Mother had a spat with the caregiver and I don't know how to handle it. Any suggestions?

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Mother had a spat with the caregiver and I don't know how to handle it. Any suggestions?

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I have two caregivers, one from Monday through Friday and the other on Saturday and Sunday. My mother liked the one during the week more than the one on the weekend. I like both CNAs and think they are wonderful with my parents (my father has dementia and is bedridden and my mother has mobility issues). My mother tells the caregivers to wake my father up to eat or to change him. When they wake him, he becomes angry and lashes out. So it is best to let him wake up naturally. But he may sleep past breakfast or past lunch. The nurse has even told my mother to let him sleep. My mother prods the weekday caregiver to wake him up and my mother is sometimes, no most of the time, not very nice to the caregiver over this. Well, this evening when I went to give my mother her evening medicine she mentioned how she does not like the caregiver because she doesn't do what she asked for my father. I asked my mother does she want to get someone else and she said no. I can't rely on what she says because she switches things around, one week she likes this one and the next week she doesn't. My mother got very angry at me because I told her I don't like to hear negative talk about the caregivers and I will investigate myself. She said I was a bad daughter and exclaimed, I am your mother! Like how dare I disagree with her. She talks to me as if I were a child and does not want to hear anything that is a contrary opinion. I do a tremendous amount for my parents but I find her to be rude. Every single day, either morning or evening, we have some sort of tiff over what has transpired during the day. I believe that the caregivers have a very difficult job and I don't want my mother to be rude to them. How can I handle this? Any suggestions would be very much appreciated.

Care Team Family Caregiver Home Care

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Are you there when the care givers are there? Do you see your mother being rude to them?

It may be that she complains to you about them, but not directly to the care giver.

Me, I tend to be direct, I would all the care giver up and say Mum is grumbling and as she tends to be disagreeable, you want to make sure the care giver is being treated well while she is in the home. Be sure to reinforce how much you appreciate the care she is providing to your parents and ask her to contact you with any concerns she may have.

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Your mom is in an extremely stressful situation. I think you could cut her a little slack. BUT when she starts to treat you as a child, remove yourself. "Mother, that is rude. I'll come back later and perhaps then we can speak as adults."

If she is willing to be rude to you, her daughter, it is not hard to imagine her being rude to the hired help. I like Tothill's suggestion for talking to the caregivers directly.

The nurse has said let Dad sleep. Is there a doctor involved. Would that position have more authority with mother? The real goal her is Dad's welfare and comfort, right?

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I would get dad's doctor involved. I was brought up with the dictum "every hour a man sleeps, he lives another day" ( it sounded better in Italian). I think that goes double for dementia patients.

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I agree. And if the doctor is a sensitive diplomatic type, he might even make up a Daily Schedule, all formal-looking, for your father which can then be pinned to the door.

Then there is how to deal with the anxiety and dissatisfaction your mother seems to be feeling about your father's condition. Perhaps she can't quite shake off the feeling that if he really tried he'd be doing better than he currently is? Perhaps it's that she can't help suspecting that if she were in charge he'd get up when he was told? Perhaps she's afraid of the "slippery slope"?

I also agree that actually the key thing is how the caregivers are handling her crossness. I know it's hard not to feel responsible for your mother's behaviour towards the weekdays lady, but it may be that she's a lot less bothered by it than you are? Don't forget, if she's a veteran of caregiving, she's almost certainly dealt with a lot worse than anything your mother says.

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Thank you all for your insightful comments. BarbBrooklyn, you hit the nail on the head about the "lazy" part. Before the illness, my mother was my father's caregiver. She would wake him up all the time to eat. She would call and call and he would not answer her until he finally yelled but eventually came to eat. But now he is bedridden and we have caregivers that help both of them. Mother also complains that the caregivers sit and look at their phones during the day. They do this when parents are resting or napping. So yes, she may think that they are lazy. I, on the other hand, find the caregivers upbeat and attend to their needs.

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I absolutely love reading all your comments. I feel so grateful that I am able to consult a wonderful group of caring, knowledgeable people on any issue. I have asked many questions on my journey in helping my parents. My life suddenly changed in August and I had to deal with a combative dementia father on my own while my mother was in the hospital and then in rehab. When she came home from rehab, I had other issues to deal with concerning her care. You have all helped me so much. Thank you for being there. By the way, my mother was all praises for the weekday caregiver today. But as someone, I believe TouchMatters and lucyinthesky said, just acknowledge their concerns with "I hear you" and leave it at that.

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I have the sneaking suspicion that "mother" feels that the caregiver is being "lazy" by not awakening your father. And I was seriously asking if mom has cognitive issues; is she perhaps not "getting" the big picture of your dad's dementia?

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Why can't your mother wake your father and let her deal with the consequences until he calms down?

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Does mom have any cognitive issues?

Why does she think you dad should be waked up?

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It is hard to really know what relationship your mom has with caregivers. My dad complains about his caregivers and says he told them blah blah blah, so me thinking i better do some public relations find out that all is well, other than him complaining about me all the time. I know why my dad does that and i know he justs likes to be in control so that is one of his methods.
I agree with above posts, check in with caregivers and get the doctor on board to help dad get rest and the right to wake up happy instead of ole grouchy head.

Mother had a spat with the caregiver and I don't know how to handle it. Any suggestions?

39 Answers

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