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Be supportive of your sister. She's doing the heavy lifting here, and you riling up Mom isn't helpful.
Are you worried about losing your place to live or having to start paying rent (if you weren't already)? If so, these are legitimate concerns. But your mom has dementia and apparently you aren't seeing it, which is also an issue. I have a 99-yr old aunt with mod/adv dementia who lives in the same home since 1975 but wants to "go home" every afternoon. This is called Sundowning, a common dementia behavior. They aren't referring to their most recent home, but usually a home from their youth. This may be what is happening, or, she does wish to come back to your shared home but can't because she is not longer able to care for herself where she was living and you aren't able to give her the care she needs. Moving her to AL is a profound change for the both of you. Hopefully your sister had her checked for a UTI first, which can cause dementia-like behavior. I wish you much clarity and peace in your heart as you both adjust.
What if what she *wants* is unsafe?
A lot of times people with dementia cannot process how it is affecting them. As well, a person's ability to have conversation with others can hang in there, long after their ability to make good decisions is gone. They 'sound' ok, but have serious gaps in their abilities to care for themselves. Because they have no way to make new memories (the dementia has taken that ability away) they cannot remember new information that they hear or see-her new home will seem strange to her for a while. She wants to return to the familiar, but as you note she requires care beyond what you can provide. Your sister may have been thinking of that as well. Likely the cost of an assisted living, staffed 24/7, meets those needs better than trying to have aides come in. It is hard to hear your loved one being unhappy, but I think your sister has made a hard choice that was the best one for your mother. Please try to support her. If you can do so peacefully, why not talk with your sister about ways to interact with your mom that keep your mom calm? She may have some suggestions about what works for her, which may include limiting calls or changing the conversation when your mom starts asking to come home. Nothing about this is easy, but your mom doesn't see how much care she's requiring.
Then she asked to visit her sisters, so I had to be quick on my feet as each sister had a different life, so the fib had to be something Mom could relate. I never told her everyone had passed. My Mom was 98 years old.
With her dementia and inability to walk anymore, it needed a village to take care of her. Thus, 3 shifts of workers to help.
Senior living is expensive, it was costing my Dad $12,000 per month for my Mom to be in a nursing home. And it was costing Dad $5k-$7K for his senior living. He tried 3 shifts of caregivers for himself when he lived at his house but that was costing $20k per month, yes per month. If my folks didn't save for those "rainy days", Medicaid can help with nursing home payments, if your Mom qualifies.
Mom is entitled to her feelings & wishes. (Feeling sad will help her adjust).
But you don't have to make her wishes come true.
Just hold her hand.
Let her share her feelings.
Be the shoulder to cry on.
Bring her flowers or other small gifts & smiles to brighten her day.
💐🌺🏵️
"Going home" is a quest for a place in time and a level of comfort more so than a brick and mortar building for a person suffering from dementia. Your mother can move back in with you and STILL beg to 'go home' once she gets there.
That's the sad truth about the horrible condition of dementia. And we all lose when our poor mothers and fathers come down with it, and we have to watch them wither away before our very eyes. We lose them, bit by bit, every day, to a wretched disease that destroys them.
I'm sorry you're suffering, dear one. Wishing you peace as you accept what's happened to your mom and learning to find acceptance with it.
Most people that aren't home, would prefer to be home. That does not mean it is a good idea. If she is diagnosed with dementia, being in a facility might really be the best and/or safest option for her.
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