We are asking my wife's Mother to pay us $2000 a month to live in our home and be taking care of 24/7. Any opinion?

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We are asking my wife's Mother to pay us $2000 a month to live in our home and be taking care of 24/7. Any opinion?

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I would caution littletonway to consider the extra expenses incurred in having an elderly parent living with you...extra groceries (especially the "special" items they want), the higher heat bills because they are usually cold, the extra trips places for their needs, and the list goes on. Yes, they sacrificed much for you when you were young, but if you don't have the extra to care for them now, it is difficult. Especially when you need to tell your child, no, we can't such and such because expenses are too tight. Also, as the primary caregiver, I had to give up things I was doing to earn and save money. So if the parent has the means to help out, it sure helps a huge amount. It is easy for resentment to build up on the part of the caregivers if the parent can help but is not.

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When my stepmother died Dad was not able to live alone. He needed assistance with dressing, meals, medications and dealing with doctors and finances. Every one of my 5 siblings thought he should be put in a nursing home. I am not working due to a cognitive impairments (short term memory and processing speed) from a TBI ending my career as a family physician. My partner and I decided to move Dad from his and my 3 brothers' homes in MI to our home in NC. My sisters live in WI and CA. Before moving Dad I discussed with my sibs what they thought would be a reasonable contribution by Dad toward our household expenses. Dad's trust is set up so that all 6 of us equally inherit any resources he has left, though he has minimal other than monthly SSI and VA A&A payments. My disability payments are our major source of income until I reach official retirement age, adequate but not extravagant. I discussed with my sibs what I thought would be a reasonable contribution by Dad for his living expenses. It was decided to have him share our household expenses, but not the actual housing cost as that doesn't change with added people. We divide the utilities and food costs by 3, he pays for cable TV and the local paper subscription as he wanted to get both and reimburses us for his personal expenses(meals out, toiletries, medications, magazine subscriptions, etc.). His household expense reimbursement comes to about $600, 1/3 of his income which is reasonable when you consider the usual housing expense alone for the U.S. is 25-30% of income. He doesn't pay anything for care, we've gotten VA services for bathing twice weekly as my partner and I both have significant orthopedic issues. He goes to an Adult Day program twice a week and we are provided 30 days of respite care in a VA Community Living Center, both VA services. This allows us to have alone time for our personal and mental health so we can be around for the long haul. I believe that Dad feels better knowing he is contributing, and my sibs, who don't provide any care for Dad (they don't even call him or visit him except 1 of them) have no problem with this arrangement, nor should they.

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I find no problem in that. Think hard, though, what seems like a good idea at the beginning can become a nightmare. I know from personal experience. If your Mom can go somewhere else and you just keep an eye on her and visit, you'll be much better off than to have the 24/7 responsibility of someone who sounds like my mother, who chose to come and live with us.for $1500 a month as a third of expenses and US doing everything for her. She chose this option over posting $3500 in AL. She granted it from day one and moved in with my sister for $1000 a month after 3 months. I wrote my job to take care of and "poof" she was gone in 3 months, and at the age of 58, i was never able to find another comparable job.

Think very hard and long before you do this. Just warning. This was in 2008, and for the next 7 years I took care of her as a relief for my sister for no money at all, then one week a month, then two, then full time. The only time i ever ever was paid $1500 was the first 3 months. My retirement has been jeopardized, and I'm living a much compromised existence by doing what I did. Just think about it carefully.

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I know someone living in their own home, here in Tucson and she pays $11,000 per month for full time care.

$2,000 is a bargain. 1/2 of that would be living expenses, plus food.

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It won't be in the best interest for Mom to live with someone who is not mentally or physically ready to take on the role of caretaker.

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Well, who took care of your wife when she was a baby? MOM.. It's changing of roles now. Mom is the one who needs care, whether you take her in or she gets cared for somewhere else. But honestly, it sounds like both hubby and wife are not looking forward to Mom living in the same house. If that is the case, then hubby and wife are not ready to take this task of caring for MOM. Don't do it.

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FeelLost is 1000% correct. I'm taking care of my ml and she pays nothing. My BL is taking all her $ and I'm suppose to be the good son in law while her own son has money but milks her for $ and then goes on vacation. Pisses me off to no end. After 31 years of marriage I'm at my wits end and will probably end up in a divorce. My wife does not like it at all when I talk about BL or ml. Lost all respect, they are freeloaders. Again 2k is fair, and you would deserve more for caring. Don't forget no good deed goes unpunished.

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Kathryn, being an only child frees you from one of the major issues a lot of us are dealing with, namely do-nothing siblings who will inherit equal (or larger) shares of what's left when a parent passes.

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I've looked after my mother in my home for over 10 years. She's 93 years old, has her own bedroom, bathroom and living room, has dementia and requires a great deal of chauffering and there's a lot of cleaning up after her. I've never charged rent and pay for many of her supplies. About 2 years ago she decided to give me all her money, instead, she ended up putting one of her bank accounts into a joint account with myself as part owner. Upon her death, I will be the beneficiary, so, monthly rent isn't a big deal. She receives a monthly pension to this account and it is building. She has another account that I'm not connected to and she uses that for other expenses. I can afford the extra costs and because there are no siblings, I will eventually inherit what's left in her accounts.

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If your mom pays you, you need to keep accurate records and receipts for items purchased. Items purchased/provided must be for her benefit, you can charge utility costs, food etc. If she were staying in a facility it would cost her a lot more, however she is a family member so I think you have to take that into consideration. If she needs a lot of assistance with bathing, dressing etc and supervision then you could charge more per month, if she needs minimal care you should charge her less per month. There's no set rate for this and keeping adequate records is a must. If she is able to understand then I'd sit down with her and explain how the money breaks down, food, utilities, assistance, etc. Even if she can afford it, you need to come to an agreement on the amount and you should justify the fee you are charging.

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If she would be in assists living, then that means she needs assistance with her daily activities. It is more than just setting another plate at the table and changing bed linens once a week. MUCH MORE. I speak from experience. With my mother there was a huge spike in every utility bill. Lights everywhere turned on & left on by her 24 hours a day. TV on all the time. Heat turned up in her area of the house (3 rooms) to 75 because she was freezing all the time. At least one extra load of laundry a day because of accidents....sometimes 2 of them a day. She ate more food than my son with the bottomless pit of a stomach. The "rent" the POA agreed to pay was $100/wk which didn't even cover the food. Now who is taking advantage of who? "Oh, but this is our Mom" said my siblings who went on with their lives, taking vacations & expecting me to be hostess when they "visited" Mom for 2 hours.

Can't forget her wanting to be with someone, anyone, 24 hours a day. Needing care for 22 of those hours but POA (not me) only agreeing to pay "qualified" people for 12 of those hours. I wasn't "qualified" so the other 12 hours though it was me or my husband & we did more than the CNAs, we got pennies.

And that is just the tip of the iceberg. It was costing me money out of my pocket, yet I was accused of being greedy.

CARE AGREEMENT prepared by a lawyer is a must. We didn't do it, and it was a disaster. Ended up moving Mom to Assisted Living, with an aide 5 hours a day, 3 times a week. Which is cheaper in the end than staying at my place. Mom is safe and well taken care of. We all visit with her 1-2 times a week for a few hours. My family have our lives back and I don't have to deal with my selfish, self-centers siblings.

It is life changing for you all. If you have siblings, protect yourself. If your MIL thinks it is too much, the advice given by someone else asking her what she thinks is fair is great advice. Elder care lawyer will tell you what is a fair amount in your area.

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It's not necessary to insult the OP, GrammyM. I do agree with you that we don't know what the 24/7 care would consist of in this case, and the value of the care does depend on that. But not everybody agrees that relatives, even parents, should be allowed to live expense-free at a family member's home, especially if the household is struggling and the new member of the can well afford to contribute. The extra person will invariably add to the household expenses - food, utilities, gas money for trips and errands, etc. At a minimum I think the person should contribute for the added expenses.

Someone said above that if the MIL feels she's being taken advantage of, it won't make for a harmonious household. I second that, and I think the MIL should be asked what she thinks if fair, and the amount should be negotiated. What is fair to charge depends, in the last analysis, on what someone is willing to pay.

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Must agree with Littletonway. Unless you are so desperately in need of money, I would not charge a family member to live with me...especially your wife's mother! It's insulting! What an ingrate...unless your mother-in-law is so far advanced with dementia she needs 24/7 care and your wife and you have the qualifications to adequately provide proper care. The wording..."we are asking my wife's mother to pay $2000 a month...." sounds as though this lady is 'loaded' and seemingly being taken advantage of. Yes, the fact that mother-in-law (or anyone) living with you would be a timeframe of 24/7. What constitutes 24/7 care? Watching television, playing cards, or hands-on true care. And since she obviously feels this amount is too much with you and your wife taking advantage of her---you probably are! I'm curious as to what other family members think of this situation. Bottom line...this is your wife's MOTHER! A woman who raised her daughter and provided for her. These situations hurt and hit a nerve with me. I've seen families gut every penny out of a parent or family member and then when nothing is left it is...goodbye.

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I strongly second misserry. Having dad move in has cost WAY more than I expected, in terms of increased utility bills and food costs. Then there's the emotional costs. I won't itemize, you can fill in your own. Just recognize that anything that can go wrong, will. Plus a few things you didn't expect. I rank this one of the worst decisions I ever made.

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She would not be taken advantage of. It's called the cost of living and $2000/month is far less than assisted living and a fraction of a nursing home. Your bills are going up, you are going to loose alot of privacy. I would charge more $2k is not worth the life change you will experience.

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If you break the amount down to an hourly rate, it comes to $2.78 a hour. Where else could Mom live and have 24 hour care at that amount.

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I meant to say "feeling like she's being taken advantage of." I didn't mean to imply that I would necessarily agree with that opinion.

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I agree with Ismiami. I couldn't have said it better. It would worry me if an arrangement starts out with a household member being taken advantage of. Also, although you've said that MIL would need to be in assisted living otherwise, it's not clear what level of care we're talking about here, and it really does matter. It is a whole lot more work to bathe and dress and cook special meals for someone than to make an extra bed and set another plate out on the table.

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I think it is fair for every adult that lives in a house to contribute to the household.
I see nothing wrong in the concept, I think she is not feeling comfortable with the amount.

Is $2000 / mo just for room and board or does it include errands, chauffeuring, preparing meals? Does it also include bathing, dressing, toileting? Does she require 24 hour attendance?
Is she moving into a room or a MIL suite? I would expect to pay more based on accommodations (just like rent).

I think you get the idea, the devil is in the details. I will say that if all parties are not comfortable with the arrangement I would not proceed. Assuming she is capable, she can live elsewhere.

When people begrudgingly accept a deal, they only get more bitter with time.
If you decide to proceed, do see a lawyer and get a written agreement, to ensure if she ever needs Medicaid, that this is not viewed as a "gift" triggering a penalty. The attorney can also opine on whether the amount would be viewed as excessive by Medicaid.

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A&A is correct! And I know for sure that is a major consideration! In writing so siblings cannot complain. And shouldn't be much problem unless Mom has dementia.

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Just make sure you go to an Attorney and get it all in writing.. Especially if you have siblings who may complain about it..

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Sorry, I don't believe in charging parents to be cared for by family.

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My mother in-law had previously been in independent living costing $2500 a month with personal expenses. She fell and fractured her hip and was required to go to assisted living at over $5000 a month. She is over one hundred years young and will never qualify for Medicaid.

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First, I'll say that, should mom have to go to a nursing home or assisted living, and runs out of funds, Medicaid will look back five years at how she's spent her money. Without a contract and your meeting certain other requirements, all the money she's given you will be considered a gift. Medicaid will exclude covering mom using a specific formula -- and come to you to get that money back.

Having said that, $2000 a month for 24-hour care is very reasonable. Anyone would say that.

You need to see an eldercare attorney to line up your ducks with a care contract. You will be required to claim it on your income tax and you AND mom will both pay Social Security on the money paid to you as wages. That is one of the ways Medicaid will use to determine whether or not the money was a gift.

Get busy. That care contract is very important.

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Does your Mom need the help? Did she want to make the move? Does she have dementia? If the answers to all of thes questions is yes, then the amount you are asking to be paid is quite fair. However, do you have a lease agreement or care agreement in place? If not, you need to have these prepared. And you will be required to pay income taxes whether it is rent or care. See an elder law attorney asap to help with these documents, and the attorney should be paid by mom. Without the agreement all money paid to you by mom will be considered a gift and as such subject to penalty if Mom ever needs to go on Medicaid.

Your situation of living on a fixed income has no place in this discussion as it is immaterial to your mother's care needs or her financial situation.

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I think it depends on how much care she needs. For room and board alone, $2000 would be a little steep IMO. There's not enough detail in your post to determine what types of assistance your MIL needs, or whether she would need to be in assisted living or would be capable of living alone with some paid or unpaid help.

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We are asking my wife's Mother to pay us $2000 a month to live in our home and be taking care of 24/7. Any opinion?

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