My boyfriend and I are closing on a house next week, we’ve been renting for the past year. He just found out that his mom has squandered away over 100k in the past 4-5 years from her reverse mortgage and is now worried about money to support herself. He said if she needed to move in with us she would, didn’t ask, just said if she needed to she would. She is 84 and stubbornly unsafe and a huge fall risk with everything she does. I do not want or feel responsible for taking care of her as she gets further along and more disabled. I have met her twice and have no connection to her and I’m not even married to her son yet. I have a back injury that won’t even make it possible to help her with the slightest of transfer tasks. My boyfriend works 10-11 hour shifts and says he’ll take care of her and I’ve told him he has no idea what 24/7 care for an adult who out weighs him or I is like. I took care of my father who had a severe stroke almost ten years ago and it was mentally the hardest thing I have ever done and my thyroid basically died from all the stress involved but I loved him to death and I’d kill myself to do it again if he were still alive. I also don’t want her to pass away in my house as he thinks is only a matter of time. I don’t want to find her dead one day or have my son find her. I don’t want her dying in this house we are starting our new life in after my divorce from a 20 year marriage. I don’t love or even respect my boyfriends mother, she is the reason why my boyfriend is so lazy and disrespectful at times and I shouldn’t have to pay 35k of my own money for a down payment on a house we share ownership of (he isn’t putting anything down, but is going to make the mortgage payments once we are in) to be forced to care for his mother and support her living with us for what could be 10 more years. He has no idea what could happen and how much care she will need. Her living with us would be like having a permanent house guest that is a stranger to me. We don’t have room for her and she will have to live downstairs and come upstairs for everything she needs. I swear if my boyfriend says we have to give her our master bedroom upstairs because she “deserves the best room in the house” I think I may explode. He lets her have the best room anywhere they go on vacation and would make me sleep on the floor to give her the king bed somewhere instead of letting her sleep in the twin bed so everyone has a bed so I wouldn’t put that past him. He can’t afford to pay to have someone take care of her 24/7, and I know he will eventually use that as an excuse for why I have to take care of her since I dont work full time (which the part time job I have may not last long due to my back injuries). I paid extra to have the third bedroom for my 20yo daughter, who may return home one day and I’ll need to help her (my responsibility) to get back on her feet. His mom could sell her house and live on the 100k proffit for several years without coming straight here, but he’s telling her things like “we’d love to have you here, we’ll have a blast”, not “well if we need to have you live here because of financial issues, you’re more than welcome”….I have told him that her living downstairs and sharing a bathroom with my son and not having anything she owns here and no family or friends and having lived her whole life in one town is ridiculous, she won’t be happy. She won’t see her son more than an hour a day and I am not going to become her sole caregiver and make myself Ill and further injure myself. My daughter won’t even be able to visit if she lives here because there would be nowhere for her to stay. We aren't even married and I think every possible alternative should be exhausted before even mentioning that she move in, but he’s acting like it’s happening and he’s getting her all hyped up thinking she’s coming here to live with us.
I can't imagine BF would want a grown daughter who can't get life together squatting with you. The fact that you even think she might ever is like him saying mom can stay temporarily. You are both being solutions to people who should have figured it out on their own but aren't.
Don't do the closing and find some other way to provide some place for your daughter. Better yet tell her she's a grownup now and her housing will no longer be your problem no matter what.
point and i needed to always have a room available for that. I discussed and he agreed to this long before he ever even came to live with me in the house we rent now and he was completely on board. His mother has never been addressed as an issue or discussed as being a possibility of having to live with us at any point until
last week. And I was not asked if it was ok, the subject was not discussed and no compromise or consideration of my needs or feelings about it were heard.
As soon as he told me her situation I have offered to stop the sale of the house because I thought he needed to take care of her and her financial issues and not also have me and a mortgage on his plate. I said you should find a place to live with her that’s one floor and accessible to her needs and you could have some
one care for her while
youre at work. But he said he refuses to put our lives on hold for her, which is not a mommas boy attitude, but he won’t tell her that she needs to sell her home and pay for her own mistakes until
she can’t any longer (and then and only then will he start supporting her financially) because he doesn’t want to upset her or go against what she wants. (Which is where his mommas boy attitude comes back.) Somehow I’m the bad guy for even offering to give up the house so he can take care of her because I’m not wanting to have her in my home. But who wants a MIL living with them hemestly, not many. And especially when their care and financial issues are going to affect you and your health and prevent you from caring for your own obligations.
As for your actual question, convincing your boyfriend that Mom should not move in, you are correct that he does not understand how difficult it will be. He seems to be acting from emotions and a sense of responsibility, not reality. You want him to learn from what you went through taking care of your dad, and you say you'd do it again for your dad. You won't do it for his mother. You are clear on that because you know what it involves. But you must understand that he feels the way about his mom that you felt for your dad. He does not understand because he has not experienced it yet.
What you can do is help him find another solution. She says she'd like to live closer to him. Believe that, instead of going off on how she won't see the grandkids, and get her to sell her house and find a care home for her close to you, or rather to her son, as you don't seem to have a good relationship with her. That way he can be involved in her care by visiting and making sure she has what she needs, manage her finances for her, but still work at his job. Try to make it clear to him that the two of you do not need to provide for his mom financially by sacrificing part of your home and all that you work hard for.
I don’t know her any better than my grocery checker, we don’t have any type of relationship, good bad or otherwise, she is a stranger to me. I don’t dislike her at all, I just don not
want to end up caring for her 24/7 when she is permanently forced upon me without my consent because she is living in my home. He didn’t think ahead about what her living here would mean for ME because it’s his mommy and he thinks she will just take care of herself like she always has, but she’s 84 and from what I’ve seen and heard. she is on the verge of becoming very immobile and that is a HUGE problem since she will
be in a room downstairs, with me unable to help her even transfer from a chair to standing, much less up stairs, on and off the toilet, in and out of the shower, in and out of bed and so on. I can’t physically even help her stand up without hurting myself so I am terrified for her to live here, because when all is said and done, I would hurt myself to help her if she needed it, I can’t neglect her, it’s not in my character and he knows that and I’m scared he’s going to take advantage of that, or simply take it for granted that I’ll make it work out like I’m know n to do. I’m trying to protect myself, before it’s too late. She tripped beside me the second time I saw her and i instinctively grabbed her before she fell off the sidewalk on a short 10 foot walk and then I had to lay down with a muscle relaxer and ice pack on my back for the next two days in a room by myself while my BF and his kids and her went out and about the whole time and I had no help or food in the house because it was a rental for the week. I had to call my BF by dinner time the first day and ask if they were coming back for dinner and they were already eating out somewhere without a thought about the person who saved grandma from falling in the road the day before, she s fine and I’m just being a baby laying in bed all day is the vibe i got from them. My BF apologized profusely and said he forgot there wasn’t anything in the house to eat and he thought I’d be asleep and didn’t want to wake me but gone for 8 hours and nobody is checking on me, I’m not going to get any consideration for when I am left to care for his mom all
day when I can’t physically be helping her do anything. I know where I’ll be if she moves in, having surgery to fuse my discs in my lower back that I’ve tried for 30 years to avoid. And who is going to take care of me and my son then, not his 84 yo mother and not him because he can’t stay home to care for his mother, he certainly cant
do it for me, I understand someone has to make the money to pay for the house and everything, but that’s why I don’t want to injure myself for her care, then he’d have two disabled women in his hands. He just doesn’t plan ahead or think things through and it makes me come off as selfish because I say I’m not taking care of your mom because I know immediately all
that that entails having done it before and I have told him
what it did to my mental
and physical health and he still
just says “but im not asking you to take care of her, she doesn’t need help now and I’ll take care of her” but that is an empty promise because he can’t quit his job to do it 24/7, he can’t afford to take her bills on and pay for someone to come to the house and take care of her all day, and he will expect me to do it when the 💰is gone
This will not work you are best going your separate ways using that 35k to get yourself a nice apartment.
You are a grownup and you have all the facts. If you DON'T have the facts you can avail yourself of a real estate attorney, a trust and estate attorney or a general attorney to GET the facts. Your realtor is your guide. If they misinform you (get it in writing) there goes their license to practice. RealyReal says below that one of your updates said that you will not be on the deed. I don't think that's possible because I don't believe anyone is that clueless, but quite honestly I haven't followed ever piece of new information drop by drop. If that IS the case--if you put in 35,000 on a home you will not be buying, not be on the deed of--then add a good psychologist to the above experts. (Sorry, I get more blunt as the answers pile up, and was never one to believe we always have to be kind; some OPs need to be awakened and kind just doesn't do that; I am more a tough love type).
It sounds to me in general like there are really nebulous rules, little understanding, and lots of argument about lots of things going here. You have known this person since childhood, but there has been no agreement about marriage or really melding lives.
As I said, be certain you and your money are LEGALLY protected, stop arguing things, and when you don't like outcomes, sell that house. As long as you are on the deed (and NOT married) you can force a sale even if both your names are on the deed. I think in your case it is a very lucky thing you aren't married.
Sure wish you good luck. Any time I see a thread on Forum that goes over 60 answers I know we are either bickering with one another or in some very muddy waters, indeed. Seems a case of muddy waters here. We all live with different senses of "order" in our lives; that's fine.
Sounds like a lot of issues that may come home to roost, whether grown kids or aged Moms. The bright side to that is that you won't be bored! Good luck.
He has already started a deal breaker argument, I don't think he will sign anything. Then it is on her to pursue the refund legally.
He'll tell her mommy is moving in, like it or lump it. Of course, she won't be able to do anything because she has given him her nest egg.
I agree with adult children living in. Time to put on their big girl and boy undies. It, also, makes it really hard to say no to his family members without coming across as a tw...
Muddy waters indeed.
First, do not buy that house with your BF. Refuse to sign and get your money back.
Second, do not marry this guy. He's disrespectful to you by already telling you how it's going to be without any consideration to you.
Third, by buying the house and marrying this guy, his mom's care will come down to you cause he's already wrapped up in his head you know how to be a caregiver and you'll do it for him.
Fourth I'm seeing so many red flags in your situation, I'm not understanding why you don't.
Fifth, if you go through with this fiasco, you've only got yourself to blame.
Sixth, think of yourself first in this situation because it's obvious you're boyfriend doesn't give a hoot about you or you wouldn't be telling us your story.
Good luck, stay strong and DON'T GIVE IN!
Believing that he will add her name through a quit claim deed, on a mortgaged house, sometimes down the road.
You are either totally insane or completely desperate to buy this house without being on the mortgage and title putting 35k down. Or should I say giving your BF 35k to buy a house because you aren't buying anything as the deal goes.
the sale of her house. To be clear, she still owns the house and owes 100k from the reverse mortgage but when it sells for around 250k she will have the remaining 150k and her SS and pension to live on, really no reason to live with us do to financial reasons like I said a while back. I told him I was sorry if I came of selfish about not wanting to take care of her physically but I have been used as a work horse before in my last marriage and I see the signs quickly when people know I’ll take something on if they don’t feel like or can’t do something and I just refuse to let myself be in that position again of doing too much while others watch and take it for granted and I may not have been as tactful as I should have been in explaining that it was the work and strain and stress of taking care of her I was refusing, not that I did t or would t want to help her if I could. Thank you to everyone who gave constructive advice about how to make my concerns known and how to look into the quit claim Mumbo jumbo. I’m meeting with the closing lady and a lawyer on Monday with my BF to see what we need to do and all the scenarios. Again, thanks and sorry I vented so much, it’s a stressful time in my life and I appreciate the time each one of you took to give me examples of life lessons you’ve learned. Much love to you all!
I don't know if it's too late for you to back out of buying property with him. I hope it's not.
This situation is not going to work out for the best even if his mother never gets to the point where she needs care. What will happen is you will be competing with mom for your man's attention and affection. I hate to lay it on you, but if he put you on the floor so mommy could have the bed on the vacation I'm sure you paid your share for, he will always choose mom.
If she should get dementia or need caregiving, that will fall on you by default for two reasons.
1) You're a woman and women always get the drudgery and grunt work that is elder caregiving settled on them like a yoke.
2) You're in a relationship with her son. Even if you don't get married she's still your de-facto MIL, and they will both think you owe her.
This is a woman who blew through 100 grand in a few years. What was the reason for that? Did she have no other income to live on? Was it very high medical expenses? Or does she just like to spend money and figured her son would take care of her after the money runs out?
Unless you can get it in legal writing that your man's mother will not be moving into your new home, back out of buying the place. If you can't back out then never forget that it's also your house and you will not allow her to move in. Then the ball is in your boyfriend's court. It sounds mighty likely to me after reading the comments, that your boyfriend will burn you when it comes time to put your name on the deed of the house.
You cannot allow this. The moment your money gets accepted is when your name goes on that house, understand?
You're not married to him and your reasons are your own for that. If you were you would have legal rights.
Your boyfriend feels responsible to help his mother.
He sees two ways to do that: 1. Pay for her housing/living expenses or 2. Move her into his space.
He does not consider you a factor in this equation.
This is the definition of "being used".
We have heard of the concept " A man is not a financial plan", right? MIL hasn't..
I've met older ladies who indeed had that plan. Husband died? They look to their son.
Run far away from this whole set up. You are in a trance. It happens. Wake up.
Do you have the funds to close?
Do you know what the charge for the quit claim deed will be?
Did you have the home inspected?
We HAD an inspection. But inspections don't include the sewer lines that run to the street. Yup, ours broke a couple of months after we moved in. Cost us $1800. In 1980. Probably 10K these days.
This is from a site called consumer-action.org
"Before You Add Someone To Your Title
There are just a few valid reasons to amend your homeownership by adding another person’s name to the title to your home. This is also called transferring title. If you transfer all or part of your ownership to another person, you lose control.
Legitimate reasons to amend your home’s title:
You wish to add your spouse to the title.
You are selling the property.
You are borrowing against your home equity and you are required to amend your title to give the lender a security interest in your property.
You could lose your rights if you add someone to your title under the following circumstances:
Allowing someone to “hold” the deed temporarily.
Adding a person other than a spouse or child to the title can result in higher property taxes.
A deedholder (even one who holds only a percentage of the property) can take out mortgages and loans, tear down your house or sell the property.
A deed transfer may trigger a full payment on your mortgage."
Will you be added to the title as Joint tenant in entirety, Joint tenant with right of survivorship? There are several ways titles to be shared. Please find out what the implications of each are.
https://www.investopedia.com/articles/mortgages-real-estate/08/title-ownership-property.asp
There's a site called www.bogleheads.org that has great financial information and advice.
Hey I get having a man that won't look at houses (considers that shopping) & won't much look at finances. Luckily I am happy to do both! My man probably has the genes to stalk & kill prey. But not cave finding or berry picking..
You are getting your house. Tick. You are getting your name on the deed for your money. Tick. The man knows your position regarding MIL care. Tick. High 5!
You have made your boundary clear. That's GREAT. That's within the boundaries lof what you can do. Maybe the man gets it.. Maybe he hears you but doesn't get it yet.. no matter. It's clear.
The was an amazing poster named Dorker who battled for years with her lovely DH over MIL care. He just wanted *family* to save her/serve her. Regardless of her bad decisions on reverse mortgages, firing help or whatever. He had been trained long & hard to be The Good Son. He kept on about their spare bedroom.. 'the yellow bedroom'.. oh couldn't she just move in?... *family* can care for her.
Family being: all adult kids left home, he worked 6 long houred days a week so that only left Dorker, who worked part-time & babysat for the Grands. Just as you said, he thought HIM wanting to help was some some of proxy or her.
Why are some folk so thick on this she asked? We asked? I ask now!
F.O.G Fear Obligation Guilt
Fear of saying no to Mom. Obligation The Good Son has to help/save. Guilt if he doesn't.
Once that FOG clears - hopefully he can see. It's simple really - You spend your money Mom - you deal with it.
and that she was essentially stealing the room from me, and that her son was not paying for this house on his own, that’s it’s actually mine as well, she wouldn’t be so ready to accept the invitation from her son, fake or real. I am very disappointed to find out that renting her house may not be possible due to the reverse mortgage issues. I will look into that because my BF really thinks she will
refuse to sell anytime soon and that would mean she needs to be financially supported and he thinks the best way to do that is save money by her living here and that’s not going to save my sanity!
Please read this. A quit claim deed does not carry any guarantee that the grantor actually owns the property.
So....he could get the deed, sell the house to his mother the next day and quit claim it 30 days later, making you believe that you are now on the deed.
Except you're not.
Or, he could quit claim it to his mom. And then to you. Meaning now she's on the deed.
And there is NO RECOURSE. Because a quit claim deed is NOT a warranty deed.
Grifters...
You need your own lawyer.
“You deserve an equal partnership with the mate you choose in life, where your voice is equally heard and considered before all decisions are made.”
I said almost the same
thing you wrote verbatim tonight before reading this. I insisted we talk about what options were feasible for his mother and her situation and I had what I think was an awesome idea that he seemed offended that I was thinking of ways to make her stay out of our house, which duh! He asked what my real issue was with not wanting his mother to live with us.
i said you have a responsibility to her but that doesn’t mean I do by proxy. I think she should be responsible for her actions and he is responsible for her choices and care when she needs it. I said my issue is that I don’t like being told that I’m selfish because I don’t want to take care of your responsibilities for you when you are pawning your “precious” mothers care off on me. That is the most disrespectful thing I think a son can do to his mother and his partner. I would never ask him to care for my mother or support her, especially as my BF, and the fact that he can’t understand that I know what this situation is going to turn into when she gets further along in disability is just ignorant. I’ve been through it already and I work with elderly people as my job. I said he is just putting his head in the sand and ignoring his responsibility to her and what’s best for her because he doesn’t want to deal with it, because it’s “too stressful” for him, (in his words) so not to tell me I’m selfish or disrespectful because I owe her nothing and she’s a stranger to me. And the mere thought of her living here, even if I don’t have to care for her yet stresses me out so much Ive felt sick the past couple days worrying about it and haven’t slept and you don’t care that im
Stressing and I’m the only one trying to find her the best care and solution to her problems so I am being more respectful to her in my opinion. I said what have you come up with and he said again, he didn’t want to think about it, and I said I don’t have that luxury because her living here would make me homeless and I’m not letting someone run me out of my own home, so I’m trying to be the responsible one, up to the point of finding a better solution than her living here and me ending up being her sole caregiver because you aren’t home to do it. So my idea was to have her rent her house, she could get $2200 a month easy and make it the renters responsibility to mow the yard that costs her $100/wk in the summer and that, plus her SS and pension would be more than enough to support her even without selling her house. She could sell when she was ready and just live comfortably on the renters dime. She could even keep all her furniture for now and store most of it and then rent a smaller, one level, more manageable safer home. She could also sell the 30-40k car she bought and get a lower payment for an older car and save another $200 that way. He was still only aggravated that I’d put so much thought into her “not” living here that he couldnt even be open minded about the idea. All he said afterwards was that she wouldn’t go for being a landlord or storing her furniture. I said then she can stay in her house and eat can tuna because she not living in our house rent free , making me her caregiver for free if she can’t do something to help herself out of the mess she created. She has to take responsibility for her circumstance and I’m not giving her the room I paid for to have my daughter live in if she needs it for someone who won’t do their part to help themselves. He was speechless and left the room, I was almost smiling when he left cause for him that means he heard it and he’s embarrassed that he finally got it and he’ll probably apologize before I’m asleep. Not that it makes up for his behavior, but to really truly be heard and understood is what I wanted more than anything, whether it changes his outlook or not.
Basically the lender has to agree to having OP added to the deed. This can be done before closing because the OP can have her name on the deed and not rhe actual mortgage payments. If lender wont agree to this before closing they probably won't agree to it after closing. What will OP do if she finds out she can't do a quitclaim and be added to the deed?
Wait until the dust settles and he finds a living arrangement for his mother - and perhaps he needs to be more involved in her finances going forward.
There will be other houses and opportunities when the timing is right and the stars are more aligned for this to happen - otherwise owning a home under the wrong circumstances will feel more like a burden than an advantage.
This really worries me.
If the loan is secured on the house, YOU will suffer the consequences of missed payments because the loan provider will own the house. That's what a mortgage is.
You don't have to lose your boyfriend over this.
Home buying is very stressful, and you don't really have all your ducks in a row yet.
Have you considered, with your back pain-that some treatments are not covered by insurance, and the expense of some treatments (say for example,
Prolia injections) @ approximately $2500 per injection will go through your $35 K quickly?
I never meant to get this drawn in by answering your question, but feel you are making at the very least, a financial mistake. People who are trying to help you are feeling for your situation. It also feels more urgent due to the time limit on your escrow. BTW, an escrow that you are not really a part of-on the title/deed.
Just FYI. an escrow company, upon receiving different escrow instructions from the new owners, will have to legally put a hold on the closing.
You both are not using an above board mortgage company, are you?
Have you gone to all the meetings with your boyfriend?
This cannot be right!
he is a grifter or scamming me. He doesn’t know about 70% of what all this house buying has entailed, he has entrusted it all
to me and just agreed and signed stuff he didn’t even read at times. I trust his character morally and ethically. My issue is that he is blinded by emotion for his moms situation and he is not taking everyone’s interests into account when offering his mom a place to live for free for a permanent solution without consulting me first. He’s thoughtless and reacts instead of thinking first in stressful
situations, especially about his mom. I just don’t want to be stuck living and caring for his mom for ten years because he didn’t think it through or ask if it was ok first before letting her think she was moving in. Thank you for all the care and concerned messages but if feel things have gotten off topic and morphed into other problems
im not concerned with. I see all the sides and understand and agree with a lot of the stuff people have brought up but my main concern was the just simply not being consulted first, the caregiving aspect that he didn’t understand was a part of it whether he thinks it is or not, and the fact that I did discuss and he did agree to me paying for the 3 bedroom to use for my daughter if she needed it TEMPORARILY and him basically giving it away to his mom without asking or paying for it essentially.
Now while MIL's finances are not my business (it is in fact only MIL's), I'd still like to comment.
Firstly, is 20-25K a year on food, living, home maintenance reasonable where you live? (It would be where I live).
But whether her funds were squandered irresponsibly (gambled, supported a luxury lifestyle etc) or responsibly, (merely to meet her bills) - if BF wants to help his Mom, financially, it can be to point her to the nearest elder advisory service & financial advice.
Saying 'come live with me' could be a throw away line. Not thought out at all.
PS by the way, do you suspect MIL spends her money on supporting her adult children??
wirh it and says I know more about the process so I have been the go to for the whole process so he’s not up
to anything with that. The realtor was my choice and he didn’t even see the house before we made an offer. As for my back, it’s an old, long standing injury that I’ve lived with and medicated, had procedures and therapy for over the past 30 years. I’m well aware that caring for his mom would destroy what I’ve worked so hard to prevent from
happening and that’s further injury or worsening of my currently somewhat better back health. That’s why I’m so worried about him forcing her care on me for
even a temporary basis because I know it only takes me trying to help
her out of a chair to tweak my back and then he’ll have to help me as well as her and my kid when I can’t walk upright. And I am very thankful for the constructive advise, that why I posted my concerns. I’m sorry if I haven’t said that before.
I have also been tempted to fire off an immediate response to a post, but force myself to wait so that I don't inadvertently offend someone asking for help. I appreciate you all and have been helped by many of your words. My goal now that I've lost my parents is to try to help others. Thank you for reading.
up like this and I can’t just say ok, whatever you want, I need to have my concerns heard and understood and work out a compromise. I was trying to find a better way to say I don’t want your mom living with us and not sound selfish, which I really am not, I just know from experience that he doesn’t have, that taking care of my dad after his stroke and his passing that it literally destroyed me emotionally and physically and I was trying to explain that I can’t do that again, especially for his mother (whom I don t know any better than the dentist), when I have my own mother and children to be responsible for. He just keeps saying he wasn’t asking me
to take care of her, but I can’t make him understand that the time will come when she will need care and if she’s in our house I can’t ignore that and he knows in the back of his mind that oh, My GF will take care of her because she’s my mom and I work and she’s there anyways. I feel
like he’s thinking once his mom is here I can’t refuse without being a total B!&$@ of a human and he knows I’m not. I wanted to make sure he understood that we needed to plan for every way to make that not something that needs to happen until it’s an absolute emergency, last resort, that she moves in, and that I still will not and can not be her caretaker. Period!
From all that you described, it sounds very complicated - with many unsettled issues. I truly feel that going forward the way things are is asking for a huge mistake ...and it only gets harder once the closing is finalized. Please see this as a "red flag" and be grateful that you have some time to take a breath and reconsider your plans.
Firstly, the fact that you said that your boyfriend is an "equal owner" on the onset when you're paying the entire down payment and it would take him a lot of mortgage payments to even reach that amount is already skewed and unbalanced. And now his mother coming into this - and her living arrangement hanging in limbo....I think you can see where this is going....many arguments between you and your boyfriend, aggravation....instability...it's a set-up for failure unfortunately.
If your boyfriend cannot arrange alternate living plans for his mom in advance of the closing, then I suggest taking a step back and perhaps cancel the closing (if you're unable to get a mortgage yourself). This isn't the right time and if your boyfriend wants to live with his mom, then I think he needs to find a place for them himself. He shouldn't have it both ways - and standing firm and doing what is best for you will benefit you in the end and bring you peace of mind. Wishing you the best of good wishes ~
Please understand being selfish is not a bad thing, if he feels you are selfish that is fine. You have every right to be selfish within your home and therefore space.
On a side note let us not have another thread get locked due to fighting. Multi-Generational Living seems to raise the temperature of the board. Not going to question the intention behind the boyfriend, it is noble. The thing you have to explain to him is the third room was never intended for that use, and had you known that was going the purpose of the room you never would have invested in the property end of story. Be clear and concise with him that having her stay with you even as an emergency is not acceptable. It is his mother you have no responsibility towards her, and if that is an issue he is free to leave.