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Your mother cannot be on her own anymore. You say she doesn't have dementia, but a person willing to live in a dangerous bio-hazard there's some serious mental issues going on here. Granted, it could be mental illness but at 88 it's probably some form of dementia. Or both. Whatever it is she not coping and if care has to be forced on her, do it.
So now is the time to make some choices. If she will not be compliant with help coming in then things will go one of two ways.
Either she will have to be forced into a care facility by APS and the state against her will where she will live out the rest of her life, or you (or another family member) will have to petition for conservstorship. Then it will legally not be her decision to make whether or not paid caregivers are hired.
You're not the first person to find themselves in this kind of situation with an elderly parent and sadly you won't be the last.
So many people are dealing with a stubborn senior who won't "allow" help to come in.
Here's the thing though. When they're living in unsafe filth and crapping all over the house what they will or won't "allow" is irrelevant because they can't make the decision anymore.
Your brother having POA from 600 miles away is completely useless. You're also not alone in a parent choosing the distant son over the local daughter. The daughter can manage all of it and so the work. The son can get the praise and look after the money.
Sounds familiar? I bet it does.
Get the POA changed to you. Then your mother must be made to understand that either she accepts paid help coming in, or APS will put her in a nursing home. This is what happens and once they get involved it will not be her choice or her family's.
Trust me because I know. I was an in-home client caregiver for 25 years.
I've seen many a stubborn elder removed from their homes and placed against their will and against the wishes of family because the filth and squalor of the home was unsafe.
More than a few of those cases were reported by myself. I was mandated to report if a client's home was unsafe or if abuse was suspected.
I always gave a stubborn elder a chance to get compliant with care and a family some time to clean a place up before snitching to APS. I'm unusual though. Most caregivers call it in on day one.
Get in that house. Call a cleaning company to handle it. Then get your mom to her doctor and get that POA changed over to you. Start here.
I'm glad you found this group because you'll find a lot of good people here with good advice.
Sounds familiar? I bet it does.”
Sure does sound familiar! The golden child syndrome.
Start by involving social services. Good luck.
But you already stated she won't allow anyone to help clean, so why exhaust yourself thinking she'll magically be a different person if you present her with a different solution?
Does your Mother have a medical diagnosis of dementia? Does she have a PoA? If not, it may be best to just contact APS and report her. They will take care of her mess and find a facility for her.
Also, you don’t ask her to agree to having someone come cleanup. You tell her it’s happening.
are you mom's POA?
If mom is competent and you are not (or somoene else is not) POA that should be taken care of in case the need arises.
Self neglect is reportable as "Elder Abuse" so you could take that route and see what happens, would a "non family" person get through to her that she needs to change her living conditions?
The other solution would be have someone take mom out for the day and hire a cleaning crew to come in and clean the house/apartment.
(when you hire cleaning crew thell them the situation that they will be tackling.)
Be prepared to have to do this again and again if the conditions do not change.
She obviously needs help and if that help is not accepted nothing will change.