Mom took good care of her parents & my dad when they were all old & sick. Now it's my turn to care for mom but I hate it...

You are not a bad daughter, #1.
#2, your mother could easily live to 100, my mother is 93.5 with more issues than Newsweek, including moderate dementia, and still not ready for hospice. She's like the Energizer Bunny; keeps going and going and GOING.
#3, your mother doesn't have to be in physical decline for Memory Care; she has to be in MENTAL decline, which she apparently IS if all she does is stare at your face all day and soil the bathroom.
#4, things will continue to get worse as the dementia progresses; the behaviors worsen, the incontinence issues mount (as a rule), and the dangers mount as well when she starts to wander outside alone, get into the chemicals under the sink, start cooking and leave the stove on, etc. Read all about dementia/ALZ and educate yourself about what to expect so you'll know what is coming up.
#5, cultural obligations are not a good reason to take care of a parent in your home. I know. My Italian father insisted we care for my mother's mother inside our home. For 25 years. They fought like cats & dogs my mother and her mother, making MY life and entire childhood a living nightmare. To this day I have a crappy relationship with my mother but one good thing came from it: I vowed NEVER to take my mother in to live with me. N.E.V.E.R. To hell with cultural obligations when lives are at stake. Why is YOUR life LESS important than HER life? Ask yourself that question, because you are sacrificing YOUR happiness for HERS. For no good reason, I might add. Assisted Living/Memory Care does a splendid job of caring for my mother........MUCH better than I could ever do, frankly. And she has lots of others to talk to and complain about, 3 hot meals and 3 snacks, activities, etc etc. Her doctor comes in once a week and she can complain to her about all of her fabricated diseases to her hearts' content. And I can be the daughter instead of the care giver, and everyone is happy. It's a win-win situation instead of a living nightmare.

Think about YOURSELF now and stop with the "I'm a bad daughter" routine. You are a human being and the quality of your life is being greatly diminished by the burden you've chosen to take on. What are you going to do about it?

Best of luck!

This has nothing to do with being a good or bad daughter or with what your mother did for her parents. Caregiving isn’t an owed obligation. It’s a choice. And it’s not a choice that everyone can or should make. Just because parents cared for others or even us doesn’t mean we somehow twist this into having to do it for them. It’s done out of love and a sense of wanting to provide the care. And I think it’s harmful to both you and your mother to do it when it’s not what you can handle, much kinder to you both to find care that’s better able to handle it.

I am taking care of my grandma and it has been hard, its a lot of work. I have 3 other siblings who dont help, she raised us when her only child passed away at 32. I was starting to feel railroaded into caring for her myself... No one asked me too, they just told and showed her they were unavailable and living their lives. Knowing my grandma deserves to have the help she needed i volunteered. I felt burden settling in and animosity making it harder to care for her. Im 52 and have been disabled for 8 years and just feeling better and ready to get back into life. Not to mention my last of 4 just graduated this year and I'm ready to LIVE or try too. What life I can. However, God saw different and sent me my grandma who bad terrible dementia and otherwise in great health at 97 this year. I love her dearly and feel the strain of caring for her. Nit to mention she took care of herself for this long... I know she dosent want to burden me. She has never had to care for anyone aging in her life, but she took in four children my mom left her with in her passing. She never complained and she did a great job. Ive taken that stress off her and ive worked on me. Besides growing old is an honor, I also would have loved to see her turn 💯 if her mind allowed her too.

What ive done to do this:
❣️Gave up expectations of what i feel life should be like and let it happen. When we force our desires sometimes we end up disappointed.
❣️ let go of expectations of others. You cant make them, just like you shouldn't try to make yourself.
❣️Enjoy my grandma by helping her have life after she could no longer give herself.
❣️ enjoy spending her last days of knowing me.
❣️Make her feel good about herself.
❣️ reward myself and give myself time alone
❣️pray
❣️ encourage her to be at peace as she is hurt by the changes of her mind as well. Remind her that my added brain is there to assist her.
❣️I hold her hand and love the moments she gives me of herself. Sometimes she's too stricken with grief over her loss of memory.
❣️ I became her friend. I love holding her hand and kissing her. My rewards.
❣️ become humble
❣️ talk to someone who can relate.

I also recognize the truth... One day I will be old and may lose my memory. I mean dont want to be a burden to anyone as she didn't. We all may have our day as our parents have had. Please I pray that someone will do the same for me.

Anything we do against our hearts is not done out of love and should not be done.
Find an affordable care for her and visit. Being a caregiver without the heart and love will only hurt her more. It does not make you a bad person. Honesty is always best. But truly you have to search your soul to find the real answers.

In other times, in other lands, in other cultures this was the way it was. And it was not questioned. Believe it or not, it was this way in the United States as well. There were more families living and working together of different generations, often on a farm setting, where many in family were present. You are the unfortunate one to be on the cusp of so much change, and it is not longer the norm here for many years. In those days people lived and died in their home, had wakes in their homes and were buried on their own property. No longer at all the norm in the United States and changing in other countries as well. It will be hard for you to now make a decision. For several generations now in my family it was not expected or accepted that the young cared for the elders. So for me it is so much easier. But for the middle generation in immigration OR in own country, it is the case.
You will grieve if you make the decision for your own life and it will be hard with your own inner expectations. Only you can make the decision. Sacrifice your life to this care, or accept that times are changed and changing, and accept the grief. I stress accept the grief. Grief is much different than guilt. Grief means that you must cry, that things either cannot or will not be different. So many things in life are worth grieving. But guilt means something else. It means that there is a choice, and you fear you are letting down your own moral standards by your choice.
You will have to make your own choice. Many on the forum have had to do so. Many are torn and sad whichever way they went.
My heart goes out to you. You can only make this choice on your own, alone. And there is honestly not a good answer; not everything can be made right, can be fixed.
I wish you so much luck, whatever your choice.

Having been a caregiver for my Mother for 7 years, live-in, full time with little help until closer to the end. I know we can be our own worst critic.
The saying “the parent becomes the child” is true. If you reframe the situation to being a responsible parent for a child you can see things differently and much less critical. Our parent cared for us, changed our diapers, taught us to be kind to others, read to us until we could read, fed us until we could feed ourselves.....etc etc. And now here we are at an age where we are supposed to be excited to travel in our retirement, pick up new hobbies, enjoy peace and quiet in an empty nest now that our own kids are grown..... and now, suddenly, with no warning, our Mother has declining health and needs someone to care for her... and we’ve been elected!

I wasn’t elected....I volunteered! For 6-9 months, the brochure with all the pretty pictures said nothing about potentially 7 years!

I would have been so much better off had I been able to see myself as the Mother of a 2 year old who looks a lot like Mom. I would have felt some control of the situation had I put myself in the managers position instead of wanting to stay the child and wondering when Mom would be Mom again.
Not going to happen.

Give yourself the first gift in an ongoing list....Find a therapist! I’m serious! You need someone to vent to about daily events so you don’t beat yourself up for the hyper-critical perspective. They listen, don’t judge and you leave feeling better.

Take a walk by yourself or with your Mother. A 10 minute walk to get away from the frustration will do wonders for your frame of mind and your Moms. Walking gets the blood flowing. She will be resistant! How did our parents get us to eat our pea’s when we hated them.......a treat! What does your Mom enjoy that you can use.

Try to remember dementia is a serious disease! She can’t help it! If Doctors don’t have it all figured out how can we be expected to know what to do.

Find a local Caregiver support group! Ha! Good Luck with that. People, please start local caregiver support groups! Churches and community buildings let AA use their facilities. Well, if caregivers don’t get some ongoing local support we may need AA. Just kidding!

You and your Mother get in the car and go for a drive. Change the scenery! Take a picnic to a park. Go to the mall and disguise walking as shopping. Be creative! Yes, these are all methods I used.

Last, but most important, Laugh! Find a comedian you enjoy, cable channels, podcasts, an audiobook, if you can get your Mom to laugh it will do more for her spirit and moral than anything.
My motto was “if I didn’t make Mom laugh so hard she pee’d her depends at least once a day, I wasn’t doing my job right!”

I don’t mean to sound like a know-it-all, I’m not! I learned a lot during 7 years with my Mom. I just didn’t learn it until long after she passed. It’s been 3 years and I’m just now starting to see things clearly.

Good Luck! My dear! Stay in touch with this forum on your progress or lack of progress....it’s ok!

Forum’s like this were my best source of medical and non-medical guidance.

All the best,
Dianne

Thank you all for giving me very valuable guidance on helping me think through my confusion and sharing your stories. Like AlvaDeer says there is no right answer and yes, I think Im worried about my own morals....I was struggling to put words to my feelings but you are all so wonderful to diagnose my situation.

After coming to this website, I'm trying to accep that my life matters too and it's ok to put mom in a memory care facility when the time comes.


God bless you all..

Life doesn't always go smoothly, and it's really hard when it doesn't go as you want. I get it -- my life also went on hold in 2018. It's something you have to get your head around even if your mom wasn't living with you.

You're starting the switch from being the child to being the parent. It's a delicate dance as you begin to balance respect for your mother with needing to help her with basics tasks as you would with a child. Just like raising a child, patience is vital. Please try not to lose it with your mother -- she can't help getting old.

A good daughter's job is making sure your mother is safe and properly cared for. You aren't required to do the job yourself, but you are required to see to those things being done. Time to sit down with your husband to make some plans.

I also suggest you check the Alzheimer's Association website to educate yourself about dementia and got ideas on how to best help your mother. You shouldn't go down this road in a bubble or expect yourself to instinctively know what to do. Education is one of the mort important tools you can have.

Wren1984 oh my my my!! Your life mirrors my life!! I
coild say those exact words, every one. I feel your pain, feel assured others share in the same life stresses as you and know that this too shall pass...don’t know when but it shall pass. I get short tempered at Mom, too. I feel guilty afterward and I’m a good Christian girl who asks God for forgiveness constantly. I’m living His plan, not mine, so I believing He will get me through this journey...but I do need coping skills! And am in the process of finding a caregiver support group. Blessings to you my sister. I’ll be looking for answers too.

Please keep in mind that some people are caregivers and some are not. Some people are wonderful cooks and some are not. Both are connected to patience perhaps, I’m not sure.

So, no you are not a bad daughter. You are a daughter that knows her limits. In my book, that makes you a smart daughter. You know to get your Mother better care than you can give.

By the way, tell your husband that if someone has to become the caregiver, it will have to be him, lol.

"Am I a bad daughter????"
No.
"Mom is physically ok and not ready for memory care."
Based on your description of her behaviors, what makes you so sure that she isn't ready? Is SHE not ready or are YOU not ready to consider it?

I have not read the other comments yet, so if this has been covered, I apologize. Sometimes people, even on this forum, will chastise us for not caring for our parents. Oh, they gave up everything for you, etc. Oh back in the day family always care for family... and so on. However your raising mom onto a pedestal and feeling you are failing at the same is missing some information. Were her parents and your dad just old, medically compromised, frail, etc or did they have dementia? I am well aware that my mother and her sisters took turns caring for their mother. The differences are:
1) their mother did NOT have dementia.
2) their mother was EASY to care for.
3) their mother could be left alone during the day.
4) their mother passed ~age 76 before most of the siblings hit retirement age

I had, many times over the years, considered taking my parents in, even offered once, although I really felt that was NOT going to work out well, at least for me. Mom and dad had a GREAT retirement, traveled a lot, partied a lot with friends and family, had a place in FL for winter, etc. MANY golden years! After dad passed, she was content living in her condo and doing for herself. She was just about 90-91 when signs of dementia showed up. First the car had to go. That wasn't fun. I filled in to take her shopping or deliver supplies. Then I had to take over the finances. She still lived alone, so it wasn't clear how much she was forgetting, but she was content. It became more obvious over time, like finding the fruits/veggies purchased the last time all shriveled up in the fridge! She wasn't cooking, but was relying on frozen dinners and boxed/canned stuff. But, being unable to understand that or plan, she wasn't buying enough to last between trips to the store!

So, if your grandparents and dad did not have dementia, it is still an honorable thing your mother did in caring for them, but it should NOT reflect back on how difficult this is for you. Another factor is whether your mother was working at the time she had to care for them. Back in the day, women could stay home and could provide the care needed for young and old. Today it often takes 2 incomes to make ends meet, but it is also something that many women DO want - a fulfilling existence, working in a chosen loved profession!

Do reconsider whether she might be better off in a MC facility. It doesn't mean you abandon her. It DOES mean that you can become her daughter again, advocate for her and visit her often, instead of being a nursemaid hovering over her and cleaning up after her. Take her out (after virus), bring her gifts, spend quality time with her!

We tried bringing in aides, to keep mom in her home as long as possible, but after less than 2 months she refused to let them in. For multiple reasons (age, my own physical issues, a house that isn't handi-capped and likely can't be, plus a woman who outweighs me by a lot and won't stand/walk without a LOT of help that I can't provide), I chose not to take her in. Her place wouldn't have been a good choice either, so I did my best to find a very nice place, not too far from my house (her condo was 1.5 hr away!), manage everything for her, visit often when I still could and see to it that she gets the best care and her needs are provided for! Even that can take up a lot of time, but it would be better than what you are going through now. Much as we might want to follow in a beloved parent's footsteps, sometimes we have to find a different path - not a bad one, just different. You are NOT your mother and should NOT feel less of yourself that this daunting task has you in over your head!

Dementia REALLY changes everything.