My aunt is not the aunt I knew.

I've been following and commenting on your other posts. Respectfully, I don't know what is taking you so long to stop expecting her to be the same person. She can't help it and you can't impact it. Dementia changes peoples' personalities continuously, and mostly for the worse. This is a dilemma we caregivers have to face every day, this is part of what causes burnout... because it becomes the world's most thankless job. We have to keep reminding ourselves why we are doing it, and protecting ourselves with boundaries while maintaining ourselves as a priority.

FYI, the interaction you wrote about is *nothing* compared to what may come out of her mouth to you in the future. You should have heard what one of my Aunts with dementia said to me in front of other people. You can't do it if you aren't educated about it, or have a thin skin.

You did the right and best thing by giving up PoA and staying away. May you receive clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you work through this.

It’s hard to understand what you expect from your aunt. She’s wading through dementia, a very cruel diagnosis with a bleak outlook. Of course her personality has changed, and will continue to do so. This is not her fault. She’s not intentionally disrespecting you. As you cannot abide her current state and it brings you such upset, please do exactly as you plan and leave her be. I hope she has someone looking out for her wellbeing and advocating for her, even the nasty and meanest deserve that

I’ve had a similar experience with an aunt. I couldn’t stand it anymore, and I’d always considered her a special friend. So it was very hurtful. She badmouthed me, lied to me and others, tried to interfere when I was caregiver and POA for my parents. She even sued me as executor of their estate. (The judge threw it out of court because there was clearly nothing to her claims.)

The only solution was to cut off all contact with her as other family members had already done.

I suggest you stay distant from your aunt and refuse to engage in anything that she can latch onto to hurt you. My sympathies over your situation.

Do you realize that dementia is HER BRAIN DYING?
She is incapable of change. Her brain is dying. She has no control over what parts of her brain get activated and how she reacts.
You, however, have total control over how you respond.

The idea of being offended when someone has no control over their brain is bizarre to me.

I'm not a person who cries when I'm confronted by harsh people, but I had a client who said some really awful things to me. I went downstairs and cried. I stayed on with this client until a few weeks before Christmas. I couldn't take her nastiness any longer. I remember reading somewhere that dementia folks have three types of people; one they love, one they trust and one they target. I don't know how true this is, but I noticed this with my client.

I made the mistake and asked about a person who would come and visit. I was met with nastiness and was asked why was I asking about so and so? It is none of your business. Now the lady I was asking about was someone we both knew. Even though the brain is broken, it does take us by surprise.

My last day with this lady, she told me that I was not a good aide and that I was not doing enough for her, yadda, yadda, yadda. I couldn't take it anymore. After she blocked me on her basement step with her walker and threatened to call and report elder abuse if I tried to move her, I was done.

Now mind you, I had waited out in the cold until someone came to let me in her home when she had taken codeine to get some sleep. Sometimes I was out there for about an hour at the longest. Another time, I was told to go home and come back because she had a ride to the bank and didn't want me in her house. A couple of times she had fallen and I had gotten her off the floor because she yelled and screamed that she didn't want me to call the paramedics to get her off the floor. And so on. Everyday, it was something different. I had cleaned her room, bathed her, cooked for her, did her laundry, took her to doctors appointments, did medication reminders, and took vitals just to name a few. Let me tell you, this can be one thankless job! And people just expected you to give more and more of your time.

Finally, all I could muster up was told her to have a nice life.

Afterwards, I had a problem with my blood pressure and went to visit my doctor. It was within stroke range after that case. So, even though we can act as cool as a cucumber, this type of abuse does hurt us. I didn't work for awhile afterwards. I needed a break from these types of entitled people. The agency tried to get me to go back, but it was obvious this woman needed to be in some sort of MC to at least figure what was going on. We had scheduled her for a doctor's appointment and they just gave her more pain killers and sent her home. Not once did she display any bad behavior during this doctor visit, but a day later I was out of there from a horrible episode. It is mentally draining to be a recipient of this ongoing behavior.

Sometimes our people will showtime that takes a lot out of them. Their brain is broken and they are trying to act in a normal range that is acceptable to people. It is a lot of energy for them to keep up this charade. Even though they act in a manner that can be hurtful to others, it is hard for them. The disease is frightening to them and not knowing when they are going to have a time that they will not be able to recognize what they are doing or saying what to whom. Our egos get hurt, and we forget that these are not the same people we knew a year or maybe ten years ago depending how long they've been stricken with this horrible disease. It's a disease that present many challenges to both the caregiver and to the care recipient. The sweet aunt, and that sweet old grandma who used to bake cakes and knit us sweaters have become people we no longer recognize. It is sad and frightening to us as well.

This is what I think. This Aunt chose to move 20 years ago to be closer to family, her choice. Had this sweet little niece from her hometown that kept in touch and sent goodies. Then found out as she aged that the family she moved near to was not going to care for her like she thought (expected). So, she made this sweet niece her POA thinking that meant sweet niece was at her beck and call. Sweet niece says no, she does not want that responsibility. Now Aunt is nasty and wants no contact. Why because sweet niece was no use to her anymore. Aunt cut her nose off to spite her own face.

There is a reason why the relatives where Aunt lives will do nothing for her. She thought she could manipulate you to being her caregiver. She had expectations you could not fill. Thats her problem not yours. People who expect things from people are usually disappointed and unhappy people. Your Aunt has probably turned away the only person who cared. Her loss not yours.

None of our loved ones are the loved ones we used to know once dementia sets in. My mother said SUCH foul things to me, it was awful. Plus, I think she felt that way towards me but managed to hide it before the Dementia set in! She was lucid enough to tell me stories about my father intended to make me despise him!

Dementia is horrible, and so is having to deal with our loved ones who suffer from it. Unless we're ROBOTS, we're going to feel the wrath of their words. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

Now, get on with your own life and let auntie get on with hers. She's shown you how she feels, believe her.

We educate are selves, which I need to do more of, this form has made me realize a lot of the issues i have with my mom, is from some cognitive decline.
We put are feet in there shoes, aging, scared pain, sad, lonely, and loosing all of are friends, and neighbors to age related illnesses.

We really have no clue what is going on in there head, a black paintedstrip on the floor could possibly be an endless scary black hole, that they may think will devour them. We don't know, and most of the time can't know.
And they absolutely make us crazy, hence why we are supporting each other though this.
Sence your aunt just had knee surgery, the operation my have made her decline worse.
And yes I absolutely do take things personally and it's hard . Sometimes we just have to walk away and do something for are selves.

Ouch! I am sure that you were hurt by your aunt’s words. I don’t blame you for not visiting her any longer. I wouldn’t go see her again.

You can always check on your aunt but avoid speaking to her if she isn’t receiving any pleasure from hearing from you.

My godmother was similar to your aunt.

I would go see my father in the hospital and on the way home I would stop by the nursing home to see my godmother.

When her Alzheimer’s disease advanced and she went blind due to her macular degeneration, she would scream out, “Who are you?” when I spoke to her.

I would tell her that I was her godchild but that meant nothing to her by that point.

I realized that the kindest thing that I could do for her was to stay away because she became annoyed by my visits.

I didn’t forget about her. I would call the nursing home to check on her from time to time.

Sadly, she had an unhappy life. She was a widow at a fairly young age. My godfather died many years before her. She didn’t get along with one of her sons and the other one lived several states away and was only able to visit once a year.

Honestly, it was a relief when she died. I knew then that she was finally at peace.

I know this hurts you, but it is the disease that is causing this. I am going through this with my own mother and I know that I have to distance myself for a while. This disease changes some peoples personality and in turn can ruin relationships. Don't let that stop you from inquiring about her by other means and the care packages if they come from your heart and you feel like sending them then keep doing so if it feels right. Best wishes.