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So there that is the case ...not looking for your approval, just for you to see you need all info before judging what you don't understand...
mledison~As you have been told by other's guilt is a given. A therapist is a great place to start. You may also want to make an appt. with your MIL doc for you and your husband to discuss it with him/her. Sometimes a husband needs to hear it from a doc to get the full message. A doc with experience in taking care of the elderly would have compassion for your burn out before it becomes full blown depression. Many years ago, I was facing burn out due to working full time, taking care of everything at home inside and outside plus the children. I had no outlet to let off steam. My husband was working many hours and was just not available to help me when he was home. It was his choice. He would not listen to me, I plead, begged and talked reasonably. It fell on deaf ears. Finally I stopped. I came home from work and wouldn't do anything. I left it all for him. He woke up real fast when he had to do it all. I don't know why you don't want home health care to help you because it would relive you, but I do understand that if you just can't do it anymore, it is reasonable to understand why you would want her placed in a facility. You do have a right to be happy and have a life outside of caregiving. When we can no longer provide the best care for a loved one, whatever the reasons are, we have alternatives especially when finances are available. Stand your ground with your husband and see a therapist as well as MIL doc.
melaniemorris - When a caregiver says they are burnt out, it is something to be taken seriously. Some can be a caregiver to several people over a period of many years, some for a few years and some can't. That is no indictment against anyone.
Regarding " the woman who brought him into the world and changed his diapers for years" Just how many years do you think she changed his diapers? My bet is that it wasn't 6 years or close to. I think we have a little hyperbole here. It doesn't strengthen your case.
mledison - my heart goes out to you. Guilt is such a difficult thing to deal with. I think part of dealing with it is facing the realities - which involves grieving, As mil goes down hill, thoughts of loss come, and grief is triggered. Any major change - like a move to a facility, brings grief with it. I am not one to push guilt aside, but, rather to deal with it, and the painful emotions that come with real, and anticipated loss. It is a very difficult time in your life, and in your husband's life, not to speak of your mil who deserves the best care available. As your marriage is at stake, finding a therapist who could help you both through this major transition could be very helpful.
My best wishes and prayers for a solution are with you.(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
Joan
We can share opinions about whether placement is best in this particular sitaution. It is good to have a range of opinions expressed.
But know that you are offending a large number of the members here by using such pejorative terms as "dumping" and "throwing away."
Don't waste a lot of energy trying to talk yourself/your hubby out of feeling guilty. Use that energy to push the guilt to the background and make the best decisions you can, as objectively as you can, without guilt calling the shots. The factors to consider are "What is best for Mother?", "What is best for our marriage?" and "What is best for us as individuals?" That is plenty to juggle! The question to get rid of entirely is "What will make me feel least guilty?" You are going to feel guilty. Live with it. Get on with what has to be done.
Yes when she gets out she'll go to rehab.And money isn't an issue plus she has Medicare and good secondary insurance that will cover most cost.
I will have my husband read this...
Wow! You've given your MIL six years of quality of life in a home setting, among people who love her. You and your husband should both feel good about that, and proud of what you've done.
Now it is time for a new chapter in this book. You are still concerned about the quality of her life. You still want the best for her. You still love her very much. But it is time to call upon the professional caregivers of various kinds, in a setting designed for care of the elderly with mobility and incontinence problems.
Will shebe going to transitional care (rehab) when she leaves the hospital? (That is often how it works, depending, of course, on why she was in the hospital.) That would be a very good time to get some professional input on what level of care is appropriate. Could she handle assisted living? Does she need skilled nursing care?
Meanwhile, you and hubby should be looking at the practical issues, such as how is this going to paid for? Does MIL have assets and income that will enable her to be self-pay? For how long? Is she likely to need Medicaid at some point? Organizing this is a big job, and another fine service you can do for MIL.
Be aware -- and make sure your husband understands this -- that placing MIL in a care center is NOT the same as abandoning her. You will still be her advocate, and work toward seeing to it she gets quality care. You will visit often, have meals with her regularly, perhaps take her on outings if she is capable of that. But instead of having 24/7 responsibility for hands-on caregiving, you will be free to be the loving daughter-in-law and son. Many people find that their relationship actually improves when the day-to-day burden is lifted.
I wish you all the best as you move in this new direction. Keep us informed!