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One more thing to consider -- driving. My mom always said she'd give up her car if she moved to another city because she didn't feel confident that she could learn the streets of a new city. I think she hesitated giving up that independence she got from having the car and that that also made her hesitant to move. She knew she'd be relying on us for rides, everywhere, more or less (although, we are applying for a senior transportation pass for her, next week).
Everyone has their reasons for hesitating and, if you can figure out what they are, you can sometimes figure out ways to get around them. My mom had these reasons:
* She liked being independent.
* She didn't want to be a burden.
* Like most human beings, she avoids change.
* She was afraid she'd hurt my brother's feelings if she moved-in with me and not him.
I personally do not understand anyone that is willing to borrow/TAKE money from someone and never pay it back. These family members in your mothers life are BLOOD SUCKERS who will bleed her dry then pick her bones.
If you want to save her, you must get her Power of Attorney immediately for Finances and Medical then you have to step in and take over. Her accounts go into your name and you become the "gatekeeper" who no longer allows any family member or anyone else to take a penny from her. You will then be in charge of everything.
If you want to cut your losses and get out, then you move without Mom and let her melt down on her own. Do not be surprised if when she is on her absolute last leg, you find her sitting on your doorstep. She will most likely have no money and not be eligible for Medicaid as she has WASTED ALL HER MONEY AND WILL NOT PASS THE MEDICAID 5 YEAR LOOK BACK, SO YOU WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR HER CARE!
I feel for you!! Good Luck!
Would she qualify for Medicaid? Do you think she could keep the house for now and perhaps get some caregivers in place for help? If she is really in debt and can't pay for the house, is she ready for long-term care? Is she a danger to herself? I know, she could move in with this sibling :)
Pipruby has a good idea with setting up a payee to handle the finances especially if she is giving away money she needs to pay her bills.
How far away do you live? How often are you able to see her in person? Did her sibling and sibling's children take the money while knowing she can't afford to be giving money away? If they did, shame on them! We have this problem with my dad; fortunately in small amounts. He thinks he should always be the one paying when he and my mom go out for dinner with anyone, gives gas money to my sister and nephews and tries to give me gas money any time I drive up to see them. He doesn't realize that he needs to watch his budget because little amounts add up quickly.
1- Ensure you wont be liable for her debts.
2- Get power of attorney.
3- Clear out her house with or without the help of relatives and an estate sales company
4- Pack her up and take her with you.
Time after time i see people here who dont want to take charge of their parent(s)' business. Well, sometimes you MUST. I've had this convo with my son regarding my ex (his father's) very poor health. Son refuses to 'pry'. Without prior planning, it will be a mess. Stop dithering and just do it.
You desperately need to get POA to even have a chance of rescuing her finances, so tread carefully and lightly. Depending upon her level of respect for professionals, it may be well worth taking her to see a lawyer or her doctor (who you should brief ahead of time).
KEEP IN MIND - when you're dealing with someone who has dementia, you'll always get further by entering their reality (even if it means fibbing and no matter how frustrating it is to you). In your mom's case, she KNOWS that she has the money to be the great benefactor to her relatives and no dose of reality from you will change that, so take a different approach. Be creative!
For my husband and I when he moves out here. She loved the apartment and signed up the monday of the third week. You have to be sneaky, and go online and find an apartment for you and your mom.Belive me it will work. When you show her tha apartment, say its for you. Tell her avacation would be good for her, then plan the vacation. She will accept it happily. Pami
I agree that no more money can go to mom. We have had this problem, recently, too. Why can't anything be simple?
Realistically, it's hard. And, if my Mom had been really desperate and living in desperate conditions, I have to wonder if I might have eventually caved-in, who knows.
She tried to borrow money from me to lend to my siblings'. I was suspicious why she was borrowing money. I thought it was to fix-up her house and I told her that she needed to move out if she couldn't afford to keep it up (which she hasn't really been able to). It turns out that she'd lent siblings money now tried to borrow money from me to fix the house. I just plain said "no."
This all might sound harsh but: 1) Her mental health hasn't been good-enough for her to remain on her own but good-enough that she couldn't be forced to move. 2) She really couldn't afford to keep her house. It's old, needed a lot of work, it's sad, but I can't afford it, either, AND, since the money would be split, me struggling to give her money to fix it doesn't mean I'd get a larger split of the final house sale proceeds because we're not that generous in my family.
Unless she has been judged incompetent by a court and you are her guardian, you cannot force to make sensible decisions with her money or about where she lives. But you certainly can make decisions about what you do with your money. Do stop enabling her self-destructive behavior of living beyond her means.