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wuvsicecream, thanks for your comment. I derive so much comfort from reading about the trials and tribulations of other caregivers also.

I hear exactly what you are saying. My mom is at the Nursing Home temporarily now because she broke a rib. Her dementia is so much worse at hospitals and at these NH's.

She called me a couple of days ago and said "Karen. I'm done at the hairdressers now. I need you to pick me up." yes, she had just gotten her hair done there, but no, she was not being released that day. She got angry with me when I started questioning her. I was trying desperately to figure it out. Was she really done at the nursing home? The more I tried to GENTLY question her, the angrier she got. I spoke with one of the nurses there and explained the situation and she went to talk to mom. "Hey, you know you're here for therapy right?" Mom: "yes" and that was the end of that.

What? You have to be kidding me! Mom was on a tirade with me and insistent that I had to pick her up and 2 damn seconds later, she all of sudden "gets" it, Huh? I asked the nurse "did mom mention anything about me picking her up?" No, says the nurse.

Double duh!

Is dementia really like this? Out of it one minute with anger and persistence and then "with it" the next?
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kareno If you susspect dementia the sooner she is diagnosed and properly medicated the better. The meds will slow down the process. Just remember that once meds are taken for dementia it is very important that they are taken at routine schedule, if not it can be a bigger problem, and someone else needs to give them to her due to her confusion.You have a great and patient, open mind and open heart, try to hold on to all of this. You have figured out the puzzle so to speak. I just want to give a heads up on the "weak point" it took me a while with my Mom to figure this out but, just when you think you figured her out... she is doing the same thing, you also have "weak points" too and she will most likely find yours so, just be aware of the "LIL' TRIX". My mother faked naps so she could "escape" (I was so terrible I locked her in..LOL I am horrible for keeping her safe) she faked me out by distraction when she was taking her plls, I would find them hidden in drawers in my car my friend found them at her house , and I" swear she had swollowed them (I was poisining her she thought) the list goes on but you get my point. She was making me think she was being good so she could do the opposite. The other day at the NH she acted like she wanted to have a nice visit so I got comfy and took my coat off (nice and long visits are few and far between, I should have known...DUH) no sooner did she distract me, so she could grab my coat. I thought that she thought it was hers at first, but she knew it was mine and said "you took all my coats so I'm taking yours" unfortunally she saw me give some of her 100 coats to good will prior to her NH days. How she recalls that ???? but she does. So try not to let her know or see things that are dramatic, when you really are just trying to do whats best. Good Luck and stay possative!!!!
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The ONLY way to stop them from being scammed while in assisted living is to make sure you have Guardianship/Conservatorship. That way, they no longer control their finances, and cannot write checks. Have their mail forwarded to the Guardian/Conservator, and they will not receive the junk mail.
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A word of advice to those of you thinking that placing your parent in Assisted Living will help....putting my dad, addicted to sweepstakes/get-rich-quick scams, in a facility (at a cost of $4000 per month) made the situation worse than when he was living alone, as they tell me that they have no authority to either filter his mail or to stop him from spending almost 100% of his waking hours in his room writing checks!
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I had the exact same problem with my Dad. He was sending money like crazy to sweepstakes. He too, had thought it was all a scam, and started to believe he was going to win for sure. Little did I know, that is was because of the dementia. I believe in order to prevent this and other scams, one needs to acquire POA, and file for Guardianship/Conservatorship. That is what I had to do with my Dad, so her could no longer be scammed or hurt by these scam artists.
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I tried everything and finally since I have Power of Attorney, I had her checks made so that it took two people to sign them. That worked for awhile until she started forging my name on them. Then I put a stop payment $20 per check on the ones she had written, some of which were $20 or less so that they would NOT pay to those companies again in the future and took my mother OFF of her own bank account so that her signature were not good, and just took over her banking. She spent $600 one month out of her $800 income to Kreskin (the mind bending pschic and sweepstakes) so it was getting out of hand. She spends all of her time shuffling through her mail. I now have her mail coming to me. They will not forward bulk mail so they have to put a lock on her mailbox so the junk won't be delivered to her. This has gone one for 4 years and more money than I can count. She has thought of every trick in the book to hide it from me to continue mailing out to these scams and finally this is my last resort. She will not believe they are scams even though I have shown her some of their names online as scam artists. I live in another state so I cannot monitor her every move. I feel horrible, but I am going to have my girlfirend get her magazines to read on her horoscope and hope it keeps her busy with her need to read this stuff. Don't know what else to do. I am also looking into Assisted Living.
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To give everyone an update:
I was going to "just" do the legitimate sweepstakes for my mother, but I have a feeling that would then open up the floodgates for more. Since even "reputable" organizations sell their mailing lists, I didn't even bother.

Instead I went to the post office and explained my mom's situation (I love her. I am concerned. She probably has early dementia. She's sending checks all over the place and ordering things she said she never ordered).

Long story short, I asked them to forward all of her mail to me. And they did! They asked if I have Power of Attorney (I do) and asked me to drop off a copy to them (haven't done it yet) and they now forward everything here.

My advice to others in similar situations is not to give up. If you have POA go to the post office as I did. I told my mom I love her and I want to help her with her bills because I LOVE DOING PAPERWORK and I can't wait for us to the bills together and spend time together and chit chat doing it all at my house. Since mom loves being with me, it was an easy sell.

That day anyway. As you all know with memory issues, the same questions keep coming up "why am I not getting anymore mail?" etc to which I reply "I want to help with the bills because it's fun to do them with you" or something similar. So far, so good.

Find their "weak point" and capitalize on it. Just remember, you're doing it for their own good. White lies.
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Karen, have you had any luck with the "legitimate" sweepstakes research you were interested in? I know it's sad to see an elderly person or any person, for that matter, gamble their money away, but if you found some that were at least not criminal enterprises, that would be better than nothing? Also, most legitimate sweepstakes are free! Maybe just the act of filling in the entrance fields is exciting for your mom, and she doesn't need to send in any money.
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This seems to be a common problem, scam artist take advantage of anyone who is willing to scam. Scammers prey on the weak. Simple but temporary solution is a mailbox that locks. Or instead of arguing about it offer to help fill-out the forms and offer to go to PO to mail it for them. Go with the flow of the scenerio, fighting it is pointless and stressful and endless.
Anyone who has a mental illness should not be in control of thier legal, finacial, health issues, driving or anything that can cause harm or danger to themself or anyone else. Therefore, someone else needs to be there for them, and 2 ways to do so are, the person giving power, by signing Power Of Attorney, or by Guardianship granted by Court, if you haven't done so at this point. Getting proper diagnosis of behavioral health is first step you should take once this kind of problem is an issue.
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My 88 year old dad has been doing this for six years, and has spent over $150,000 on scams, sweepstakes, etc, almost all of his life's savings! Once a year he becomes so agitated that he allows me to throw all of the letters away (he gets at least 25 a day), and he has moved twice and returned to the post office after I left instructions not to forward mail, and it starts all over again. He spends every waking hour writing checks (about a hundred $20 checks a month, or $2000!). I have tried reasoning with him, explaining how these are scams, etc etc...his banker has explained, his psychiatrist has explained, but he just thinks we are all out to get him. Why is there no way to either stop the scammers or take over financial responsibility for our parents when they clearly are under the influence of alzheimers! Someone has to be able to do something.
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Thanks so much Jennie and to everyone else who took time to respond
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I think the one I used to get was called "Contest Newsletter". I searched for it on Yahoo, and came up with it and others as well, some of which appear to be free! Good luck. Glad you liked the idea.
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My mother in law kept sending money to a lot of charities. Fifteen dollars each but ended up her checking account was $7,000 in the red because she couldn't balance her check book. My advice is take away her finances, pay her bills and get her what she needs.
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Jennie, Wow, what a great idea about the legitimate sweepstakes. I never thought of that. Would you mind telling me the name of a legitimate one if you know one? Thanks.
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I would like to recommend contacting the postmaster where you live. This sounds like mail fraud to me. Also, contact the state's attorney general. They should have a consumer protection department. To satisfy her desire to enter sweepstakes, you might consider getting her a subscription to a legitimate sweepstaking newsletter. I used to get one myself. They give you all the rules and addresses to enter REAL sweepstakes, as well as helpful tips. All it costs, other than the subscription rate, is the cost of envelopes, stamps, and 3x5 cards and note pads. I won a few small prizes, myself ,in the year or less that I did it. Winning real prizes that you learn about from a trustworthy newsletter will surely be much more fun than what she's been doing. If she will just enter ONLY the ones her newsletter tells her about...
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tell her you are going out, and can mail them for her.
then open up and,get the money out,and toss the junk away
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Dear karenp, You have done the right thing, by having her mail redirected to your address. In Australia, with this type of Scheme, we can contact the Office of Fair Trading, maybe you have something similar in your area. I can see your Mums' point of view, some-one has too win, but unfortunately, some of these Schemes are illegal. Hope you you can get your Mum to see that she is wasting her time. "Good Luck" Regards, Gossips
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I transcribe police reports for about 25 police departments. This is a very real threat. I see it every day. It only takes a person to be desperate, too trusting, or not of sound mind in some form or another. Once she sends in her info to these bogus prize agencies, she will get a phone call from an "authorized agent." They will talk her into sending a preset amount of money in order to receive her prize. Once she does this, she will not hear anything for awhile. She will get anxious and call the number they provided to her. At that point they will tell her to send more money. It's always a different reason why they need more money. Watch her phone bill for calls to places like Canada, England, anywhere in the Caribbean, etc. Have your name put on her bank account as a joint account. Make sure you sign up for online banking. You can then monitor any pending withdrawals daily and nip it in the bud. See if you can get her to sign a power of attorney for her business matters to cover your @#$%. These are very real preditors and they are normally out of the country where they are safe from the laws of the country where they are victimizing citizens. If something does happen, make a police report, notify the bank of the issue and that you made a police report and provide the bank fraud unit with the report number. Her money is insured so if you take the correct steps any money should be put back into the account. Don't waste any time in taking these steps because the first thing the police will ask is why you waited so long to report the incident. I hope this helps anyone who is having this issue or any other issue pertaining to money and/or identity theft.
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KAREN...you are not a piece of crap..it's just overload...!

First off I remember when my cousin told me about his dad writing check to everyone and their brother all the crap that came in the mail where anybody wanted money he was sending checks. My cousin said he had stacks of this stuff he was mailing checks to...I said why didn't you stop him. I don't remember his answser, he may not have had any POA or joint with his father...don't know how much he squandered before he died.

How old is your mom? Do you see any forms of pre-dementia? When they get irrational about stuff is I believe is when the crux is starting to turn. Okay get a hold of yourself Karen I am going to throw you a hard blow. "Guess what it is only going to get worse..yep...oh believe me she will glom onto even more as she ages. I would take her to a psychaitrist or if that was the one that said don't worry about it..take her to another one, and start some meds. Don't wait for a blowout-----which the stupid medical profession usually likes to wait for before starting any meds. Today marks the 12th year my mom has glomed onto me since my dad died....she is now in a really sluggish state..but before I got there had to go through a lot of hell...so be prepared...either you get some meds for her or you go to a psych and get some meds for you...cause it will test you...oh will it test you. I as well have no family to count on nor any siblings nor husband nor kids...it's just me alone.....it was tough g/f believe me....but you finally reach the end...cause NO ONE IS MORTAL...thank goodness! Please please Karen...it's not just you...there are many of us that go through this type of crap. My mom I only figured out a couple of years ago was NPD (Narcissitic Personality Disorder..with some paranonia thrown in as well)...so it is a rough rough road...but you will make it..trust me. Hang in there...!!!!!! I am the only one my mom gloms onto as well...haven't had a vacation in 12 years....could not go anywhere because she would say what about her....yeah she was healthy as a horse at 75 when all this started....did not think I was going to be a prisoner for 12 years...!
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Those ads and personal mailings are very convincing and many are drawn into this, not just the elderly. I had the same problem. Nothing worked until I queried the name of the sweepstakes on line and found tons of other postings from people saying they were taken and also websites from state attorney general offices warning about these scams and reflecting prosecutions and restrictions. Also there is a site called charity navigator which reports on most non profits regarding how effectively they used money for actual programs intended as opposed to salaries. When I printed and showed some of the salaries - problem solved. here is the site http://www.charitynavigator.org/
So I make the screens with this info in a large print easy to read (you can copy and enlarge font) and said - here read these and if you still want to give your money, fill out the forms, etc then ok, it is your money . Read it and like a miracle - there were no more demands to participate. Same problem occurred with donations to a political party - once they get ahold of you they never stop and then they send endless letters and sell your name to other organizations. Same solution - the Washington Post recently printed a story about how the major political parties waste a lot of the donations. Read it and the desire to donate stopped. Combine this strategy with contacting each sender and tell them to take name off list. Another thing you can do if they are calling is to get on another line and demand that they tell your family member exactly who they are and how much they are paid to call and ask for money. Tell them you are recording the call. This also is effective in ending these solicitation phone calls.
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You are a wonderful, caring daughter who is only human and is frustrated over what is a frustrating and time-consuming situation. Nothing that you wrote about youself, your mom, or your experience is out of the norm. I have gone through something similar, but did not have to spend as much time with my mom as you are having to with yours. Luckily I have a sister who is now helping - although she lives two hours away. My moms is still able to cook and shop for herself. I know this may not help, but your mom at least wants you around and enjoys your company. My mom needed me to make out bills and take her to a mall that is out of walking distance, but toward the end, she acted as if she hated me every time she talked to me- that was the mild dementia, I discovered. Prior to that, she did try and at least be nice most of the time. When she became accusatory and hateful toward my son and husband, as well as myself, my sister had to take over. If there is any one friend that your mom has that she would like to spend more time with, maybe that person could come over once a week and spend the afternoon chatting with your mom to free up your time? My mom had two friends and disliked everyone else and wanted to do little to no socializing. I wish I had a cure or absolute advise on how to fix this for you, but unfortunately, this kind of behavior seems very common according to all of the postings I've seen across this website. Mabye knowing that you are not alone in your experience with your mom will give you some peace of mind that you are not crazy or weird. It's o.k. to be sad and feel very down over all of this, as I still do. Unless your mom or you find something to keep her happily occupied, she will fixate on you. Best of luck, I am hoping that your situation improves very soon.
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Wow coleen, that is why I am so scared. When I took her for the dementia testing and I told them about the sweepstakes, they said I shouldn't be concerned, it's only a few dollars here and there. Yeah, for right now. But it can easily turn into more money. I wish I had a mother who would allow me to take over her, but I don't. I have one who fights me tooth and nail and is ALWAYS RIGHT, no matter what.

Okay, apparently I am in the midst of a meltdown:

Honestly, right now I hate my life. I wish I was dead. I wish my mother was dead. I cannot stand living anymore. No, it's not just the stupid sweepstakes. It's the entire situation.

It's her yelling at me today because I told her that she probably shouldn't have drunk out of the same glass as the person next to her (one of my daughter's friends who she just met two hours ago). "Stop making such a big deal about it Karen." Geez, I only said it once. No matter what I say I'm wrong.

It's her complaining about everything, the food is too hot, the tea isn't hot enough, the person who we went with should have ordered a smaller pizza because she didn't eat it all.

And most importantly (I am crying like a baby now) I'm just sick to f-ing death (sorry, I'm just at wits end) of having to see her almost every damn day, for hours at a time. Today was 12 noon to 7pm. I see her four days a week for 20 to 30 hours a week. I hate it.

She calls me in the morning and has to get together with me because she's lonely, lonely, lonely. But refuses to call anyone or go anywhere or take the initiative to do anything. I am sick to death of her sitting downstairs in my living room while I work, just waiting with bated breathe to catch a glimpse of me. I feel like my mother's obsession, not her daughter. I feel like I am the breathe to her lungs. She cannot function without being with me all the time. Don't even bother advising me to talk to her. I have and she gets defensive and angry and doesn't want to talk about it.

Today I had the audacity to say to her that a friend of mine and I might go out to the movies together (yeah, like I could actually have a moment without my mother) to which she replied, "Oh I wish I could go." I hear those words from her all the time and I am sick to death of it. Why can't she say, "Great. Have a good time" like I do with my adult daughters? I feel like a piece of crap right now because I wish she or I were no longer alive. I cannot go on living like this. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life.

I feel so alone. I have no brothers and no sisters. I have no relatives except for my mom and my two adult daughters. When mom wakes up she has only one goal for the day - how quickly can she see me and how much time can we spend together and what can we do together and who can we see together.

I AM SICK TO DEATH OF BEING TOGETHER WITH HER. Am I a lousy piece of crap?
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I monitor my father's mail daily. When we learned what he was doing, he had already given thousands of dollars to the frauds and scams and sweepstakes. I still have his moneygram receipts for over $8000.00 in just two months. I learned of the situation when the bank refused to have him as a customer because he had monthly overdraft fees of over $2000.00. He lost his health insurance because he didn't pay the monthly due. He lost his insurance; he didn't pay his household bills. He had an unpaid credit card bill of over $25,000.00 When I took over 1 1/2 years ago as POA, his finances were a real mess. I'm still catching up, but many people were willing to work with me once I called, talked with them, and worked out payments. Giving away money to sweepstakes, frauds, and scams is addictive and is VERY serious. Please help your senior parent any way you can to stop it.
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the advice from ED is good, power of att. over finances, i want to add, have her checks require 2 siginatures, the more ways you can prevent these "sweepstakes" from getting her money, is saving her money, and discouraging their contact with her.search for someone that has ever won a sweepstakes? go to gambler annonious meetings, or start one, others may benifit. firstgirl carol
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Do not give her the mail, just rip it up and throw it away, that is what I do, hope this helps, hugs
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My Mom did the same thing. She would send checks to every organization/scam that came along. She would also get e-mails saying she won. Before she goes on the computer I check all e-mails to make sure there is nothing she can respond to. I am POA for her and on her accounts. Although she is not capable any longer to do this, you have to put a stop to it. Now she waits for the mail lady then she would hide the mail. I had to ask to Post Office for the mail lady to hand deliver the mail now to me. They get sneaky. Its amazing. Good Luck
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Contact each solicitor and request she be taken off the mailing list. This can be done via internet, or phone. It's a hassle, but better to have to deal with it now before she gets herself in trouble..
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My brother experienced similar things with a man he was caring for. He solved the problem by stopping mail delivery to that address. Instead, he had every piece of his friend's mail sent to his own address. My brother would then go through the man's mail, throw out such junk and hand carry 'proper' mail to his friend. It almost always wasn't important to open any letters as it was easy to determine the type from the envelope. My brother saved the man's bank account and surely headed off the further passing of his name and address to others who would send the same type of junk.

V
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My dad's been doing the same thing. (I also posted suggestions on what to do long ago.) It got so bad my mom had our home telephone number (the # they've had for 40+ years) changed to unlisted. Worked for a little while. Until he started sending checks again which include their phone number.

When I was home I intercepted a few calls, told them I'd let my father know he called and "forgot" about it.

They started using official government agency names like the FDC and another one that I've forgotten. Of course I left messages with the agencies and never heard back from them. I had already filled out their online forms and never heard back from those either. I thought that since I had their phone numbers and since they were using real government agencies to try to swindle money from seniors they might be a little more apt to get the info from me and do something. Nope.

My mom tries to take all of the sweepstakes mail as soon as it comes in but she's not always successful. Sending the mail to a PO Box isn't an option. He would get very upset and my mom wouldn't want to go some place to pick up the mail every day.

I'm stuck too. Our bank was helpful with holding off on getting his checks to him. But again he would get upset if he thought they were keeping things from him.

They cover themselves by "awarding" enough "winning" entries with $3.99 & $5.99 checks to keep from being shut down. Even when my dad sees that he still thinks he's going to win more eventually. There's no reasoning with him.

I wish I could help you. But I don't have any answers for us either. If I ever find out anything I'll be posting to help everyone else out. Other than going to Bermuda, the Bahamas, Jamaica or where ever they are and beating the crap out of them I don't know what to do. That's at the top of my list right now.
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One thought -- you know you're not getting through. Maybe someone else would get through. A friend, neighbor, minister... a whole group of people, like a mini-intervention but it looks like a coffee klatsch. You're talking about exerting influence, and that's always stronger coming from multiple sources.
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