. Run while you still can.
Edited:
I just read your reply that was posted when I first made my post.
I really truly hope you consider getting therapy asap. I hear echoes in your words of things I woudl have said years ago, when I thought I had firm boundaries, but in reality was bring gas lighted.
Your boyfriend is not going to "hear" what you have to say about the amount of work and level of care his mother will need in the future. He just does not want to hear it.
Your last line:
"Once I voiced my concerns he apologized and said he didn’t think he was making it a demand, he just meant that if she needed anything he would have to do whatever she needed to take care of her." He needs to sit down right now and think about how HE is going to provide care, especially as SHE will not be in YOUR house.
visit and now that won’t be what it’s used for and I should have an equal say in who lives in our house. I couldn’t qualify for a loan by myself, and he couldn’t make a large down payment but could easily get a loan because he has a great job. It’s an equal financial deal and he treats it as such, he just thinks he has no choice but to move her in with us. He’s the only child or family she has so he feels extremely guilty. I have laid out my boundaries and I will stick to them, I just don’t think he realizes that I won’t back down or give in when it affects my health or my children. I only feel He’s disrespectful in the sense that he thinks his mom has the RIGHT to live here, he’s not taking into account that it’s my home too and just because he has obligations and responsibilities to her, that doesn’t mean I do. I think it’s disrespectful that he thought it was a GIVEN that she would move in, not to ask what I thought about it first. Once I voiced my concerns he apologized and said he didn’t think he was making it a demand, he was shocked at her news about her financial mess and he just meant that if she needed anything he would have to do whatever she needed to take care of her, not even the moving in specifically, just in general. He wanted me to know we might be strapped for cash if he needed to help her out was his point.
Of course your daughter is on HER own also, and just as well. We own a two flat and live in the upper. Our agreement before buying is that NO FAMILY or FRIENDS EVER live downstairs. Has worked for 34 years really really well.
I hope you feel better for venting (I mean it, I hope you feel better), and I hope he's calmed down a bit too, and perhaps both of you could ask MIL what the situation is and what she wants to do about it.
And if you really can't discuss this issue in a constructive way, the two of you, presenting a supportive but united front to other people you care about - then why are you buying a house together? Maybe you're dodging a bullet.
Break up with the "boyfriend".
These two sound like professional grifters.
Don't be their victim.
understand this isn’t a good knee jerk solution to her problem and that it’s not being disrespectful to her to try and find other ways to fix it without her moving in with us for what could be a long time and he just has no idea what caregiving entails.
Sorry, sounds like he is using you and creating a situation where you will be financially dependent on him. Red flags of abuse are frantically waving as I read this.
If you buy this house, this is what your life will be. A lazy, disrespectful male, doing whatever he wants, regardless of how it effects you.
You should run now and let him figure it out with his mommy.
I think it's you that needs some help here and need to reevaluate what exactly you're doing here. This is not going to get any better you know. You and your children deserve so much better. But I don't think you know that yet. You obviously have had issues in your past that makes you believe that you deserve to be disrespected and have to support a man.
I'm here to tell you that you're doing it all wrong, and I hope after you read more of the responses on here that you will have a "lightbulb" moment, and perhaps even back out of the closing of the house. That is unless it's just for you and your children.
YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!