Mom wants me to buy her things that I can’t afford. What can I do?

Your mother is the most evil, vile, toxic individual I can imagine. In your place, I would thrown in the towel. Take her to the ER and say she's falling down, can't live by herself, no one to take care of her, over to you guys. The. End.

Yes, my income comes from being a dog walker & driving for Uber.
If I have no car, I have no work.
I’m 56 yrs old.
Bad arthritis in my hips, feet & hands.
I’ve applied to 6 jobs in the past year, not one reply back.
I’m thinking no one will hire me because of my lack of skills in almost anything that would pay a decent wage.
Have a high school diploma but that’s it.
Worked retail jobs, but that was over 20 yrs ago.
I’m not looking for pity but bottom line is I have so much stress from my mother that I KNOW I have some kind of low level depression that is preventing me from doing anything else (that would require a third job??), Hell Im lucky to be able to get out of bed when I wake up in 20 minutes because my arthritis is so bad.
My car loan is under water so I can’t even sell it to get another cheaper one.
Bad credit majority of my life so I always had to pay higher intnerests on car loans, credit cards etc.
Whose to blame for that??
No one but myself I agree.
But life hasn’t been too kind (as for most of us I know) and some of us can deal w/those issues when they come up, others not so well.
I’m the latter.
I have made list after list as someone suggested as to what my expenses are in regard to income.
Bottom line, I’m not making enough.
My payout exceeds my income but like I mentioned earlier, I can’t find any other jobs that will pay me me more.
And why should they?
I’m a “laborer”, “blue collar” whatever you want to call it so the wage is
Always less for someone who does menial work that a worker who uses his brain right??
I can’t cut any of my expenses because I need them.
I don’t have cable tv.
I’m not a clothes, shoes or makeup whore.
I haven’t bought new clothes in over 8 yrs.
I shopped @ Lane Bryant years ago when they held their yearly sale & I had to charge that purchase on my LB credit card.
I can’t get HUD housing where I live because it’s not available here.
As I’m posting this, it’s 1am & my mother has called me 4 times since midniite, fake crying saying “why don’t you come over & check on me?”
“Come over just for a few minutes”.
it’s 1 o clock in the morning!!!
She doesn’t give a ** about me having to go out alone at this hour & she knows how bad the crime is in our area..
She’s even called the police before & told them she “hadn’t heard from me all day & wanted to make sure I was alright” so the police come ringing my bell @ 3:45am & tells me “does your mom live alone?”.
“Yes, I tell them”.
I also told them she has anxiety & beggining stage of dementia.
That I was sorry she bothered them w/making them come out for this.
They were very nice & said “we understand”..
I don’t sleep well, was very dizzy all day so I did t go over to my mothers.
I spoke to her earlier & told her how I was feeling, she said “yeah, I’ve been very dizzy too, what time are you coming over?”.
I didn’t call her back so she starts & makes multiple calls tonight.
I think I’m getting an ulcer.

I’m wondering if anyone here can answer this..

What can happen to me legally if I completely stopped any contact w/my mother?

Worse case scenario, after she doesn’t hear from me after 24-36 HRs she would probably call the police.
What could she tell them?
The same **** she said last time she called them?
“Oh, I haven’t heard from
My ADULT daughter all day or 2 days & would you please go check on her?”..

So they do that & come over to my apt, I open the door & what can I tell them??

“I’m fine, but I’m not speaking to my mother anymore”???

Can they legally force me or try to talk me into calling her or go see her since she lives alone??

So I don’t do either.
And when she DOES manage to call her caregiver, the senior coordinator in her town, the medic alarm co, her pastor, etc ,whoever & tells them “I haven’t heard from my daughter, please help me would you call her to see why she isn’t calling me??

What do I tell those people??

Hangingon it isn't that you could legally be in trouble for cutting communication with your mother. It's that a) it wouldn't work, you'd just find yourself handling a heck of a lot more communication from her, channelled through other people; and b) how would it help?

Your mother has a weeping ulcer from breast cancer. She's very elderly. She's been through a heck of a life. She's on a limited income. You're all she has. C'mon, it's not *unreasonable* for her to cling to you. What would we expect a woman in her situation to do?

But I am extremely worried about you, because in some ways your mother is the least of your worries; and you will never know how closely I sympathise with you because there but for the grace of God. Moreover, if I too don't get my arse into gear (as we say this side of the pond), I'll be borrowing your shoes.

I look around me and within walking distance I have...

the dog
good people as neighbours
a church
a library
a doctor I haven't met yet
a job centre
a range of offices, businesses, and agencies of all sorts

So there *should* be nothing stopping me getting out there, talking to people, and finding a way out of the rut I'll soon be stuck in if I'm not careful. Except that, if I face up to it, I'm scared. What if they don't want me? What if they don't like me? What if they can't help me? It's easier to hide.

How about you? What's outside your door?

Is your mother on any medications for anxiety and/or depression?

Has she been to the oncologist? Didn't the home care nurse advise that, or am I confusing another thread?

Has anyone talked about her being eligible for hospice services?

If you work out a schedule of going over, say, three evenings a week and calling her on the days you can't go, would that work?

You are not Hangingon anymore. You are in crisis mode, get hospice involved, find volunteers to help you and her, she is scared shitless, she is dying a slow painful death, I know my sister had breast cancer that she chose not to treat, it spread throughout her body, it ate her spine away, she wouldn't sleep for fear of not waking up, she sucked the life out of anyone that got close, we were fortunate that there were many people willing to help, from church, she refused all but a half dozen, Why? Who knows but it made it hard on us, I had to minimize contact because she literally sucked my life force. I was exhausted after 5 minutes. I was also pi$$ed beyond measure that she was being so selfish, all this available help refused. She did not care about anyone but herself. So what I just left at 1130pm with a 45 minute drive and its 430am, i need you here.
So, I truly understand how over the top frustrated, angry, annoyed and....that you are. YOU ARE ALL SHE HAS, YOU HAVE ENABLED THIS, STOP IT RIGHT NOW ! Yes, it will take sometime to set up, maybe a week or 10 days but you will have some help on board. Hospice has volunteers that can set with her and tell her that if she refuses, you are done, you'll change your number, move and she will never see you again, period. Do not do this in anger, matter of fact. Tell her that you are not willing to give her your life blood because she wants to be selfish, I would ask her, if she were my mom, are you hoping to kill me with all of these crazy demands? Even if you do mom, guess what, you still die alone, it is not a family venture that anyone can do with you. So if you have any love for me, you will accept the help and let me be your daughter and not your kicking post. I want to see you more but I can't do everything. If you have help in, then I can come over for pizza and visit. Let her know that you are not going to abandon her because someone else is cleaning the commode. You want quality time with her.

I am not trying to hurt you with my words, you are hurt enough. It is time for you to be the adult and put the required care in place, she couldn't possibly be more mad then she is now but you could be dead. Morbidly obese, dizziness, fatigue, sleepless are all HIGH risk factors for stroke and heart attack. TAKE CHARGE NOW, this can be done, get hospice involved, they won't hasten her death but they will make her more comfortable and it may just save your life.

I completely understand how your mthr is driving you batty. When I started therapy it was in similar conditions - I felt like one of the two of us had to go, however that happened, and I really credit therapy for being what saved me. The first meeting with my therapist, she told me I needed to take a break from mthr until I could effectively say no to her. I was not in the crisis mode as you are where mthr was dying, but I would have felt the same way. Mthr had convinced me I could not live without her.

I would call Adult Protective Services and tell them that she is an adult in need of additional care, and I would tell them what is wrong. And I would say, I can't help her any more that she's been verbally abusive and you have to take care of your own well being before you can help her.

If they don't do anything, fine. You get out of that negative feedback loop. She obviously knows how to use the phone, has access to help, and refuses to use it. You are allowing her to use you, and only you can stop it.

I would tell your doc about this Monday. Tell him, "I want you to give me "doctors orders" that I can't go visit mthr more than 1 day a week.  And write me a prescription for a backbone, or at least an antidepressant that is cheap or free at Walmart." You need someone in authority to help YOU.

Last year (March 2017) a hospice nurse spoke to my mother about signing on for hospice. She told her all about what they do, how they help etc.
My mother refused.
She told her “yeah I know what you do, I had that for my mother & she died anyway”.
She said “I’m not ready for that yet”.
So no hospice.
She had never seen an oncologist.
She refused ANY treatment for the tumor on her chest except a weekly change of the bandage that a nurse does once a week when she sees her.
Care giver that’s there w/her Mon-Fri 12-4pm has no medical training.
She’s only there to empty commode, light housekeeping, etc.

It sounds to me like you need to focus on you and drive as many hours as you can for Uber so that you make more money to pay for your car. Your mother has been a distraction from your work.

Ive been at work since 5:30pm (it’s 9pm now) and she’s called me 6 times saying she needs me to come & empty her commode).
I know when I get to her later (probably around 11:30pm) my tolerance for her is gonna be very low.
I’m thinking of calling her APS guy & tell him I can’t go to see her anymore FROM NOW ON, she will really be alone.
He’s been pussy footing around saying that she’s already getting the allowed number of hours from Medicaid for a caregiver (yeah, 5 days a week, only 4 hours a day). And he said he couldn’t give her anymore..
So your pretty much on your own kid.
He KNOWS hers & mine incomes & that we can’t hire anyone else so basically we’re both *****.
Only thing left is if she falls or hurts herself at home, if she survives, she’ll go to the ER, but those mothers send her right back home because SHE TELLS THEM SHE WANTS TO GO HOME & NO OTHER PLACE cuz she’s able to still make decisions for herself.
Doesn’t matter what I tell the doctors, they all say the same thing..
“We can’t force her to go to a nursing facility”..even though they know she is alone..
I just know if I cut off dealing w/her I HAVE to find another way to make enough to support myself or I’m on the street..
I have so much resentment being in this situation I can’t tell you.because even though I’m taking all this aggravation, I still need her to help me pay my bills..
Makes me feel like a real piece of sh** having to take money from a dying parent but it is what it is..

Hangingon - You have been so open and honest on this forum. I feel like i know you so well, and the more I know about your situation, the worse I feel for you. I am really sorry for your situation. I have no word of advice because I can't think of anything that would help.

Your mother is helping to keep you afloat financially, but that very source of help is choking and drowning you at the same time. What a catch 22.

I rarely say or do this, but tonight I said a heart felt prayer for you, Hangingon61. May God bring you help soon. (((((((hug)))))))

Your mom refusing hospice - Your mother’s living conditions and her behavior should be more than enough to declare the situation an emergency and for her to be an indisputable candidate for help, if she’s not think about what’s wrong? What are you not doing or saying, or showing?

B) Please try to really understand this: Your mom is sick MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY. She cannot hep her behavior and she cannot stop having cancer. That is reality. So please don’t close the door of your life and leave your mom behind. Get her the help she needs, it’s not impossible. And still be her daughter, which is what she (and you!) really needs.

Doing a quick search online I found the following resources in Illinois. It would most definitely not hurt to call and seek help:

“What State Senior Services are Provided?

Area Agencies on Aging provide assistance with senior benefit programs, social security, Medicare, eligibility for low-income senior programs including home and community services (some states will provide part-time caregiving in the home through their home and community services program), along with:

Transportation
Home-delivered Meals
Prescription Drug Programs
Healthy Aging Programs
Case Management
Caregiver Training
Senior Activities
Support Groups
Volunteering

What services are offered by the Senior Health Insurance Program (SHIP)?

SHIP is a free counseling service for seniors and pre-retirees and is part of a federal network of State Health Insurance Assistance programs located in every state. SHIP counselors answer questions about Medicare, Medicare Supplement Insurance, Medicare Advantage and Medicaid along with prescription coverage and low-income assistance. You local Area Agency on Aging will have information on SHIP and many provide SHIP counselors to give group presentations.

Find Your Local Area Agency on Aging Office

Illinois Area Agencies on Aging: http://www.state.il.us/aging/

State Senior Services Help Line: 800-252-8966”

..Here is a crazy idea. Let the system help you, not only your mom! Declare yourself in emergency too (you are!). Get well informed about what’s available and doable, and please before you say there is nothing, do some research and make some phone calls.

Lastly, you’ll think this is the craziest advice, but your mom’s situation and yours are extreme, so extreme measures are not crazy to consider. While you get figured out what to do, let your mom pay for your car, just until you get a more clear horizon as to what will be done with her and with you. Because, how much worse can the situation really get? Really..it cannot! BUT don’t simply keep letting her pay for your car over and over! Hurry up, get organized and really focus on determining what your course of action will be.

Also, does she own where she lives? Once she goes to hospice can you move there? That would cut your expenses tremendously.

It may sound like this is advice inducing you to take advantage of your mom, but in both of your situations, it is not.

Think also about the HUGE risk you’re putting yourself and your passengers by driving when you’ve had only a couple of hours to sleep! I’d suggest to keep trying to find a different job. How about customer service representative? Some even work from home. Just ideas, ideas...to see if something doable!

I was so tired yesterday that my eyes were closing as I wrote the last part of my message. So when I typed “I’d look into abandoning your current life”, what I wanted to say is that I’d look into any thing, any resources available that could help to drastically change your life as it currently is.

Sorry about that, I was totally exhausted! but really hope we can somehow help you Hanging.

If she ends up in the ER the key words to say are “ her home is UNSAFE” and “ there is no one available to be with her “. Just keep repeating that. And most importantly do not show up at the hospital. Refuse to drive her home. My father would go to the ER so often I referred to it as his hobby. I refused to answer the phone when the hospital would call looking for a ride for him. They will call him a cab . I just couldn’t keep up with the sheer volume of rides to and from the hospital anymore.

Ikdrymom the hospital will use their medicar service to bring my mother home when I wouldn’t pick her up because she can not walk up her front porch stairs.
The paramedics bring her in a wheelchair type bed.
I’m telling you all these idiots don’t care or do anything because I’ve told them repeatedly that SHE LIVES ALONE & they keep saying “we can’t force her to do anything she doesn’t want to do”.
That’s it!

I don’t drive passengers anymore.
When I first started 2 yrs ago I did, recently I only drive for UberEats.

Rosses003 thank you for all the resource info.
I’ve called a few of those listed & they all said the same thing.
As long as my mother is saying she doesn’t want to go to a 24hr facility, no one can make her.
She has to be diagnosed by a doctor as not being able to make decisions for herself anymore..

And as far as her going into hospice, that was offered to her for her to have in her home but she is refused it.

Even if she did go to a hospital for that in the future, I can’t move into her house because she has a reverse mortgage & I would have to get out immediately when she died because the balance that she owes on it would be due right away & I’d have to sell her house.
Giving up my (current) apartment would not be advisable since i was very lucky to have found one that allows me to have my animals & is affordable.
But I have to say it has been difficult paying my rent because of the car payment..
I wish I could sell this car, & get a cheaper one so my payment wouldn’t be so high but I’m underwater on that loan..
I guess all I can do right now is hope my mother will continue to pay my note until the balance comes down, I could then trade it in, get whatever the dealer will credit me, and roll over the balance due w/the next car (cheaper, less$$) & have a new loan that will be way less for me monthly..I’m hoping to do that.
I was also hoping I could find HUD housing because I’m hearing that they would take a percentage of your income for the rent, something like 30% & that would be ideal because then things wouldn’t be so tight & hard for me to pay my bills.
But I’m told Chicago has done away w/that (HUD).
My mother has repeatedly tried to get me to move back in w/her which I’ve always refused.
Even when I TOLD HER that if she dies (before me), I would be homeless because I’d have to vacate her house when the RM comes due, and she just mumbled something like I’m making it up or whatever..pisses me off to no end.

Unbelievable my mother has called me 8 times in the last 3 hours after I TOLD her earlier that I would CALL HER when I’m done w/Work to get her list of what she wanted at the grocery store but she HAS to call & call & call like some kind of relentless bill collector.
I can’t wait till this night is over & her caregiver goes tomorrow.

She just won’t stop w/the calls.. wish I could change my number.:(

Hangingon - Keep venting here freely. It makes you feel better.

Do you want to talk about your work or something else? It might distract you for a while and give you a some mental break from thinking about your mother.

How was your Uber Eat work tonight? I have never used Uber or Uber Eat. How do they work?

Also, if you're in the mood for some silly jokes, there is a joke thread that I revived a few days ago.  A lot of gook jokes. A good laugh is very good for your health.

Very thoughtful of you Polarbear :)

Hi Polarbear:).
UberEats has an app that you’d need to download to your phone.
You’d register w/them (name, address, credit card/payment, etc), then you can put in your zip code & all the restaurants that deliver to your area will come up.
You then pick a restaurant & order off the menu.
Then you’ll need to add whether there are any specific instructions for the driver like “please knock, bell is broke”, or “wait outside” (in case you don’t want them to come to your door, you may be waiting outside at a location where you don’t live, etc.
UberEats charges you a $5.00 delivery fee (if may be a bit more in your area), then all you do is wait for your driver to deliver your food.
A picture of the driver will come up if you click on their driver profile.
After your food is delivered, you rate the delivery by leaving either a thumbs up 👍🏽 or down 👎🏽.
Your driver also rates the delivery the same way.
You also have the option of giving your driver a tip, you can choose $1,$2,$5, etc or customize.
Hope this helps.

Hi Hangingon

How are you tonight?

Thanks for the info on how UberEats works. I hope you get good tips because the delivery fee is not much considering how expensive gas is now, at least in my area (appxly $3.45/gal).

I just can’t anymore w/what my mother is expecting from me..
Besides her incessant calling she now expects me to come over every day to empty her commode.
Doesn’t matter if the caregiver empties it before she leaves each weekday (Mon-Fri) she’s there, if my mother goes after the caregiver has left, she calls me & says “You need to come over & empty the commode cuz it’s filled”..
That means that every %€cking day, she wants it emptied & who does she expect to do it???
Doesn’t matter if I’m at work or sleeping or whatever, she will call & call within minutes of eachother in a panic telling me “ok, did you get my other messages, I asked you to come & empty this commode, then you can go back to work.. I’ll be waiting for you.”

How TF am I going to get out of having to go there every day to do that??
What can I tell her??
I ask for advice here because I know what I would tell her & it’s not going to be very nice so I’m trying to avoid having to do that.
I think you all understand I’m close the point of total abandonment towards her & im trying really hard to keep that at bay but this has got me really, really boiling.

Instead of "abandoning" her, how about setting firm boundaries? That would involve taking her calls only on a schedule you make- can be once a week. Also not going over except one day a week. If she does not like the fact that her poop stinks, she can hire caregivers. I would call Adult Protective Services and tell them that she is neglecting herself, that you have never agreed to be her caregiver and you won't be, and she is demanding help you can't give. That's not abandonment, that's real life.

Depending upon how long it’s been since your mom got her first bedside commode, Medicare will pay for another. All you have to do is call a supplier with mom’s info and they can look it up.
You can also find used ones at thrift stores. You can purchase new “buckets” at the medisupply store.
Set up two commodes. The aid can change them both the next morning. She is probably telling them not to empty to manipulate the situation. But just in case she really fills a commode in a few short hours she’ll have a spare.
Now she will probably think of something else. She’s got all day and she’s smart. She gets plenty of rest even though she’s very ill. It’s you who is deprived and needs more rest. Easy to manipulate you being stressed out and all.
Just consider it.