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If God forbid your mom ever develops Alzheimer's, I want you to know what that may involve: fear, anxiety, waking you up every 5 minutes all night, every night because she is hallucinating and scared, thinking you are trying to kidnap her, trying to run away to go back" home," hitting, biting, and screaming, leaving the house and getting lost on your block, drinking Mr. Clean, thinking it's apple juice, diapers like you wouldn't believe, going to the bathroom on the floor (#1 and #2), undressing inappropriately, potentially running around naked and punching you if you try to stop her, aphasia, hitting you (HARD) if you try to shower her, refusing to be clean or change clothes until your house stinks, hours of begging her to change her underwear while you're berated to the point that you wish for death, becoming wheelchair bound, paralyzed, needing to be spoon fed and her food pureed, throwing food when you try to feed her, paralysis as in dead weight, you would have to lift her to feed, change, and bathe her, losing the ability to speak and swallow, right before your eyes. Constant accusations, yelling at you, threatening you, you won't be able to reason with her...

I hope this never happens, but if it does, what will you do? Think long and hard about what you are really taking on. If she moves in with you, she gives up her home and there's no turning back.

For those of you who don't know what Alzheimer's really looks like, I hope I was able to enlighten you. Please don't judge anyone who puts their parent in a nursing home. I did it and I cry every day, but I had no support. not enough money, and no choice.
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So many variables when it comes to taking care of dementia patients, especially loved ones. How does your mother feel about paying $2,000 a month? If she is comfortable paying that and her needs are met, I don't see an issue, unless there is a legal one. The system is totally broken---no wonder there is so much elderly abuse and neglect. Caregivers seldom, if ever, get a break. Many caregivers are isolated beyond a walk to their mailbox. I give you credit for taking care of your mother-in-law. $2,000 seems quite fair to me as long as the loved one can afford to pay it without draining every dime from her savings. Perhaps an Elder Attorney would further advise you. I'm thinking down the road in the event someone decides to sue. It is true other family members do not give one hoot---until there is money involved and then...they are the first to cry "foul!"
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I dont work and the only one that takes care of her bad i need to get paid how
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Additionally, my husband has a brother who lives in the same town that we do and he has nothing to do with his mother. No phone calls, no visits, no financial support, and no respite support. We do have two daughters, but they both live out of state. One lives in Florida and has no clue what we are going through. In fact she does not speak to us because she thinks she knows it all. The other daughter, a mother of four (ages 14, 11, 8, and 4), lives in Colorado. She would not be able to help even if she lived close by. Her husband is in the military and is currently serving in Afghanistan. My husband's brother has two sons that live in the same town as us also and has no contact with their grandmother. I am sure they take their lead from their father. $323.00 per month hardly takes care of anything emotionally in my opinion. Until I can convince my husband that we need time away with his mother being able to pay for her own care while we are away for rest and relaxation, the stress will continue to build and we will come to not liking each other. I want to visit my grandchildren. It is as simple as that. So until you walk in our shoes, no one has the right to criticize. It does sound like many of you on here do know what it is like, so I do appreciate your comments. By the way, my husband works about 60 hours per week (he is a truck driver) and I work 25 hours per week. We are trying to work towards retirement ourselves within the next couple of years. I also have health issues.
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My husband saw an eldercare attorney and had it in writing as to what his mother was going to pay every month.. She only pays 1/3 of all of the bills, electric, groceries, etc. In our state, apparently we are not allowed to charge her rent and cannot accept gifts from her either. That isn't a problem. She basically only pays $323.00 per month. If we go out to eat, she pays for her own meal. I hardly think that $323.00 is worth the stress that she has put on my husband and myself especially when I have health issues of my own. The systems needs fixed and since she has mental issues, there isn't much we can do about anything at this point in time. She is not approved for skilled nursing, only assisted living and she cannot afford that. I want to take a vacation and my husband does not feel it appropriate for his mother to have to pay for her care while we are away. I on the other hand, thinks it should be her responsibility. She can afford that, just not permanent assisted living.
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My wife had to quit work in order to stay home with mom 24/7 as she could not stay alone at all. In exchange, she helps with the bills be it utilities, mortgage or food to the tune of around $2500 a month. With NH's averaging from $7200 and up we don't feel this is not unfair. ASL's are starting at over $4000 pr. mo. and they both charge premiums for extra services. Elder home care charges &17 an hour and adult day care is $11 an hour, up to 11 hrs., which we use on occasion just to get away.. She has been with us almost 10 years now. Had she gone into a facility, she would have been broke long ago and on Medicaid. As long as our family is comfortable knowing she is being well for, they don't have to do it and have no problem, we could care less what anyone thinks.
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Correction/ you won't have to claim ALL of the $2000 as income. Some will be utilities, cable, insurance, transportation expense, groceries, laundry. After you make those deductions then the rest is income.
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you will need to see a tax lawyer--that's income.
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You won't have to claim the 2000$ as income if you have a Care Contract and specify exactly what the money is for.
Break it down to Groceries, car expenses, utilities, cable TV, laundry, cleaning, personal cares. For people who do not want to claim rental income on their home she can contribute to " household expenses" by paying towards utilities, homeowners insurance, Cable, Internet, mileage or other car expenses, maintenance, Food, laundry, transportation ect. 2000$ is actually very reasonable for round the clock care. In most places of the country 25-25$ per hour is the norm for cleaning, laundry, personal cares, meal prep ect....
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If you are concerned about the amount of $2000 a month, I can share with you that on a Medicaid waiver program, I am paid a little less than $2000 a month (about $62 a day) to provide a home and take care of my developmentally disabled adult son who cannot speak, wears Depends, has a seizure disorder and can never be left alone for one second. This is much cheaper than any other care situation for my son. It was Ronald Reagan who understood that and allowed for the Medicaid waivers to exist. A good deal all around.
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I didn't see this topic the first time around, so I'll weigh in now. If your mom's only problem is "old," $2000 is excessive. You say she would be in assisted living, not a nursing home, so that speaks to her being higher functioning. That tells me the "24 hour care" would consist of rides to the doctor, medication reminders, companionship, and a little extra food. It's not worth 2 grand a month. We can't use assisted living or nh as comparisons because they're both rip offs. I also feel that to some degree, if we can, we owe it to our parents to care for them. Charging 2 grand makes sense if we were talking about a stranger, but not your own mother. If she needs more care than what I've described, my advise would be "don't do it." You can't imagine how difficult it will be. You're older yourselves and probably not trained or equipped in any way, shape, or form. You'll end up spending the whole 2 grand on outside caregivers, and you will regret it. Let your mom go to a good facility where she will get care, meals, recreation, laundry service, and friends. There's no way you can fulfill all those roles. If you take on more than you can handle, you will shorten your life.
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Wow. That is very nice to be able to do that. And yes, there really needs to be proper legal arrangements to make sure Welfare can help when needed, if that a becomes a thing.
One of my sibs somehow [bless him] managed to convince Mom to pay us back for previous money we'd sent her, at the rate of $300/mo. for her living under our roof, both of us on-call 24/7 to help chauffeur her around, accompany her places, help her with all the things she couldn't do anymore, be there in case she fell or made messes she couldn't manage, etc.
She fairly often got her shorts in a knot, and said "I already paid you, don't ask for more!"---which I simply let go, because it was _Not_ worth having her escalate into a major Tizzy over--she could throw some doozeys.
We sure could have used that money.
Except, sometimes, she needed some back. I learned a lifetime ago, to never spend or lose anything she gave, because there were always strings attached to almost anything she gave me--she might ask for something back, next month, or years down the road.
Some elders don't have money to share--they are already so far below poverty level, it's not funny.
There are not nearly enough elder-apartments to accommodate those who are in a cross-over period of time in their lives, needing their own apartment, yet, needing some assistance and supervision, too.
We did it for as long as we could.
Then it got to be someone else's turn...for which we are very grateful, that there were others to take over the load, and did it, even though it was hardship for them, too.
Always cover your bases legally. Things generally go smoother that way.
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Topic is 6 months old
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*CARE*
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I never asked for a paycheck to take care of my dear, late mother. I was perfectly capable of earning a living before the cargiving!
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When my adult daughter lived with me I did not expect her to pay half my mortgage. The mortgage was my responsibility. We split the food bill but it wasn't 50/50, sometimes she paid more, sometimes I did, depending on who went grocery shopping (she liked organic so she paid for that) but I also stopped at the store on the way home for extras. I never expected her to reimburse me. As far as laundry, c'mon its communal laundry most of the time with towels all thrown in together (unless they are soiled of course). How much can electricity go up? I saw about $5 increase. Now heat was another matter since my daughter was like a delicate orchid and kept her room at about 80 with a space heater on all the time so she kicked in for the heat. I already had cable so she just paid for the extra box in her room. ($10 a month). Is it really 24 hr care? you never ever sleep? Or are you counting being "on call" in case you're needed as 24 care? (like when we had babies in the house).

I don't know. $2000 a month sounds really high IMHO. If you charged her an extra $100 a week for her portion of food, another $100 a month for extra heat/electricity and then add your calculations for care that's still far less than 2K. How much is your mortgage? And is it proportional? Ok you gave her the master bdrm but does she use all the rooms in the house like you do? If yes, then I guess its fair to charge her 50% if not, would you have charged a teenager to stay in their room?

Our family doesn't charge anything from anyone. That's us. When I moved back home for a few months to help care for my mom, I offered (wasn't asked) to pay their cable bill because I wanted some premium channels they didn't have and a DVR box. I offered to pay towards utilities (answer was no). I offered to pay for food (answer was no so I went grocery shopping on my own for them but they considered it "my" food and never touched it.) I offered to pay for water because I did 1 load of laundry a week and my father said don't be ridiculous. No rent was charged. Should a time come where I have to care for my dad, it will be the same way. He would only pay for his care but food, utilities, amenities and my mortgage would be my responsibility.

but that's just me.
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Well, I've read all sides on this question and all I can say is that I am using Mom's money to pay for caregivers in with her, in an attempt to keep her in her own home as she wishes, and to have a caregiver only 6 hours/day for 7 days/week is costing, in Arizona, approx. $3200/month....and there is still all the expenses of running her home, ultilities, food, property taxes, insurance, gas and insurance on the car etc. So that doesn't seem unreasonable to me. If she went to AL, it would cost her between $4500 and $6000 in Arizona, as a private pay resident.
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2000 dollars a month is a very low amount for 24 hour care. It will not in a million years compensate you for the task you are about to take on. Take some classes on what it takes to be a 24 hour a day, do everything care taker before you take this on. It is not for everybody that is for sure. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done and will change your life. You should look into what a good board and care would cost, not a nursing home, and go from there. It really depends on how much care your mom needs and whether she has dementia. Whatever you do don't go into this lightly. Good luck
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A lot of care givers are retired seniors. An extra person could put a strain on finances. Most parents have Social Security. If they are not keeping up another residence, I see no problem with them contributing to the household financially. My Moms house is up for sale. Her Social Security pays for the upkeep. I use her sm pension to pay for her perscriptions, personal items and odds and ends. When her house sells, it will give me the opportunity to pay someone to watch her so my husband and I can go out or for respite care so we can get away. Once her house sells, do u think I shouldn't deduct the $5000 from the proceeds it cost us to put a shower in our house just for her use?
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I assume you are old too and even with the good in tensions you have your care may not be enough she needs her own space not a room and food made by you afamily too close ccans be stressful sorry you live tight but showing love is letting go
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And I felt bad asking Mom to contribute to groceries!
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Well, I think you both are taking advantage of the situation, but a reasonable amount to cover groceries might be in order. Family is supposed to take care of one another and if the situation were reversed, I am sure you would want someone to care for you. Retired and greedy...
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Van2015, I have a feeling I was responding to the overall tenor of some of the posts., and not to your situation. you seem to be a VERY thoughtful caretaker. I moved to city I don't like and spend a mere t 2 to 3 hours a day during the week and 8 or 9 hours on the weekend dreaming up new outings and I think its mentally exhausting - so i think taking care of two mothers iin succession s heroic. . I'm just eternally gald I had my mothers durable power of attorney long before she was diagnosed with dementia because even getting Veterans Benefit Assistance for my mother would be a nightmare. . For whatever reason, money is an emotionally loaded topic when it comes to relatives. Hey, i have relatives who have never seen my mother once since she moved into independent living and then transitioned into assisted living who want to see bank records. Anyway i am very happy to be aging alone.As much as love my mother I would not want anyone putting their life on hold for me. A woman near me is caring for mother mother and her mother in law who both have Alzheimers in her home and hold down a ull time job. I have no idea how she manages to always be patient , kind (and pleasant) while caring for two women who live on two wildly different time schedules --even with a daytime caretaker during the week..
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Sheenaz. To be perfectly clear. We do not care for my mother in law because she is worth something to us. We care for her because we can. But it is expensive and time consuming and taking part of her income comes in as a blessing. It enables us to do many things for her that we wouldn't be able to do. It allows us to pay copays and take her on nice excursions. Most of all, it enables me to stay home with her instead of putting her in Daycare. We cared for my mom until she died in 2011. She had nothing. We didn't love her any less or care for her any differently. I took a leave of absence and we dealt with it. Both my husband and I are combat veterans. This job is harder. Take a walk in our boots before you criticize. That's all I ask.
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Do you have siblings? I told my sister that I was going to divide up the utilities 4 ways and the mortgage and she flipped out. the only thing she will allow me is for mom to pay for grocery's one time a month. She is very good at excuses on why she can't help out but she seems to think that my family should pick up the slack on all of this. I'm with you I see nothing wrong with this. In our situation we are going to have to purchase a new home because ours is way to small since Mom came to live with us, plus its old and not at all what she is use to living in.
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I did say i was lucky I liked my mother. But its all fun and balloons. I moved to city i hate and where I have no frineds here nor s there much to do so my life is on hold . i did it because she loved her assisted living facility and relocating someone in their nineties is just a bad idea. Runng errends for her does take up several hours afrom changing hearing aidsto replenishing toilet paper to doctorrs.. And whenevr she is hospitalized I stay in her oom 24/7 because of her hearing problems. (My older sister who lives in this city hates her because she sold her house to draw downathe assets to pay for her own care and therefore didn't give it to her and her husband. She is so infuriated she has seen her only once- and that was for a loan my mother refused as she and her very well paid husband have never paid back any previous "loans." .I grew up in a home in which my alcoholic and abusive father put my mother and us kids through h*ll so yes, I want her to enjoy whatever time she has left now that he's dead as she did her best to protect us from a drunk with a gun.. The only good thing about her dementia is that she doesn't recall anythuing her married life. Mostly her childhood
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My Mom is easy. She has adjusted pretty well. Wish my house was more condusive but as retirees we can't afford another mortgage and houses in my area aren't selling. Just told Moms dr. I retired so I wouldn't have to think. Thats all I do. Selling her house. Cleaning it out, alone. Remembering all the little stuff, paying her bills. Which will mainly stop when the house is sold. Then a disabled nephew to plan for who is easy. I can't imagine doing for a parent or loved one who would abuse me in some way. I don't expect aTU, because I'm not sure if dementia/Alz can appreciate. I personnally can't take verbal abuse so that parent would be in a NH. Give all that have been putting up with it loads of credit.
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I agree with you, CarlaCB, 100%. Been there, done that, taking care of a mother I would NEVER choose as a friend, doing it in a sense of duty and giving up my life for her. There was no gratitude, a monetary sacrifice, and it took an emotional toll, and no amount of money can make up for that.
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Sheenaz - you're right in one respect : you are lucky that you genuinely like your mother. I can't say the same, and it makes caregiving more onerous for sure. As for being able to choose your own path and not be dependent on "begrudging kindness" - people with children have that exact same ability. If they choose not to provide for their own old age and by default become a burden for their children, it's nobody's fault but their own that their children's kindness is "somewhat begrudging."

As for the assumption that kindness is granted only in proportion to the parent's monetary contribution, that is so not true. Oregongirl said it very succinctly in another thread " There is not enough money in the world to pay a Caregiver that is a family member." Often there is no money at all (and that's why a family member is needed to take on the task) but even if there is, there's no way the money could compensate for the stress, the exhaustion, the years of keeping one's own plans and goals on ice while tending to the needs of another. Try walking in someone else's shoes before presuming to judge their intentions.
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This is a strange thread. I'm now really glad i'm aging without children. I never knew how lucky I am to be able choose my own path with close friends as I age so I will never be dependent on the somewhat begrudging kindness of a child or an in-law - depending on how much money i was worth to them. And equally lucky in that I genuinely like my mother, dementia and all..
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