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Set the boundaries and stick to them. Yes she will moan and scream but so be it you don't have to stay and listen to what an ungrateful daughter you are or answer her calls especially if you are working. Turn your phone off or change the number.
One one of the days you visit go through her cupboards and fridge and make a list of what she really does need, estimate the cost and ask for the money up front. If there is any change she can have it back.
It won't be easy but it is the only way ahead.
You know your mother's calls and messages are getting under your skin. You NEED to DELETE the messages, all except the last one. You have that option so use it.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
I also wish she had a hobby or something else to do instead of ALWAYS looking to me to fill that void!!!
She just doesn’t see how strange or unhealthy this is to ONLY have your (grown 56 yr old) child providing you w/everything that normally should be between friends or having other interests..
Why is she like this????
Ugh!!!
Narcissistic people, as you probably know, are unable to understand and care how their words and actions affect others as it’s all about them, their needs and feelings. It’s not simple selfishness, it’s an illness. Of course being an illness doesn’t make it easier to deal with!!
She loves you, no doubt...her way...
I do want to mention though, that living together doesn’t equal being close to a person, which is what I was trying to get to. Being close to someone to me means you trust them, you feel you can rely on them, you see them as your close friend. I don’t think that’s been your relationship with your mom all along, and I’m not criticizing, just trying to understand your relationship and your communication style with her, because that defines what you can do now.
At this point, after dealing with her personality traits all your life, you know what does not work, reasoning with her doesn’t work. So, I really believe that if you don’t antagonize her, if you just remain calmed and loving, you’ll conquer more than with impatience or anger (which I KNOW is hard). But you NEED to be the bigger person.
Remember her codependent personality is off the charts right now as she’s so ill and so afraid, so by acting this way you’d make her feel you’re devoting your attention and love to her and that she’s understood. And hopefully that’ll make her lower her wall of fear and let you help her.
I know that attitude isn’t easy to maintain long term with a person that doesn’t give you any space, but unfortunately Hanging I don’t think you’ll have to do it for a long time. This is a very unique stage of her and your life, and the approach cannot be the usual.
Hope for the best possible outcome for you both!!
But it has explained to an extent why my mom acts the way she does, so thank you for letting me know about that.
Also Fear, obligation and guilt. (FOG)
No matter how much I brought up the idea that all my friends whether married or not did not live w/their parents, she would always say “I don’t care about what they do & besides how many of their mothers are widows who live alone”.
Now I think it’s because she was always afraid of living alone.
My mom had a few friends who gradually drifted apart as they got older & my mom has never made any recent friendships to replace her old ones.
She rarely went out alone.
Always wanted me to take her & go with her if she needed something.
Even before she became sick, & I was living on my own, I’ve always lived close by within a few miles she’d call me multiple times a day & night..it got to the point where I wouldn’t call or go see her for 2 maybe 3 days because I was very upset w/her neediness & being so clingy.
Then when I did get around to calling her she’s say “your not working this late at night why don’t you come over”, when it may have been my only night off of work & I wanted to just relax & stay home w/my animals, she’d shame me into not going to see her that often.
I would tell her my friends & people I work with, most of them don’t talk to their parents everyday, some call once a week, others once a month!!
She’d say, “yeah, I don’t care what they do, they’re nuts, they’ll be sorry when their mother dies and how they didn’t spend more time w/them”.
She’d say all this because I know she wanted me to think that “those people” mustn’t have loved their parents very much or they wouldn’t have neglected them like they did...
How do you deal with that kind of reasoning?
It drives me crazy.
You and I can face the same trials, yet approach them differently, feel differently about a situation. You’re a different person than your mom that’s for sure, there’s no shame in that.
Yet, I really don’t think she has trouble understanding where you’re coming from because she was the caregiver for so many. I think she just feels like a burden, which doesn’t necessarily stop her from asking more of you. And I repeat, I think she’s paralyzed with fear Hanging, she feels scared and lonely, please remember that. She has seen enough tragedy to fear what’s coming her way.
Find enough compassion in your heart for YOU AND FOR HER.
Hope you can find a way to get her the help you both need. It’s true what Countrymouse says, it’s really more help for you. You could present it like that to her.
I think you've understood your mother's perspective very well, what you say makes complete sense (and oh my God I don't think much of her guardian angel's work rate, that's for sure).
But understanding where somebody is coming from isn't the same as accepting where that leaves everybody now, and going forward. I'm sorry for all she went through. I don't suppose she was glad, exactly, to do all she had to do for the people she loved; I get that she must have had to grit her teeth a lot.
You're not her. Your choices are yours to make. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, and you still won't if you insist on assigning some tasks to people who can do them better (because they're trained, for example) and more willingly. Or, rather than more willingly, I suppose I mean less damagingly to themselves.
How about if you look on it as *you* needing help, instead of forcing help on your mother?
She’s very “street smart” because she’s had a very hard life, (all started as a child being raised by her grandmother because her mom remarried & the 2nd husband didn’t want my mom living with them because he didn’t father her)... this was back in the 50’s when a lot of women didn’t speak up for themselves, etc.
Then the “hard life” continued when she married my dad (who was incarcerated 3 times during my early childhood) leaving my mom to take care of not only myself, but my older sister who was born w/cerebral palsy.
My sister passed in 75’ when she was 15 yrs old.
So starting w/my sister (who was practically like an infant her whole life) she couldn’t walk, speak or do anything for herself, my mom was always a caregiver to someone.
My sister, her mom (when she got breast cancer, had chemo, radiation, hospice, etc) her grandmother (who raised my mom), my uncle (mom’s brother who died of AIDS) then my dad who had a stroke, went to a nursing home, was murdered (set on fire @ the NH), lived another 3 months in the burn unit @ Loyola Hospital.
So my mom doesn’t understand why it can be so difficult for ME to not do well as her caregiver, when I’ve told her I have difficulty doing certain things that caregivers do (like dealing w/the commode, bathing a person, odors, etc) but then she says “I know I’m a pain in the butt for you, but it will be over soon so don’t worry”...
Whenever she shames me like that it makes me very angry & I have to cut our visit short & leave.. then she’ll start crying & telling me how she doesn’t see me as much & for me to stay but by that time I’m so worked up I can feel my face getting really hot (mom keeps the heat on almost 80 degrees) & I have hypertension & am extremely sensitive to heat so I always lower it when I go there, sometimes I turn it off just to get a break w/how stiflingly hot is in her house..
I don’t think I have depression over all this but I do know that I have become much more of a loner.
I don’t want to socialize w/anyone, nor do I see friends (the few that I’m still in contact with) because the thought of going out w/them makes me very tired.. so I always turn down their invites.
I’ve pretty much cut off myself from them.
They know what’s going on w/my mom & I think they understand.
All I wish I can do is crawl into bed w/my animals & sleep.
A lot has changed in healthcare since she sadly lost her mother.
No one can make her accept any medications or treatment without her permission.
Hospice can provide much more in the way of wound care than she's currently able to get. And - I think it's true? - they can also supply all kinds of useful equipment that will make it easier for her to keep clean and comfortable.
It is her decision, of course it is, but you can make sure her information is up to date. Maybe you could download some pages from nearby providers for her to have a look at?
Your mom is paralyzed with true and heartbreaking FEAR. And you’re overwhelmed with worry, tiredness, facing a wall, carrying the weight of being responsible for another life, etc.
It’s a horrible situation for both of you. My mom also declines even an assessment, being a survivor. So we are in the dark and in the hands of God, which are really good hands to be, yet it is very hard.
My mom received aggressive treatment though when she was diagnosed and now it’s just a matter of being completely tired and refuse all medical care. Having seen what someone goes through receiving chemo, radio, etc., I understand and respect your mom’s opinion, and I think you should too. It’s really not a matter of IQ, it is a matter of choice and it’s a very personal decision. Sadly it is a choice that has consequences for her life AND yours.
I agree with who said that maybe having her aid talk to her along with you, about the importance to be seen by a doctor “just to ensure things don’t get worse than they need to be right now”, might work if done lovingly and understandingly.
Also, I don’t think your mom needs to know who’s who, right? meaning does she need to know hospice personnel come from a hospice? Can she just be told they’re additional help called to assist her through the latest developments?
Anything to help her and give her some peace. I really believe since things are evolving quickly (making it necessary to get more/different assistance), it won’t be as difficult to get her to agree to receive some help. Just depends on how things are approached.
You might think I’m focusing more on your mom’s wellbeing than in your desperate situation, but by worrying about her, I’m worrying about you. Long term you need to feel you did the right thing, like I’ve said before. And although very difficult to do -I know- try to calm her down, don’t antagonize her, try to be calm so she also gets a little calmer. Tell her you love her, hug her, comfort her...that might open the way to get her to do what you think she should do, and if not, it'll be something you’ll treasure forever!
Stay as calm as you can through this, and be strong. I’ll pray for you both 🙏
" limited " cognitively? Did she do poorly in school as a youngster? Because frankly, her whole take on "chemo is poison" ( um, yes, it kills cancer cells), " hospice makes people decline faster ( especially if you wait until they're actively dying to call them in) doesn't sound to me as though your mom ever had a nuanced handle on her medical condition, treatment options and prognosis.
She has the right to turn down treatment, but you, dear girl, have to practise self preservation. Having the state take over her care might be what is needed, since you have no legal standing to get her basic care.
Have you called APS today?
The one thing I was thinking about is whether you might be developing depression (if you’re not there already.) It sounds like you were able to enjoy your life at home before. But what you have been facing must be really hard. I hope you are still able to find some solace at home, and that you will go talk to your own doctor if you need to. You two sound like you care a great deal for each other, but it sounds like the past few years have been painful. Try to have compassion for yourself.
Unfortunately the truth of the matter is that she probably will pass within a few weeks whether hospice is involved or not
She had hospice for her mom & within a few weeks she passed away.
That must be in her decision.
You couldn't ask hospice to visit her at home and just offer an assessment? Set up the appointment on the understanding that if she tells them to bog off then so be it?
I wonder if mother might be more easily be persuaded to go to the ER for an assessment, followed up by a hospice assessment, if you reassure her that she is entitled to refuse cancer therapy. Promise to back her up on it IF that remains her choice when she has been given up to date information.
If she does not wish to have treatment at this time it is probably too late to hope for a cure anywaybut she definitely needs to be in some sort of care facility. I think you already mentioned she had Medicaid so she won't have a problem being placed..
You can also ask the police to do a wellness check as she is definitely a vulnerable adult.
Sadly, when our parents don't trust us or think that we have their best interests at heart, we need to being in the big guns to force care.
Be at peace with your decisions to call 911 now and APS tomorrow.