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I hear exactly what you are saying. My mom is at the Nursing Home temporarily now because she broke a rib. Her dementia is so much worse at hospitals and at these NH's.
She called me a couple of days ago and said "Karen. I'm done at the hairdressers now. I need you to pick me up." yes, she had just gotten her hair done there, but no, she was not being released that day. She got angry with me when I started questioning her. I was trying desperately to figure it out. Was she really done at the nursing home? The more I tried to GENTLY question her, the angrier she got. I spoke with one of the nurses there and explained the situation and she went to talk to mom. "Hey, you know you're here for therapy right?" Mom: "yes" and that was the end of that.
What? You have to be kidding me! Mom was on a tirade with me and insistent that I had to pick her up and 2 damn seconds later, she all of sudden "gets" it, Huh? I asked the nurse "did mom mention anything about me picking her up?" No, says the nurse.
Double duh!
Is dementia really like this? Out of it one minute with anger and persistence and then "with it" the next?
Right now she is in the NH while I heal from a broken knee that I received in one of her sundowning tirades. Could not get the family to listen that her sundowning was becomeing more violent. Now it is costing them a lot more than what a Dr. visit and some new meds would have cost. Oh well, such is the life of a caregiver.. Try posting on the "Gross" thread. You will meet more people, laugh and get hugs and a lot of good suggestions on the day to day things we do. You will also get to vent and be heard, not judged, and sent hugs. Hope you join us there, we have a lot of fun...
Truthfully, I look at my mother's money differently than you do. I just have a different take on it than you do. I consider how my mother really used to spend money (without the dementia thinking) and how she does it now. I also look at the possibility of her winning from any of the sweepstakes. It is ridiculously small.
I know that in the past, she would always say that people don't win from the sweepstakes and that they are a waste of money (and they are). Pub Clearing House should have a bomb dropped on them by all of the caregivers of our fragile, well intentioned seniors who are bombarded with the "you have won" crap that they get in the mail. They are truly the devil incarnate. They are NOT in business so our elders can win money, they are business to make MILLIONS of dollars off our elderly. I am doing my best to ensure that those vultures get not one penny from my mother. They can victimize some other senior, not my mom.
My mother kept saying "YES" to every charity that called. Then, I got stuck calling them all and explaining that she has dementia and to please put her on the "do not call list." Soon it will be another OBSESSION...that is what they do, obsess over something, hair appointments, a food, money, until you end up with high blood pressure, like me. GOOD LUCK and act fast. The doctors notes will help you, but you need to be able to access them. Being a POA will ensure this~
Perhaps you feel that because she has been good to you that you shouldn't take away her happiness (pub clearing house). If only our seniors had the ability to rationalize their thoughts. They seem to lose the objectivity that we have and think in more subjective ways instead.
This is how I make my decisions: I ask myself "What is the worst thing that can possibly happen and I am ok with that?" So I asked and answered it like this: "The worst thing that can possibly happen is that mom gives all of her money away to Pub clearing house and all the other sweepstakes companies. No, I am not okay with that." And that is why I got involved.
Everyone's case is different. If this was "controlled" in some way, say, maybe $10-$20 spent per week, but it wasn't.. She didn't remember that she has ordered magazines. She didn't remember that she had ordered microfiber cloths and a chintzy looking necklace/earring set.
To me, the worst predator is one who preys on the weak: our elderly are weak and trusting and believe the lies of con artists that show up at their door and sweepstakes turning up in their mailboxes yelling "you've won, you've won, just send us all your money until you're broke. Why? Because you've won!"
I do have POA and do get the mail directed here. I filter the mail and ONLY give my mom none sweepstakes/charity related mail. I don't give a hoot whether what I do is legal or not. Go ahead Mr. Mailman, I dare you to challenge me! Instead I care about my mother and want her to live her life with the little bit of money she has left so she can enjoy herself and have fun. Her money is hers, and does not belong to the sweepstakes and charities of the world. She has donated more than enough to both of them.
Yes, I am passionate about this. My dad is watching us from heaven. He slaved his ass off to acquire a little bit of money from his family. To see it being WASTED on sweepstakes and bogus charities is a SIN.
Okay, thanks for letting me vent!
Norm
She is getting so forgetful now that she half the time she doesn't even remember that the bills come here anymore. I went down to the post office and gave them a copy of the power of attorney and they re-route the mail to me. Mom went there to change it back and they said no. I'm glad they did or the sweepstakes would have my mom's money. The guy at the post office said that an old woman had been ripped off for 200K. I'll be damned if anyone gets their claws on our money. We have been ripped off in the past and I will do my darndest to not let that happen again!
Would you be willing to send me the sweepstakes and scam mail that you are filtering for your Mom? I am compiling a database in hopes to help others with this problem and the more of these crooks I can get listed the better the list.
Norm
Thanks,
Norm
I might have some that i took from my dad. Same thing is happening to him. I'll check to see if I still have them.
Norm
I have POA so I went to the post office and forwarded my mom's mail but they told me if she wanted it back she could, when my mom find out I am sure she will go to the post office. How did you get the post office to help me and comply?
I did take her off of some mailing lists and even receive a partial refund for her, however, now there are new ones, this could get to be a full time job.
Claudia
Your post concerns me greatly. When I went to the post office and told them that mom has dementia and that I want the mail to come to me I met with the supervisor in a small office so I could explain my actions to her. She asked if I had POA. I told the supervisor that I did. She said to get her a copy of it. I gave her a copy. I asked what would happen if my mom came into the post office and told them that she wanted her mail to be delivered back to her. The supervisor told me that because I have POA, she would explain to my mom that it is best for the mail to come to me.
I would suggest you:
1. Go back to the post office with a copy of the POA and any supporting documents about your mom's condition
2. Ask to speak to a supervisor in a separate office as this is a personal matter
3. Explain what problems have occurred because of your mom handling the mail, e.g. paying the wrong amount, ordering things she doesn't need, giving all her money away to every single charity that comes a knocking in the mailbox
4. Show her the document/s outlining your mom's condition/disability/dementia whatever. I doubt they will want to keep any of them.
5. Give them a copy of the POA and tell them that you are representing your mother who cannot represent her wishes anymore. Why? Because of her dementia/disability
When I spoke to the supervisor, I made it very personal and I think that helped.
Claudia, please let me know how it goes.
The person who told me that my mom could change her mail back must have been mistaken, my brother called her post office after I got your message and talked to them and was told she would not be allowed to change her mail back since we provided them with the POA. I just hope in six months that she has moved on. I have spent the last two months researching this and I think your solution is the one that will do the trick and I thank you.
As far as the sweep companies go check the back of the checks and google the names of the company for contact info. I actually received a portion of what my mom sent to one company and I am waiting to hear from one other. I am setting up an account for her that she knows nothing about, so if she needs money down the road she has a little stash.
Thanks so much for your great suggestions. You're the best
Claudia
My mother's dementia has escalated from mild/moderate to moderate now in less than a year. She no longer asks about the mail as intently as she did before. She probably asks about once a month. Initially she would DEMAND that we both go to the post office and have it changed back. I would either say "you have to get the ok from the dr. in order to do that mom" (invariably she would forget by the time the dr;'s appt came around), or I would just distract her.
I will pray for you tonight. You are a wonderful daughter Claudia!
Karen