My boyfriend and I are closing on a house next week, we’ve been renting for the past year. He just found out that his mom has squandered away over 100k in the past 4-5 years from her reverse mortgage and is now worried about money to support herself. He said if she needed to move in with us she would, didn’t ask, just said if she needed to she would. She is 84 and stubbornly unsafe and a huge fall risk with everything she does. I do not want or feel responsible for taking care of her as she gets further along and more disabled. I have met her twice and have no connection to her and I’m not even married to her son yet. I have a back injury that won’t even make it possible to help her with the slightest of transfer tasks. My boyfriend works 10-11 hour shifts and says he’ll take care of her and I’ve told him he has no idea what 24/7 care for an adult who out weighs him or I is like. I took care of my father who had a severe stroke almost ten years ago and it was mentally the hardest thing I have ever done and my thyroid basically died from all the stress involved but I loved him to death and I’d kill myself to do it again if he were still alive. I also don’t want her to pass away in my house as he thinks is only a matter of time. I don’t want to find her dead one day or have my son find her. I don’t want her dying in this house we are starting our new life in after my divorce from a 20 year marriage. I don’t love or even respect my boyfriends mother, she is the reason why my boyfriend is so lazy and disrespectful at times and I shouldn’t have to pay 35k of my own money for a down payment on a house we share ownership of (he isn’t putting anything down, but is going to make the mortgage payments once we are in) to be forced to care for his mother and support her living with us for what could be 10 more years. He has no idea what could happen and how much care she will need. Her living with us would be like having a permanent house guest that is a stranger to me. We don’t have room for her and she will have to live downstairs and come upstairs for everything she needs. I swear if my boyfriend says we have to give her our master bedroom upstairs because she “deserves the best room in the house” I think I may explode. He lets her have the best room anywhere they go on vacation and would make me sleep on the floor to give her the king bed somewhere instead of letting her sleep in the twin bed so everyone has a bed so I wouldn’t put that past him. He can’t afford to pay to have someone take care of her 24/7, and I know he will eventually use that as an excuse for why I have to take care of her since I dont work full time (which the part time job I have may not last long due to my back injuries). I paid extra to have the third bedroom for my 20yo daughter, who may return home one day and I’ll need to help her (my responsibility) to get back on her feet. His mom could sell her house and live on the 100k proffit for several years without coming straight here, but he’s telling her things like “we’d love to have you here, we’ll have a blast”, not “well if we need to have you live here because of financial issues, you’re more than welcome”….I have told him that her living downstairs and sharing a bathroom with my son and not having anything she owns here and no family or friends and having lived her whole life in one town is ridiculous, she won’t be happy. She won’t see her son more than an hour a day and I am not going to become her sole caregiver and make myself Ill and further injure myself. My daughter won’t even be able to visit if she lives here because there would be nowhere for her to stay. We aren't even married and I think every possible alternative should be exhausted before even mentioning that she move in, but he’s acting like it’s happening and he’s getting her all hyped up thinking she’s coming here to live with us.
my mil was upset with that and took me off her will. Okay, I was upset by that, but it would have been far worse having her live with me.
your boyfriend has no idea what it’s like caring to a elderly person. You need to be happy too.
Your position in this situation is the polar opposite of most. The OP has clearly stated she can not physically care for her BF's mother no matter what level of the house she is on. There is no warmth between the two. The mother requires care. How do you know the son will figure it all out when more care is needed? He has shown alot of behavior that is far from ideal in many ways including their relationship meaning that of the OP and himself. It seems far from ideal now. How is moving his mother in going to help any of that. The mother chose to take a reverse mortgage and then spent the money unwisely. SHE HAS NO INTEREST IN BEING HER CARETAKER. Why do you state that as a possibility?
She has been fortunate to receive the advice of so many. I am not including myself. The overwhelming opinions have been for her to not move forward financially, emotionally and realistically with the purchase of this house with all the circumstances involved.
Also, let me say this - don't move in with someone you're not married to!! It's not a good thing for you, your kids, him, or his kids. My objective opinion is that you have a whole host of problems and aggravations with him & the entire situation and you haven't even moved in together yet. If you are not on the same page now (financially, parenting style, major decisions about his mother) it's only going to get worse down the road.
Save yourself the grief, keep your money and put it on a house for just for your kids. Or continue to rent He can visit whenever the wants!
Also, what is his financial situation? Why is he not splitting the down payment with you? Agreeing to pay the mortgage payments and actually doing so are two different things. If you do end up moving in with this guy I certainly would not put the house in both of your names. Not without being married.
No judgment here, just looking out for you as I see this as a train wreck in the making.
Just ignore anyone who is judging your relationship, which you are obviously capable of dealing with yourself. The family arrangements with BF are unusual, but you both are using your own knowledge, your own principles, and appropriate professional assistance, to sort it out and keep it safe. Stick to it! Yours, Margaret
Please get your boyfriend to see a counsellor with you about his mom and her health issues. If you can't support his decision to allow his mom to move in with you, you will probably have problems supporting his other decisions in your - hopefully soon - marriage.
the 2nd and 3rd bedrooms are both downstairs, my son doesn’t have the bottom floor all to himself and he would be sharing the bathroom with her as well. And my BF is MORE than welcome to have all 3 of his kids live here and that is what we AGREED to before moving in together and before buying this house. He doesn’t support me or my son financially and if people would read everything that has been posted before going off on me then you would know this makes no sense. My issue is that I can’t and won’t take care of his 84 yo mother because I PHYSICALLY CANT and it’s not my responsibility to just because he wanted to move her in our house without consulting me and expect me to take care of her when she’s too much for me to handle and not my responsibility. I take care of my kid, I take care of myself, I pay for myself and my kid. I paid for the down payment and he was only going to make the mortgage payments for the new house for the next 2 years to bring us even with our monetary contribution to the house. He doesn’t own me or my time simply because I’m his GF and live in the same house. The point is that caring for a adult that’s going to be immobile soon is not easy or anywhere near the same as living with and caring for children that are all in high school. His moms care is not responsibility and if he wants to physically and financially take care of her, he can, howeve, he makes that happen, whether with money or by staying home and taking care of her himself. But it’s not my job simply because I’m a women and I’m home partime. I have my own back issues and I can’t physically help her out of a chair, much less anything else. My child doesn’t need that kind of physical care and neither do his children (who could all live here and camp out in the basement for all I care.) But his mother is a different story. She does have money to stay elsewhere, if he’d make or convince her that she had to use it basically because he won’t pay for her stuff when she has the funds to do so. . She could stay in a facility that would care for her safely and she doesn’t need to just be tossed onto my plate as a new job. He WAS very naively, just assuming that I could take care of all her needs, not realizing or thinking through what they were and how long she’d need to be cared for. But he has never even been around elderly people before and has no idea what it takes. He realizes NOW that it’s too much for me, not my responsibility and not just an easy way to solve his moms problems with money. when all he needs to do is just plan for her care somewhere else. What I hear you saying is that if I worked full time and he didn’t, but he had an injury and was home all day because he couldn’t work, (but he paid for all his bills and I wasn’t supporting him in any way) , that I too should be able to say, hey, my mom can’t take care of herself and she spent all her saving and won’t use the money she has to support herself, so now you have to take care of MY MOM 24-7 cause I’m moving her into the room downstairs that she can’t walk up from by herself….you have to help her with bathing, toileting, walking and she’s twice your size, OH and I don’t care what you think, you live here so just do it?
Not in any world is that ok. He is not my servant and I am not his. He has his responsibilities and I have mine and no one can dictate what you do 24/7z
Your son gives up the privilege of having the whole downstairs by himself. From now on he's in that third bedroom upstairs and she's down there. Make it clear he has to pay for aides to lift her, toilet her and entertain her. You will not have anything to do with her whatsoever.
Meanwhile, you can expect the same attitude for your own offspring. The 15-year-old is to be informed that on his 18th birthday or high school graduation, whichever comes last, he is to vacate the room so that you can have it for either Yhim or this daughter when she has palpitations.
If this sounds ludicrous, it is on both sides. You made it clear you don't care for MIL even beyond having to do the caregiving; you don't want to have a "family" relationship with his dependent. Yet you have injected at least one and want to make room for up to two and he's supposed to be fine with it.
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1) A relationship problem with a man who is dictating the future of YOUR life.
2) A financial problem when and if this all goes pear-shaped, you lose the money you have saved so far, and end up with a large debt on a foreclosed mortgage.
1) Go together for relationship counseling. Talking to a neutral third party should at least make you more aware of how deep the BF’s ‘decisions’ go.
2) See a lawyer about the property financial arrangements. The comments here about the risks are probably correct, but you will get a clearer picture (and take more notice) with legal advice.
Move ASAP on this. Postpone closing on the house. You are not forced to go ahead, and the damages from backing out may be far less than the financial risks you run if you get further into this. It’s very hard emotionally to change your mind, but it really is important here.
Best wishes, Margaret
to anyone else who is keeping op with this thread…..
I appreciate those who are trying to help and have constructive info and questions for me that are meant to then give informed advice having all the variables that are part of the situation known. I’m sorry if so many people felt the need to comment on my posts and ask questions and it made this so long but for those who are sick of reading this thread, just quit, you’re not being forced to comment or read and if you’re just complaining about something for no reason other than your own amusement as you said, just quit, I won’t be offended.
When you marry him, how will things change? Are you counting on him to change? And why would you marry him? What's in it for you? For him? When you marry someone, you (willingly or not) marry his family.
You really need to make a PLUS and MINUS sheet. List the good things about this relationship on one side, and the negative things on the other side. Then weigh the two sides and make a more informed decision.
It sounds to me like you are in love with being in love. This too shall pass. You don't need him nearly as much as he needs you!
Borrowing against the 401k might be a better idea as it does not create a taxable event.
Good luck.
I agree 💯 and I’m going to put her on lists for facilities myself, here and there, so if he doesn’t get around to it I’ll be covered. In the small town where she lives, you can be on lists for over a year and still no openings will show up, I’m not playing around with this one so I’m starting now. They wont have that as an excuse
come time for her to need one. I put my dad on a couple of lists there and I never got a call about a vacancy until after he had already passed away a year later. I’m more proactive about getting her into a facility obviously, since I dont want her to ever have to live here and have to care for her. So if they get mad I did their job for them I don’t really care because if they don’t do
it, then they lied about handling it themselves like he said he would. Either way she won’t be living here unless it to wait a couple months for her spot to open up here. I had to make a compromise and that was it. Fingers crossed!
"Actually he did apologize when he got home tonight. For not being honest about the fact that he did expect me to take “physical care” of his mother! He said he was offended that I didn’t offer to be her caregiver since I had done it for my dad years ago and he just assumed I’d offer because it’s his mom. I told him that with my back injury I had no way to do that and I assumed he knew that and was still telling me that he thought I had to do it anyway because he was going to move her in without asking. He also apologized for not asking me first and for going back on our agreement that I had paid for that extra room and it wasn’t his to give away without consulting me, end of story. He agreed his mom needs to take care of her own financial mistakes for now and sell her house or he won’t help her with her financial mess in the future. He said he realizes he was enabling her to keep misusing her budget by bailing her out and offering to take care of it for her without holding her accountable and letting her get herself out of this mess by selling her house, which she has refused to do out of pride he says. Apparently she feels it’s giving up to sell but she can’t keep it and still live on his dime. He is going to take out his 401k to match my down payment and add it to closing so we are exactly even Steven going forward and we each pay our own respective bills as we planned and half the mortgage each. We both agreed that If his mother needs to move in when she becomes disabled enough to need care it will only be temporary until she finds a faculty to help her and she will pay for her care out of her own pocket from
the sale of her house. To be clear, she still owns the house and owes 100k from the reverse mortgage but when it sells for around 250k she will have the remaining 150k and her SS and pension to live on, really no reason to live with us do to financial reasons like I said a while back. I told him I was sorry if I came of selfish about not wanting to take care of her physically but I have been used as a work horse before in my last marriage and I see the signs quickly when people know I’ll take something on if they don’t feel like or can’t do something and I just refuse to let myself be in that position again of doing too much while others watch and take it for granted and I may not have been as tactful as I should have been in explaining that it was the work and strain and stress of taking care of her I was refusing, not that I did t or would t want to help her if I could. Thank you to everyone who gave constructive advice about how to make my concerns known and how to look into the quit claim Mumbo jumbo. I’m meeting with the closing lady and a lawyer on Monday with my BF to see what we need to do and all the scenarios. Again, thanks and sorry I vented so much, it’s a stressful time in my life and I appreciate the time each one of you took to give me examples of life lessons you’ve learned. Much love to you all!"
If your boyfriend won't listen to what you want now what does the future look like to you? Think about it.
Were you simply asking for validation that you're right and he's wrong?
Or does that still small voice in the back of your head tell you that this is a terrible idea?
Whatever you decide, I wish you luck.
I would take that down payment money and get myself training for a job that doesn't hurt my back.
I also wouldn't buy a home in middle age that wasn't on one level; buying and selling property involves transaction costs. I would be looking for a one level home, especially if I had a bad back.
Frankly, you sound like a couple of sqabbling teen-agers. I hope that you can find some peace and a less emotionally fraught relationship in the future.
Therapy can help.
Until you close, you are NOT completely committed to the situation. Although
there will be a cost associated with it.
OK. Have you told your BF that you just WON'T be the caregiver? That she is basically an unpaid tenant that you won't be checking in on?
we are-even with our money investments and what each is going to contribute. I have repeatedly told him I can’t abs won’t take care of his mom for him and he doesn’t understand that without me taking care of her she can’t live here, it makes no sense, if she can’t walk up stairs to get to the kitchen or front door she needs to be elsewhere. She will fall and be bed bound and then that will be another problem all together. Not to mention she even needs help getting up from
a chair at this point and I can’t help her do that either, she can’t sit in pee all day and not eat with access to the kitchen unless I’m home.
him to say and not ask me, that he’s going to permanently move his mom into the room and make me take care of her 24/7. He doesn’t want to take care of her, physically, actually doing the work, he just wants to throw money or someone else at the problem and let them solve it for him, that’s what I mean by lazy. If he was going to be caring, physically, for his mom 24/7 I wouldn’t be upset and posting my concerns. He is not going to do that, hes admitted he can’t, he has to work, but he won’t admit that he will end up expecting me to do it FOR HIM. I know this will happen and I’m trying to find a way to help
his mom so she doesn’t need to live here, he’s not doing anything but sticking his head in the sand and waiting till there is no option, no where to place her, and then he knows ill
have no choice but to have her here and I’ll hurt myself trying to take care of her FOR HIM and I refuse to debilitate myself for HIS mom and his responsibility, at my expense! While my daughter if she needs help won’t get any because I’m taking care of HIS responsibilities. He doesn’t even want his mother here, he just doesn’t want to deal with her so he’s essentially passing her off to me and I don’t want her on my plate and that’s not him being a hero or good son in my opinion.
My guess he is the one paying the mortgage since it will be in his name and if so that is how he would be "caring" for your grown adult. You cannot expect him to understand why you will have an issue if he has to accept a grown adult child leaving within the shared home.
NOW we find out that the OP has a daughter who is disabled with a heart issue and that the OP will be "caring for her for life" and that this is what she wishes to do, and it is a "joy" to her.
So I imagine the boyfriend has as much a call on the home for his MOM, who is likely HIS joy and privilege to care for for the rest of HER life.
I have finally been gaslighted by this post, with its closing in on 100 responses, that I am personally out.
The sounds like ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY to me, and I wish them godspeed and the very best in the future. Live happy. Stop arguing. And may loving trust guide the way.
with. No one has the right to volunteer you for a life of servitude.
They're buying a new, bigger house that they will ALL fit into. The happy couple, my sister's 38 y/o daughter & her daughter, the guy's mother, all of them. My sister told him she comes as a package deal with her DD & the granddaughter, and he told her that HE comes as a package deal with his mother. They both agreed to the dysfunctional arrangement, so to THEM it's not 'dysfunctional.' As much as I tried to convince my sister SHE will be the one to care for his mother when she gets sick or develops dementia, she doesn't care and/or won't listen.
Maybe such an arrangement is what you need OP; that the two of you come as a package deal with your daughter & his mother thrown in. Such a thing would not work for ME, but that's ME. Maybe it would work for YOU; where both of you make compromises for one another. What do you think?