Mom wants me to buy her things that I can’t afford. What can I do?

I'm not sure refusing treatment now, for breast cancer that was a concern twelve months ago with suspected lung involvement, is irrational.

I wonder if mother might be more easily be persuaded to go to the ER for an assessment, followed up by a hospice assessment, if you reassure her that she is entitled to refuse cancer therapy. Promise to back her up on it IF that remains her choice when she has been given up to date information.

Your mother has every right to refuse treatment of her cancer. But if she's going to call you because her wound is bleeding, then THAT is wants treatment. What about hospice isn't she ready for? The aide hours? The volunteer visitors? The Chaplain? Relief of her cancer pain?

She must be scared witless. What is happening to her body is horrific even to think about.

You couldn't ask hospice to visit her at home and just offer an assessment? Set up the appointment on the understanding that if she tells them to bog off then so be it?

She doesn’t want hospice because she is afraid that it will make her die sooner/quicker.
She had hospice for her mom & within a few weeks she passed away.
That must be in her decision.

Mom lives in Illinois.

Do you think if her Dr prescribed some anti anxiety meds that would calm her down enough to be able to decide what the best thing to do is?
Unfortunately the truth of the matter is that she probably will pass within a few weeks whether hospice is involved or not

My thought was that if Your mom could talk to a specialist, particularly someone who is compassionate and has a good bedside manner, they might be able to give you a prognosis and possibly refer you to other resources.  Sometimes it’s better to have information to work with because then you can at least know what your options are instead of feeling your way in the dark. But maybe for your mom, having control over her own story, or avoiding the things she is scared of, is more important than that.  It just makes it harder to plan for her comfort. 

The one thing I was thinking about is whether you might be developing depression (if you’re not there already.) It sounds like you were able to enjoy your life at home before.  But what you have been facing must be really hard. I hope you are still able to find some solace at home, and that you will go talk to your own doctor if you need to. You two sound like you care a great deal for each other, but it sounds like the past few years have been painful.   Try to have compassion for yourself. 

Hanging, this is going to sound cruel, but I feel like it's got to be asked. Is mom
" limited " cognitively? Did she do poorly in school as a youngster? Because frankly, her whole take on "chemo is poison" ( um, yes, it kills cancer cells), " hospice makes people decline faster ( especially if you wait until they're actively dying to call them in) doesn't sound to me as though your mom ever had a nuanced handle on her medical condition, treatment options and prognosis.

She has the right to turn down treatment, but you, dear girl, have to practise self preservation. Having the state take over her care might be what is needed, since you have no legal standing to get her basic care.

Have you called APS today?

.

Hanging, I’m so very sorry for your mom and for you. I know no matter what, your concern about your mom’s wellbeing right now has to be greater than the annoyance that has been the predominant feeling some times before.

Your mom is paralyzed with true and heartbreaking FEAR. And you’re overwhelmed with worry, tiredness, facing a wall, carrying the weight of being responsible for another life, etc.

It’s a horrible situation for both of you. My mom also declines even an assessment, being a survivor. So we are in the dark and in the hands of God, which are really good hands to be, yet it is very hard.
My mom received aggressive treatment though when she was diagnosed and now it’s just a matter of being completely tired and refuse all medical care. Having seen what someone goes through receiving chemo, radio, etc., I understand and respect your mom’s opinion, and I think you should too. It’s really not a matter of IQ, it is a matter of choice and it’s a very personal decision. Sadly it is a choice that has consequences for her life AND yours.

I agree with who said that maybe having her aid talk to her along with you, about the importance to be seen by a doctor “just to ensure things don’t get worse than they need to be right now”, might work if done lovingly and understandingly.

Also, I don’t think your mom needs to know who’s who, right? meaning does she need to know hospice personnel come from a hospice? Can she just be told they’re additional help called to assist her through the latest developments?

Anything to help her and give her some peace. I really believe since things are evolving quickly (making it necessary to get more/different assistance), it won’t be as difficult to get her to agree to receive some help. Just depends on how things are approached.

You might think I’m focusing more on your mom’s wellbeing than in your desperate situation, but by worrying about her, I’m worrying about you. Long term you need to feel you did the right thing, like I’ve said before. And although very difficult to do -I know- try to calm her down, don’t antagonize her, try to be calm so she also gets a little calmer. Tell her you love her, hug her, comfort her...that might open the way to get her to do what you think she should do, and if not, it'll be something you’ll treasure forever!

Stay as calm as you can through this, and be strong. I’ll pray for you both 🙏

Things you could try reminding her about:

A lot has changed in healthcare since she sadly lost her mother.
No one can make her accept any medications or treatment without her permission.
Hospice can provide much more in the way of wound care than she's currently able to get. And - I think it's true? - they can also supply all kinds of useful equipment that will make it easier for her to keep clean and comfortable.

It is her decision, of course it is, but you can make sure her information is up to date. Maybe you could download some pages from nearby providers for her to have a look at?

My mom went as far as Sophmore in High School because her family was very poor & she needed to go to work to help out financially so yes, her education wasn’t fulfilled, however my mom is not dumb or stupid.
She’s very “street smart” because she’s had a very hard life, (all started as a child being raised by her grandmother because her mom remarried & the 2nd husband didn’t want my mom living with them because he didn’t father her)... this was back in the 50’s when a lot of women didn’t speak up for themselves, etc.
Then the “hard life” continued when she married my dad (who was incarcerated 3 times during my early childhood) leaving my mom to take care of not only myself, but my older sister who was born w/cerebral palsy.
My sister passed in 75’ when she was 15 yrs old.
So starting w/my sister (who was practically like an infant her whole life) she couldn’t walk, speak or do anything for herself, my mom was always a caregiver to someone.
My sister, her mom (when she got breast cancer, had chemo, radiation, hospice, etc) her grandmother (who raised my mom), my uncle (mom’s brother who died of AIDS) then my dad who had a stroke, went to a nursing home, was murdered (set on fire @ the NH), lived another 3 months in the burn unit @ Loyola Hospital.
So my mom doesn’t understand why it can be so difficult for ME to not do well as her caregiver, when I’ve told her I have difficulty doing certain things that caregivers do (like dealing w/the commode, bathing a person, odors, etc) but then she says “I know I’m a pain in the butt for you, but it will be over soon so don’t worry”...
Whenever she shames me like that it makes me very angry & I have to cut our visit short & leave.. then she’ll start crying & telling me how she doesn’t see me as much & for me to stay but by that time I’m so worked up I can feel my face getting really hot (mom keeps the heat on almost 80 degrees) & I have hypertension & am extremely sensitive to heat so I always lower it when I go there, sometimes I turn it off just to get a break w/how stiflingly hot is in her house..
I don’t think I have depression over all this but I do know that I have become much more of a loner.
I don’t want to socialize w/anyone, nor do I see friends (the few that I’m still in contact with) because the thought of going out w/them makes me very tired.. so I always turn down their invites.
I’ve pretty much cut off myself from them.
They know what’s going on w/my mom & I think they understand.
All I wish I can do is crawl into bed w/my animals & sleep.

I'm sure they do understand, yes. Good friends do. Just... don't shut them out if they want to bring you an apple pie or anything, will you.

I think you've understood your mother's perspective very well, what you say makes complete sense (and oh my God I don't think much of her guardian angel's work rate, that's for sure).

But understanding where somebody is coming from isn't the same as accepting where that leaves everybody now, and going forward. I'm sorry for all she went through. I don't suppose she was glad, exactly, to do all she had to do for the people she loved; I get that she must have had to grit her teeth a lot.

You're not her. Your choices are yours to make. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, and you still won't if you insist on assigning some tasks to people who can do them better (because they're trained, for example) and more willingly. Or, rather than more willingly, I suppose I mean less damagingly to themselves.

How about if you look on it as *you* needing help, instead of forcing help on your mother?

Hanginon, you have no reason to be ashamed. We all have our gifts and callings, you are obviously not called to be a hands on caregiver, I can not do that either but we do what we can. Visit, hold hands, have conversations, deal with paperwork, whatever, so stop beating yourself up over what you can't do and remember and give yourself credit for all that you do. Hugs 2 u!

I’ve always disagreed with the expression ‘To judge someone you’d need to walk in their shoes’. First, because it’s not a matter of walking in somebody’s shoes..rather it’s about being them! And since that’s impossible, no one can judge anyone.

You and I can face the same trials, yet approach them differently, feel differently about a situation. You’re a different person than your mom that’s for sure, there’s no shame in that.

Yet, I really don’t think she has trouble understanding where you’re coming from because she was the caregiver for so many. I think she just feels like a burden, which doesn’t necessarily stop her from asking more of you. And I repeat, I think she’s paralyzed with fear Hanging, she feels scared and lonely, please remember that. She has seen enough tragedy to fear what’s coming her way.

Find enough compassion in your heart for YOU AND FOR HER.

Hope you can find a way to get her the help you both need. It’s true what Countrymouse says, it’s really more help for you. You could present it like that to her.

Hanging can I ask how was your relationship with your mother before her getting older and ill?

Rosses003 my mom & I were always very close, & I think I may have mentioned in an earlier post of mine that I lived w/her until my late 40’s because not only was I unable to afford rents in my area & support myself but my mom also never thought I should WANT to move out, unless I was going to be married to someone.
No matter how much I brought up the idea that all my friends whether married or not did not live w/their parents, she would always say “I don’t care about what they do & besides how many of their mothers are widows who live alone”.
Now I think it’s because she was always afraid of living alone.
My mom had a few friends who gradually drifted apart as they got older & my mom has never made any recent friendships to replace her old ones.
She rarely went out alone.
Always wanted me to take her  & go with her if she needed something.
Even before she became sick, & I was living on my own, I’ve always lived close by within a few miles she’d call me multiple times a day & night..it got to the point where I wouldn’t call or go see her for 2 maybe 3 days because I was very upset w/her neediness & being so clingy.
Then when I did get around to calling her she’s say “your not working this late at night why don’t you come over”, when it may have been my only night off of work & I wanted to just relax & stay home w/my animals, she’d shame me into not going to see her that often.
I would tell her my friends & people I work with, most of them don’t talk to their parents everyday, some call once a week, others once a month!!
She’d say, “yeah, I don’t care what they do, they’re nuts, they’ll be sorry when their mother dies and how they didn’t spend more time w/them”.
She’d say all this because I know she wanted me to think that “those people” mustn’t have loved their parents very much or they wouldn’t have neglected them like they did...
How do you deal with that kind of reasoning?
It drives me crazy.

Google "dependent personality".

Also Fear, obligation and guilt. (FOG)

BarbBrooklyn I did look up FOG & while I understand what that is, it isn’t really helping my situation as far as dealing with all that’s been going on.
But it has explained to an extent why my mom acts the way she does, so thank you for letting me know about that.

There used to be a comic called "Momma" in which the mother always came up with ingenious ways to make her children (I can't recall if it was one or more) feel guilty. I can remember one in which the mother, in an argument, ended something like "I don't care about the details, but I'm sure someone's mother suffered." It could make one wonder if some people had saved all of these comics for ideas to use as ammunition against their children!

'Momma' comic strip ended not all that long ago, repeats are available to be seen online. I loved 'Momma' - she was an elderly little widow with a single daughter, a single (useless shiftless) son, and a married son, constantly kvetching and bemoaning her 'sorry lot'. LOL. Funny, but pretty close to the real truth, what a nightmare!

Thank you for explaining this Hanging, your answer I think makes it clear that your mom has a codependent and narcissistic personality (I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure this is a decent ‘diagnosis’).

Narcissistic people, as you probably know, are unable to understand and care how their words and actions affect others as it’s all about them, their needs and feelings. It’s not simple selfishness, it’s an illness. Of course being an illness doesn’t make it easier to deal with!!
She loves you, no doubt...her way...

I do want to mention though, that living together doesn’t equal being close to a person, which is what I was trying to get to. Being close to someone to me means you trust them, you feel you can rely on them, you see them as your close friend. I don’t think that’s been your relationship with your mom all along, and I’m not criticizing, just trying to understand your relationship and your communication style with her, because that defines what you can do now.

At this point, after dealing with her personality traits all your life, you know what does not work, reasoning with her doesn’t work.  So, I really believe that if you don’t antagonize her, if you just remain calmed and loving, you’ll conquer more than with impatience or anger (which I KNOW is hard).  But you NEED to be the bigger person.
Remember her codependent personality is off the charts right now as she’s so ill and so afraid, so by acting this way you’d make her feel you’re devoting your attention and love to her and that she’s understood. And hopefully that’ll make her lower her wall of fear and let you help her.

I know that attitude isn’t easy to maintain long term with a person that doesn’t give you any space, but unfortunately Hanging I don’t think you’ll have to do it for a long time. This is a very unique stage of her and your life, and the approach cannot be the usual.

Hope for the best possible outcome for you both!!

God my mother has called me over 9 times today, 4 of the last calls within an hour & she knows I’m working but she leaves messages saying “there’s no work tonight come over & make me coffee” or “let’s talk about what your going to do w/the car”, etc wish I could get her to stop being so clingy/needy!!!!
I also wish she had a hobby or something else to do instead of ALWAYS looking to me to fill that void!!!
She just doesn’t see how strange or unhealthy this is to ONLY have your (grown 56 yr old) child providing you w/everything that normally should be between friends or having other interests..
Why is she like this????
Ugh!!!

Because she has a mental illness, Hanging. It's not her fault, and it's not your fault. It just is.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

Hangingon61 - I know exactly what you mean. I am living it, too. My mother is just like your mother, except worse because she lives with me. She is clingy and needy and has no hobby or interest. So all day long she asks me to take her places. I do that twice a day, but still she clings to me like a leech and she is sucking the life out of me. I just had to fix the lock to my bedroom so she couldn't just walk in any time she wanted. She follows me around the house, even to the bathroom. I am so sick of her.

You know your mother's calls and messages are getting under your skin. You NEED to DELETE the messages, all except the last one. You have that option so use it.

Stop pandering to her every need and quit enabling her. Decide how much time you are prepated to spend on her and do just that. "Mom it's Wednesday you asked for TP on Mon and when I brought it over I found a new pack, on Trues you asked for salt for the steps, you still have half a beg. Now it's Wed and you want window cleaner" Your apartment windows are cleaned professionally and you can't reach anyway. Now I am only going to shop for you on Sat when i do my own shopping so make a list and give me a signed check and I will buy what I can with that.
Set the boundaries and stick to them. Yes she will moan and scream but so be it you don't have to stay and listen to what an ungrateful daughter you are or answer her calls especially if you are working. Turn your phone off or change the number.
One one of the days you visit go through her cupboards and fridge and make a list of what she really does need, estimate the cost and ask for the money up front. If there is any change she can have it back.
It won't be easy but it is the only way ahead.

All good advice here thanks you guys but the thing is to be totally honest here is I’m suffering terribly financially (am close to having my car repo’d because I haven’t made the last 3 payments..
My mom knows this (yet she complains constantly about me having to work night & day to make ends meet & wants me to go over to her house to “check on her” every day after work.
So she’s offered to pay my car notes so my car won’t get taken back (then she’s really be up creek because not only will that prevent me from working but I won’t be able to see her anymore..
Won’t have money to take a taxi or UBER to her house so the main reason she’s willing to pay is because it will affect HER as well.
So whenever she pays a bill (of mine), I’m indebted to her going forward & then guilted into doing what she wants me to do..
After she’s paid a bill for me, there are times when I’m at work, she’s already called me 10 times that day & each message get increasingly angrier (because I have her number blocked so it goes straight to my voice mail, which aggravated her to no end..
She expects me to pick it up EVERYTIME she calls so when that doesn’t happen, she’ll say “oh, so you took the money I gave you but you don’t wanna come & see how I’m doing now right??”
“I’m of no use to you now so you figure, the Hell w/her huh?”..
Things like that.
I swear sometimes I want to drive my car straight into a wall & cut all this life off but I have my animals at my place who would die by the time someone found me..
I have a doctor appointment this Monday (my doc needs to refill my BP meds & she won’t do it unless I see her every 6 months & I’m due) & do you think she’s going to want to refer me to a psych doc when I tell her how I’m feeling??
You know how the doctor will ask you (at least mine have).. “so how have you been?”

I’m going to tell her the following:
My weight gain (she wrote in my chart that I’m “morbidly obese”), is directly attributed to my food addiction.
I KNOW I’m addicted, it’s not because of lack of willpower, I have willpower when it comes to other things in my life, just not food.
Food is my medicine.
My comfort.
My drug.
OK, so I have constant pain in my feet, legs, hips, back, occasional chest pain that’s been acting up the last 2 weeks.
Trouble sleeping I average about 5 hrs a night.
I know I have fibroids but I’m still getting my period (I know, I’m almost 56 yrs old & it should have stopped years ago, but I have skipped a period last Aug/Sept/Oct/Nov/Dec/Jan of 2017, then BOOM, got a period 2 weeks ago, so last year I thought I was entering menopause but again, I started up again this month..
The pain in my lower body makes me want to scream most days, so when I work which requires a lot of driving & walking, when I have to go see my mother after work, I’m half dead but I need to get her stuff done, laundry, change her bed sheets, clean out her commode, fix her sandwiches for the next day, fill her water jugs, pay her bills online.
When she starts up w/me I’m ready to blow a gasket.
She keeps the heat on 78-80 degrees.
First thing I have to do when I go in her house is cut off that damn heat!!
My blood pressure goes thru the roof, I cannot take that kind of heat.
She’ll start right away “don’t you dare turn my heat off!!”..
I tell her “if I don’t lower it, I can’t stay, you know I can’t tolerate it this hot”..
Then she’ll say “oh yeah, any excuse to not spend time w/me huh kid??”.

You know just writing about this is making my damn head hurt.
I gotta stop for now & go lie down.
I’m wishing you all a good night.
Thank you so much for letting me get this out here.xo

I really feel for you. Please know we are all pulling for you.

You aren't going to change your mother. You can only change yourself.

Do not take her money. She will hold it over you and cause more stress. Take on a third job or more hours before you do that. I know that sounds terrible but you gotta do what you gotta do....and it will provide you with an excuse not to see her.

Set up a schedule to visit her. No more popping over after work. You need to relax after work. You need time to spend with your furbabies. This every night stuff has to stop. Pull back a little. Visit for a short time M-W-F.

Start agreeing with her when she says you don't want to spend time with her. She says that so you feel bad and try to assure her she is not a burden.

Will she allow any outside help to come in? Explore free programs. If not, lay it all out to her. You can't keep up this pace and her only choices are go into assisted living or get more home health aids. If she doesn't like that ....too bad. She will either get over it or die mad.

You need to get yourself healthy. Her stressing you is causing you to do self destructive things, like over eating which brings on more health issues. I was having alot of health issues due to stress. I dropped some weight and all my pains went away. Please put yourself first.

There is no easy answer. We all backslide, but you have to try and make a few steps forward. I recently agreed to at least call a place to see what the cost would be for my father to move...his new obsession. I am so mad at myself for agreeing to do it. Of course I am not jumping right on it as I have alot of issues at work to deal with and just don't have the time during the day. He will have to just live with that.

Please sit down and make a plan on how you want to live your life. You can do this.

Hanging,

I really wish you could realize that based on your posts your life needs a complete change so you can actually live it (i.e. survive it!).

I know your mother plays a huge role in all this, but I’ve to tell you, the main problem is YOU.

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but I believe someone has to tell you this. You are the one allowing your life to become a self destroying hurricane.

You are responsible for changing it. About your economical situation, seat down and write down all your expenses, be honest as to what you really spend (it’s easy to use “should be” numbers instead of realistic ones). And start making changes so you can live within your means!

That alone will make a huge difference in your life. Is there public transportation where you are? Or anyone that could give you a ride to work? Think, really think outside the box! It’s not ideal to be left without a car but you only get to have a car if you can afford it! I’m not being sarcastic, I’m being realistic. Now, if sacrificing other things you could pay for the car then do that. Or maybe get a much cheaper car. Something, anything different than your current situation.

If the reason you’re going over budget is your mom (I honestly doubt it), well, stop! I don’t read a lot of guilt in your posts, just annoyance and tiredness, so you won’t have guilt stopping you, I don’t think. Just stop paying for things you cannot afford for your mom as well as for you!

Also realize that you need to get out of that circle of un-healthiness you’ve going on! Make an effort to go for a walk..everyday if you can! If you are going to stop visiting your mom after work then use the time wisely! A half an hour walk would do miracles for you, for your mind, your heart (your physical heart and your emotional one) and your body!! Get on going Hanging, your animals will appreciate you more taking care of yourself in a healthy way than laying down with them. Food and animal hugging is very comforting I know, I understand...but it’s not healthy and you should tell your doctor about what’s really going on, to see if you can get better help.

Let me repeat, even if you take your mom out of the equation YOUR life seems to need a complete overhaul!!

Please realize this Hanging. You need to give this priority so you stop thinking about driving the car up to a wall..and the only thing that stops you is your animals...Read your own comment, you’ll see your life is screaming for help and a change...and only YOU can do this! (And you really can, trust me. We all can make changes if we really want to).

Be Aware, be responsible, be loving (to yourself) and TAKE ACTION!

God bless you.

If her job is driving for Uber, her car is her livelihood. Just want to point that out.