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What is your mother's prognosis with stage 4 cancer? Would hospice be appropriate at this time?
Jenny should not be burdened with feeling responsible due to a manipulative grandmother. If she has time and wants to help - great. If not - grandmother will eventually have to understand. perhaps she also just enjoys seeing her granddaughter.
Try just showing up in your daughter's place. What would Mom do if she needs help, send you away? Be firm, because right now your Mom knows she can get her way. There is no harm to start using "theraputic fibs" to get our elders to do what is best for them and for the family caregivers. Does Jenny work? Tell Mom Jenny got called back into work.
If Mom complains about how her bandages hurt when being changed, just agree with her. And just agree with all of the other complaints. Then Mom will hopefully get tired of complaining because you aren't giving her something to fight about.
Since Mom doesn't have dementia, we really do need to put ourselves into her shoes. She lives by herself, alone all day. That probably isn't how she had planned her retirement. She can't hop in the car and drive herself to the mall, or to meet friends for lunch. She is dealing with age decline plus cancer. I wouldn't be user friendly, either. Does Mom have anyone else she can talk to, siblings or close friends?
Go into seeing her with a plan of what the tenor of your interactions will be like and refuse to be pushed into anger or guilt. If she becomes demanding for Jenny tell her you love her, it is impossible for Jenny to come right now and your all she's got. If she becomes abusive tell her you can tell it is a bad time and you will be back in two hours to change the bandage. Be sure to text Jenny that you are with grandma and that she should expect calls. Grandmas calls should have their own ring tone so Jenny can ignore them without looking at her phone.
If her conduct continues explain you are committed to her care, but that if she feels you are not meeting her needs, she can hire help or arrange to go to assisted living. Point out that this is her life and that she must make these decisions for her care. You will do your best and expect your efforts to be appreciated, if she is unable to appreciate your love and care it is probably best for her to hire a professional. Say it gently, constructively with no apologies - ball is in her court.
Your daughter is an angel for helping as long as she did, because many grandchildren wouldn't. I sympathize with you, because we all want to make our parents happy. And especially during this difficult time I'm sure its not easy on your mom either. Maybe she thinks this is the only way she can get her granddaughter to visit her.
It is time to be firm and compassionate. Better to be upfront and explore alternate care arrangements. I can see the anger and resentment escalating and its just not worth it. Like the others said maybe its time for hospice care.
To me the primary issue is the same as a previous writer, and that is what is your mother's mental status.
If she has stage 4 cancer then she has metastatic site other than her bowel. This could likely be in her brain or in an area that affects her brain function. If this is the reason for unreasonable behavior than no amount of planning, explaining, or getting a plan togethr with daughter os going to be effective. If this has been her behavior/personality all her life then it is also very unlikely to change.
So maybe it gets down to safety. Is she competent and does she have the judgement to participate and manage her care?
Doesn't sound like it.
If she will not allow you to be there and assist her, and your daughter can not anawer her every demand she need supervised care. Hospice can assess and perhaps add enough services to manage her care. If she is not ready for this then you need to talk frankly about your concerns to her MD. She does not sound safe from herself and her decisions to beliving alone.
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